Mother's Day
by Dave Harper
Summary: A hilarious romp that starts when Mrs. Saotome comes for a visit and ends by tying up one of the longest plot threads in the series. Written as close to canon as possible and in script format . Originally posted in 1996.
1. Prologue

Obligatory Legal Disclaimer: The characters, situations and  
just about everything else in this fanfiction are the property of  
Rumiko Takahashi. If I even thought about trying to claim  
otherwise, five thousand raging otaku would kidnap me and make me  
watch Sailor Moon reruns for eternity. Anything you don't like is  
mine, mine, all mine! Hahahaha!  
  
References to Guyver, Urusei Yatsura, Oh! My Goddess, Bubblegum  
Crisis, Sailor Moon, Maison Ikkoku, Devil Hunter Yohko and other  
anime mentioned or hinted at in this text are property of their  
individual copyright owners. References to the Hitchhiker's Guide  
to the Galaxy is copyright Douglas Adams. References to Monty  
Python is copyrighted to somebody, but I'm not clear on whom.   
Special Bonus: Find all the references in the 'fic and win a  
prize! Well, not really. But it would definitely be good grounds  
for someone suing me, and I suppose you could make a few bucks that  
way.  
  
Special thanks go to: Hitomi Ichinohei for letting me steal  
her ideas about Ranma and his mom, Nigel M. for Soun's Wails, Jeff  
Yang for the idea of Hammerspace, Hilary Doda for her anima-animus  
joke, my pre-readers and (of course) all the fanfiction writers out  
there who inspired me to write this. Keep on writing!  
  
Special notes for readers:   
[] represent actions or observations.   
are foreign languages, such as english. They are also used for  
sound effects.  
Because gender is important in this fanfic, Ranma's female half  
will be referred to as "Ranko" or "Ranma-chan" to avoid confusion  
(on the part of the readers, anyways). Mousse becomes "MuuMuu-  
chan". I'm not making that up. Really. And before you ask, no,  
I don't know what it means. Shampoo becomes "Shampoo-Neko"  
(Shampoo-Cat) while P-Chan is, of course, P-Chan. Mr. Saotome is  
just "Panda."  
Nodoka is the first name of Mrs. Saotome. Soun is the first  
name of Mr. Tendo. Names are usually spelled like the Viz  
translations with the exception of Ukyou Kuonji, who I just happen  
to like better spelled that way.  
This is not a lemon fanfic. Hentai looking for gratuitous sex  
scenes will be disappointed. (What did you expect with a name like  
"Mother's Day"? On second thought, don't answer that. I don't  
really want to know the answer)  
  
* * *  
  
  
Prologue  
  
  
* * *  
  
3:32 pm. The sun shone majestically over a peaceful, tranquil  
scene: The Tendo dojo, where the only sounds to be heard were the  
quiet splash of fish in the pond and the occasional clack of wood  
on wood of a shogi game.   
  
Then Ranma and Akane got back from school.  
  
Akane: Ranma you JERK! Come back here, you pervert!  
  
Ranma: [sticking his tongue out at Akane while running] Nyah!   
Can't catch me!  
  
Akane: [pulling an extradimensional mallet from Hammerspace (1)]   
Ohhh...why YOU...!  
  
Ranma: [running past Soun and Genma. Neither looks up] Hey  
Akane?  
  
Akane: [running THROUGH Soun and Genma. Soun grabs the board  
while Genma gets the table out of harm's reach] What?  
  
Ranma: Why don't you just give up? It's not like you could catch  
me or anything...  
  
Akane: Oh YEAH? We'll see about that! [leaping into the air with  
her mallet, barely missing Ranma by a hair]  
  
Nabiki walked in the front door just in time to see Akane chase  
Ranma out the door, yelling. She quickly got out a pad of paper  
from her school bag. It was covered with stylistic yen signs. She  
turned to an open page and started to write.  
  
Nabiki: [to herself] Well, that leaves Akane ahead by two...Ranma  
isn't being very original with his insults today. That  
means...let me see...Tamiya is going to win the pool, I think.   
[smirking] Minus my twenty percent brokerage fee, of course.   
  
Nabiki whipped out a calculator from nowhere and started to punch  
numbers on it. Ranma was chased around the front yard twice during  
this time. He finally wised up, jumped over Akane and made for the  
back yard again.  
  
Ranma: Man...! Akane, don't you think you're overreacting just a  
BIT?   
  
Akane: You pig! You said guys are better at math than girls!  
  
Ranma: Yeah? So?  
  
Akane: [swinging her mallet at him] I WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU WITH  
YOUR HOMEWORK, YOU JERK!!  
  
Ranma: You call beating me to a pulp *helping*? [seeing impending  
doom befall him] AAAAAAHHH--[the blow misses]--HHHHH--huh?  
[realization slowly dawns] You missed? [Akane takes another  
swing at him] I must be better than I thoug- WHAM  
AAAAAAAAAH! SPLASH  
  
Ranma flew through the air, conveniently landing in the pool.   
There was a moment of silence, and then a redhead broke the surface  
of the water with a gasp. She turned on Akane with a fury.  
  
Ranma-chan: WHADDYA DO THAT FOR!?  
  
Akane: Hmph. Serves you right, you pervert.  
  
Ranma-chan: Grrr. [she shakes a fish that was floundering on her  
head back into the pool] How uncute. [Akane turns pink]  
Geez, how did I get stuck with such a tomboyish fiancee  
anyways? [Akane turns red]  
  
Akane: [turning on Ranko with a fury] I heard that! RANMA NO  
BAKA!!   
  
Akane leapt at Ranko, kicking out at her. Ranko dodged easily,  
ducking as a surprised Akane continued over her head.  
  
Ranma-chan: Hah! Gotcha, you dummy! I'm twice as fast as you in  
my girl-form! Now it's payback time--TENSHIN AMIGURIKEN (2)!!  
  
Using her flying fists, Ranko pushed Akane back towards the pool.   
Akane stumbled over something and fell backwards, narrowly missing  
getting a good dunking. Looking down, she saw one of the large  
rocks near the pool. She picked it up and threw it at Ranko.   
Ranko's eyes widened as she saw the projectile coming straight at  
her.  
  
Ranma-chan: Hey!   
  
Desperately she tried to hit the rock away from her. The rock got  
hit by 112 punches and flew into the air. Ranko breathed a sigh of  
relief.  
  
Ranma-chan: Geez, Akane...why'd you have to do that? In this form  
I'm not strong enough to just stop it!   
  
A rock that up until recently had been a lawn ornament flew onwards  
and upwards, startling a duck flying overhead. Observers, were  
there any standing in midair sixty feet above the ground, would  
have noticed the duck was wearing glasses. They also would have  
fallen to the ground and probably required immediate medical  
attention. Given the proximity to the Tendo Dojo and the  
probability of them being sued for the whole incident, medical  
bills included, it was probably a good thing for all concerned that  
nobody was around after all.  
  
The unfortunate duck quacked in surprise as it dodged desperately  
before it spun out of control, its glasses tumbling to the ground.   
The last thing it saw before its vision went all hazy was a face.   
  
The face of Ranma Saotome.  
  
Ranma-chan: You could have killed me! ...Of course, that might  
not be a bad thing...did you help cook dinner tonight?  
  
The shock wore off and Akane got angry again. Standing back up,  
she curled her hand into a fist and started towards Ranko...  
  
In the air, the rock discovered one of Newton's laws independently,  
having reached it's apex. Elated by this discovery, it seemed to  
hang in midair for a second.   
  
Down below, the screen door opened slightly and Kasumi walked out,  
smiling.   
  
Kasumi: Dinnertime, you two!  
  
Both Ranko and Akane turned towards Kasumi. In midair the rock,  
until today content with its lot, turned toward Kasumi as well.   
Time slowed down.   
  
Ranma-chan: Huh?  
  
Akane: Oneechan? (3)  
  
Ranma-chan: Ah!  
  
Akane: Kasumi!  
  
Ranma-chan: Get out of--  
  
Akane: --the way!!  
  
Kasumi's eyes widened for just a split second. Then time went back  
to normal again, and the scene changed to show just Ranko and  
Akane. We hear a splintering crash, as if bones were being  
crushed. Ranko and Akane looked shocked. Cranes took wing and  
flew into the sky. A bell rung. Nabiki walked out the door.  
  
Nabiki: Hey you guys, we have a visitor. Ranma, you'd better--  
HEY! What happened to Kasumi? [whipping her head towards  
Ranko, her eyes narrowing menacingly] Saotome, you scum!  
You've hurt my big sister!   
  
Ranma-chan: Hey! Why are you blaming ME?  
  
Akane: Oh, so now it's MY fault, is it, Ranma?   
  
Akane swung her extradimensional hammer +1, +5 against Ranma and  
smashed Ranko in the head. Ranko's eyes bugged out before she hit  
the ground face-first, where she lay, giving an occasional twitch.  
(4) Akane ran over to Kasumi.  
  
Akane: Oh, oneechan! Are you alright?   
  
Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome--in panda form--came outside. We hear  
Nabiki in the background talking to Dr. Tofu over the phone. Mr.  
Tendo took one look and started crying (#488, My Eldest Daughter Is  
Dying). The panda also cried, holding up a sign.  
  
Panda: [sign] "Dinner's going to be late!"  
  
Dr. Tofu walked in, holding a medical bag. He somehow appeared  
strong, even noble...as if his soul was shining like a beacon of  
hope. Every eye turned to him.  
  
Dr. Tofu: I'm here! [settling down next to Kasumi and examining  
her] Well now, this isn't so bad. Really, Mr. Tendo, there's  
nothing to be concerned about. There's no blood, and it looks  
like the only damage she's taken is a sprained ankle.   
  
Ranma-chan: [from the ground] But I heard bone splintering...  
  
Dr. Tofu: Really? Hmmm. [looking around] Ranma, could it be the  
door that you heard splintering?   
  
Everyone looked at the door. It was indeed in bad shape, as if,  
say, a flying rock had hit it (5). Everybody facefaulted (6).   
Akane kicked Ranko.  
  
Dr. Tofu: Really, to have been through all that with so little she  
must truly live a charmed life!  
  
Kasumi: [just waking up] Do you really think so, doctor?  
  
Dr. Tofu: [his glasses fogging up] Ka-kasumi! What an incredible  
coincidence to find you here, of all places! Heehee! (7)  
  
Ranma-chan: [weakly, from where he is now imbedded in the ground]   
But she lives here...  
  
Akane punted him airborne.  
  
Akane: Ranma you JERK! This is all YOUR fault! [running over to  
Dr. Tofu] Dr. Tofu, please! We don't have time for that now!   
  
Ranko landed with a THUD.  
  
Dr. Tofu: Oh my, yes, yes, of course. Heehee. Now as I was  
saying, a sprained ankle isn't so bad. I can easily set it  
right here!   
  
Dr. Tofu grinned as he took a board, formerly part of the door, and  
applied a shiatsu technique to it. The board snapped in two,  
splintering along the edges.   
  
Dr. Tofu: See! It's no problem!  
  
Everyone except Kasumi got beads of sweat on their heads.   
  
Akane: Err, Dr. Tofu...I don't think it would be such a good idea  
to...operate on Kasumi right now. Isn't there something else  
we can do?  
  
Dr. Tofu: [looking at Mr. Saotome] Of course there is, Ranma. A  
sprained ankle is nothing, really. You just have to keep her  
off her feet for about two weeks and she'll be fine! But  
there's no need for that--just let me get my glasses!   
  
Akane looked at Dr. Tofu strangely, which can be partially  
explained by the fact that Dr. Tofu was wearing his glasses. (8)  
  
Panda: Growf.  
  
Dr. Tofu: I think I left them on the table here! [he walks into  
the wall] Oh! Mr. Tendo! When did you move the wall?  
  
Dr. Tofu left. Everyone sighed in relief. Soun started crying  
again (#489, My Eldest Daughter Is All Right). Faintly, we can  
hear someone saying something in the background. Nobody paid any  
attention to it.  
  
Voice: Oh! Hello Dr. Tofu. I couldn't find anyone at home, so I  
let myself in. Would you happen to know where my son and   
husband are? Thank you! See you later!  
  
A shadowy form stepped out of the house. As she stepped into the  
light, we see that the form is Nodoka, Ranma's mother.   
  
Nodoka: [smiling] Why, hello there!  
  
Ranko and her father both chose that moment to leap into the pool  
as if their lives depended on it, using the legendary speed and  
instinct of the Anything-Goes school of martial arts. Of course,  
that meant they were in midair when they realized they were  
*already* in their other forms. Acting before thinking is also  
legendary in the Anything-Goes school. Twin splashes showered  
everyone with water.  
  
Nabiki: Oh yeah, I was going to tell you guys that Ranma's mother  
would be coming...[pointing to a letter in her hand postmarked  
that day] but...[sweetly] nevermind!  
  
Ranma-chan: W-why, it's Auntie Saotome! What a s-surprise!  
  
Panda: [sign] "Don't make me kill myself!"  
  
Ranko's eyes bugged out as she saw the sign.   
  
Ranma-chan: [pointing at the dojo] Look, it's... er... um...  
it's...[thinking quickly] Elvis!  
  
Everybody obligingly turned around to see. Ranko quickly grabbed  
the sign from the panda and threw it into the pool with them both.   
She hit Mr. Saotome over the head.  
  
Ranma-chan: [aside to Genma] Are you trying to get us *both*  
killed, old man?  
  
Panda: [writing a new sign] "I'm not Genma Saotome!"  
  
Nodoka blinked in surprise at the sign. The first sign floated to  
the surface, that being what wood does in water. Except for the  
Spring of Drowned Tree, of course, but nobody really seemed to know  
how that had happened. Ranko tried to look casual as she grabbed  
the sign once more and sat on it, sinking deeper into the water.   
She failed miserably.  
  
Just outside the dojo a man dressed in a heavy overcoat paused  
momentarily, as if he had just heard something, or perhaps  
somebody.  
  
Elvis: Oops. Time to skedaddle out of here. Thank you. Thank  
you very much.   
  
A beam of light struck the man and pulled him back up to the UFO  
waiting just outside the maximum range detectable by NASA. (9)  
  
Everyone looks at Ranko questioningly. A large bead of sweat  
appeared on Ranko's head. Then Nodoka spoke up.  
  
Nodoka: I couldn't help overhearing your problem. Would it be  
alright if I stayed to help you out with the house until  
Kasumi recovers?  
  
Soun: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! We're saved!  
  
Soun started to cry again (#21, I'm Still Going To Get Dinner).  
  
* * *  
  
(1) Jeff Yang, the creator of 'Ranma University', once  
hypothesized that there in fact existed a dimension made up solely  
of hammers and empty space, and that certain individuals could tap  
into this dimension to bring things here (hammers) or to go there.  
  
(2) "Imperial Sweet Broiled Chestnuts (in a fire) Technique,"  
taught by Cologne to Ranma. It involves making hundreds of punches  
in order to ensure some get through. Also known in the videos as  
the "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire Technique".   
  
(3) 'Oneechan' = big sister.  
  
(4) And, of course, making those reoccurring finger gestures we've  
all come to know and love. Ranma is famous for making a gesture  
with his fingers when experiencing great pain. This gesture,  
depending on your culture, can mean anything from 'Begone, evil  
spirit' (possibly indicating how Ranma feels about Akane  
subconsciously) to several unprintable things that would only get  
this fanfic an R rating it doesn't need (also possibly indicating  
how Ranma feels about Akane subconsciously). The gestures have  
been left out of this 'fic because I don't know what to call them.   
So sue me.   
  
(5) For those of you who skipped the first couple of pages, one  
did.  
  
(6) 'Facefaulting' is a peculiar phenomenon unique to anime and  
manga, possibly because it would be too painful to do in real life.   
Whenever someone is surprised by something, they show their  
appreciation of this fact by falling over, usually forwards, onto  
their faces. And of course making those hand gestures we mentioned  
before. This is the Japanese equivalent of showing appreciation  
for a band by rushing on stage and attempting to take a piece of  
them home with you as a souvenir, and makes about as much sense.  
  
(7) If you ever hear these words, run for your life. Don't walk,  
run. Research shows the chance of having an accident rises by 300%  
immediately after hearing this dreaded phrase. This has been a  
public service announcement from the Japanese Ministry of Tourism.  
  
(8) But only partially. Who knows what lurks in the minds of men?   
Or, in this case, of tomboys named Akane? The Shadow knows.   
  
(9) Explains a few things, doesn't it?  



	2. Part One

  
* * *  
  
Mother's Day  
  
By David Harper  
  
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction  
  
Part One  
  
  
* * *  
  
Another beautiful day dawned over Nerima as the city made ready for  
work (1). Birds sang as they flew through the air, heralding the  
new day. A swallow landed on the school tower next to the clock.   
It read 8:24 a.m.  
  
Ranma: [walking to school with Akane] Aw man, why did SHE have to  
show up!  
  
Akane: [curious] What's wrong, Ranma? I thought you liked your  
mom!  
  
Ranma: I *do*...but when she's here, I haveta be a girl all the  
time!  
  
Akane: [nicely] Well, don't worry about it! We changed you back  
when we got to Dr. Tofu's! Besides, how bad could it be?  
  
Ranma: [oblivious to who he's speaking to] Man...you can't  
imagine!   
  
Akane: [ever-so-slowly getting angry] Are you saying there's  
something wrong with being a girl?  
  
Ranma: It's so embarrassing to be seen like this! Besides, girls  
are so weak! [realizing he's talking to Akane] Uh, except  
*you*, Akane! You're not really a girl--ah, I mean--  
  
Akane: [reaching critical mass] I *KNOW* what you mean, Ranma!   
WHAM   
  
Akane dusted off her hands as Ranma flew over the fence into a pool  
of water. Ranko emerged soaking wet.   
  
Akane: AND STAY THAT WAY!  
  
Ranma-chan: ...What's with her?  
  
  
(1) This is actually a surprising and gratifyingly long time.   
Japanese meteorologists have noticed that the average daily  
rainfall in Nerima is ten times greater than anywhere else in the  
world, Amazon rainforest included. That means that it rains about  
once a day, on average. Perhaps mother nature realized showering  
Ranma with cold water from the heavens wasn't any fun with his  
mother there.   
  
* * *  
  
A huge, looming desert sun burned down steadily on the few souls  
brave or foolhardy enough to chance sunstroke. One of the  
aforementioned brave souls was taking care of the meagre flock of  
goats that he owned while studying the winds in the distance. He  
was startled by a lone figure who stumbled up to him, half-dead.   
The boy fell at his feet.  
  
Man: Allah preserve us!  
  
Ryoga: Where...is...the...Tendo...Dojo?  
  
Man: Oh, a Japanese? We see some of them around these parts.   
Although most aren't usually wandering alone in the desert.  
  
Ryoga: You mean I'm not in Tokyo?  
  
Man: [staring disbelievingly at Ryoga] This is Saudi Arabia!   
  
Ryoga: Oh. Can you point the way back to Japan?  
  
Man: Point? You go east!   
  
Ryoga: Thank you. [he starts walking again]  
  
Man: But pointing won't help you...you can't just walk thousands  
of miles...hey! [realizing that Ryoga is already far away]   
Hey! You're walking north!  
  
* * *  
  
Back in the Tendo dojo, Mr. Tendo and Mrs. Saotome were sitting at  
the table over tea. Mr. Tendo looked distinctly nervous. So did  
Mr. Saotome, who was trying very hard to look like an ordinary  
panda.   
  
Nodoka: Really, Soun? They just left on a training mission hours  
before I arrived? That's terrible! Didn't they get my  
letter? I sent it a week ago...  
  
Soun: [sweating] Uh, well, you know Japan Post...  
  
Nodoka: [nodding] Oh, that's right. Next time I'll use a  
courier. Maybe the "Hibiki Delivery Company" I keep hearing  
so much about (1). [smiling sadly] Oh, well. What's done is  
done. Do you know when they'll return?  
  
Soun: [really sweating] Uh...why...they...ah...  
  
Mr. Tendo looked around for an escape. It was a dull, ordinary  
Thursday. Nothing stirred.   
  
Soun: [defeated] They didn't say.  
  
Nodoka looked up from her cup of tea.  
  
Nodoka: Really? Isn't that a bit odd?  
  
Soun: Um...well...  
  
Mr. Tendo searched desperately for inspiration. Suddenly, he found  
it.   
  
Soun: Well you see, Mrs. Saotome, your husband and son had to  
leave suddenly during the night because of a terrible  
emergency that required their attention.   
  
Nodoka: [shocked] Oh my! Are you serious?  
  
Mr. Tendo: [looking deadly serious] Quite serious, I assure you.   
A terrible stain of evil is darkening our fair city, and only  
a few rugged individuals can stand up to it. Yes, Mrs.  
Saotome, your husband and Ranma are secretly fighting evil as  
the Knight Sab--[choking] Saotome! I'm not going to say  
that!  
  
Behind Nodoka, Genma quickly hid the remaining cue cards he had  
been coaching Soun with and pretended to be a cute l'il panda  
again. Mrs. Saotome looked startled.  
  
Nodoka: What did you say, Tendo-kun?  
  
Soun: Oh! Just a joke, Mrs. Saotome, really! AHAHA!  
  
Mr. Tendo's laughter sounded strangely forced.   
  
Nodoka: I see.   
  
Mr. Tendo stopped laughing suddenly, which was far more suspicious  
than the laugh had in the first place.  
  
Soun: I'm sorry to say that Genma and Ranma left on a training  
mission and won't be back for...  
  
Voice-over of Dr. Tofu: A sprained ankle is nothing, really. You  
just have to keep her off her feet for about two weeks and  
she'll be fine!   
  
Soun: ...two-and-a-half weeks.  
  
Nodoka: Oh, that's too bad...[smiling sweetly] You will tell them  
I showed up, won't you?  
  
Soun: [grinning like someone just let off death row] Oh, yes,  
yes! Anything!   
  
Nodoka: Thank you, Tendo-kun. I knew I could count on you.  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled and left the room.  
  
Soun: [wiping sweat off his brow] That was close.  
  
Panda: [sign] "If you'd just kept to the script..."  
  
Soun: [irritated] Where did you get that nonsense from? Nobody  
would believe a contrived story like that!   
  
Panda: ...  
  
  
(1) "When you absolutely, positively, have to have it there by the  
year 2050."  
  
* * *  
  
Meanwhile, a duck with no glasses set foot on dry land again after  
many, many hours of nonstop flight. Gasping for air, it feebly  
looked around it, seeing nothing but blurs where shapes should be.   
If it could see, it would have seen a sign saying: "Help keep  
Ontario beautiful."   
  
MuuMuu-chan: Quack! [translation: "Damn you, Ranma Saotome! I  
will never forget the horrors you have unleashed upon me this  
day! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth!"]  
  
A little girl walked over to the duck. She didn't look Japanese.  
  
Dolina: Oh! It's a cute little duck! What's wrong, Mr. Duck?   
Are you lost?  
  
MuuMuu-chan: Quack! Quack, quack quack quackety-quack quackquack!  
  
[translation: "Yes."]  
  
Dolina: I guess I'll have to take you home with me then! [picking  
up the duck. It is too tired to resist] You'll like it  
there. It's much bigger than our last home. But I don't have  
any friends here yet. Will you be my friend, Mr. Duck?   
  
The duck didn't respond. It looked half dead, for some reason (1).  
  
The girl started guiltily.  
  
Dolina: Oh! But I'll have to ask mommy first! Mommy! Mommy!   
Look! It followed me home! Can I keep it?  
  
The girl ran into the house with the duck. From inside voices were  
raised.  
  
Father: Dolina! Take that dirty thing outside this instant!   
  
Mother: [to her husband] Wait a second, Dave...  
  
Father: What? Why?  
  
Mother: I haven't made dinner yet. Did I ever make roast duck for  
you? My mother always used to make it back in the Ukraine...  
  
MuuMuu-chan: QQUUAACCKK!! [translation: "HEEEELLLLP!!")  
  
  
(1) Possibly because it had just flown halfway around the world in  
less than 24 hours? Just a guess here, people.   
  
* * *  
  
4:29 p.m. Akane and Ranko were coming home from school unusually  
late. As they walked back, a van passed them marked "Nerima  
Plumbing." (1)  
  
Ranma-chan: Hmph. Who would have thought the city would chose  
*today* to turn off all the water in the block!  
  
Akane: Well, you know Ranma, the school *did* give us three days  
notice. You'd think you would have brought a thermos with you  
or something!  
  
Ranma-chan: [still irritated] So I forgot. Big deal. Besides,  
around here water's so common it's practically like...like...  
  
Ranko searched for a simile, but floundered as her mind realized  
she'd been sleeping in class the day they explained the concept.   
She gave up.  
  
Ranma-chan: ...Like something!   
  
Akane: [snickering] Well, look at the bright side, Ranma!  
  
Ranko looked up at Akane strangely.  
  
Ranma-chan: What are you talking about, Akane?  
  
Akane: [barely holding in laughter] Well, at least now we know  
that orange juice doesn't work! [exploding with laughter]  
Hahaha!   
  
Ranma-chan: Aw, shut up! I ruined a good shirt, and now I owe  
Nabiki too!   
  
Akane: [wiping a tear from her eye] Yeah, and then after you  
finally got some cold water, Kuno offered to wash your shirt  
for you !  
  
Ranma-chan: [angry] Well how was I supposed to know he meant  
right then and there?  
  
Akane: You should have seen your face when he tried to take it off  
you!   
  
Akane howled with laugher. Ranko was uncharacteristically silent.   
  
Akane: Still, I bet those bruises you gave him won't fade for a  
week...[noticing something] Hey, Ranma, what's wrong?  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh?   
  
Akane: Ohhh...don't tell me you're *still* angry about today?   
Come on Ranma, grow up--these things happen!  
  
Ranma-chan: [depressed] Yeah, well...  
  
Akane: Yeah, well WHAT, Ranma?  
  
Ranma-chan: It's nothing.  
  
Akane: Give me a break! You're dragging your feet and sulking  
like a baby!   
  
Ranma-chan: WHAT? I am *NOT*!   
  
Akane: Are too! [sticking her tongue out] Beee!   
  
Akane ran off with Ranko in hot pursuit. Chase turned into race as  
both tried to get home before the other. As the dojo came into  
view Ranko saw Nodoka sweeping outside the dojo. Ranko slowed to  
a walk and let Akane reach the dojo first. She continued forward  
at a walk.  
  
Ranma-chan: [to herself] Mom...  
  
Ranko saw Mrs. Saotome greeting an out of breath Akane. Ranko's  
head drooped a little as she walked.  
  
Ranma-chan: And I can't even call her that...  
  
Nodoka: [smiling and standing VERY close] Good afternoon!   
...Call who what, Ranko?   
  
Ranko screamed. Akane and Nodoka both looked very surprised at  
this outburst. Ranko hadn't realized how close she'd gotten to her  
mother.  
  
Ranma-chan: Um...um...I mean, good afternoon, Auntie! [bowing to  
hide her blush] Um, I was just talking about...uh...one of my  
friends. Yeah! I can't call her...on the phone! Because her  
phone's out!   
  
Nodoka smiled at Ranko.  
  
Nodoka: Why don't you invite her over for dinner then? I'm sure  
your father won't mind.   
  
Ranko froze. How was she supposed to invite a nonexistent friend  
for dinner? She could get Ukyou to pretend...or Shampoo...or  
both...she shuddered at the thought (2). Then she remembered her  
mother was still waiting for an answer. She answered frantically.  
  
Ranma-chan: No! I mean, I can't!   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko questioningly.  
  
Ranma-chan: Because...because...[in a rush]  
shelivesfarawayandherdaddoesn'thaveacar! (3)  
  
Ranko put her patented 'cute face' on and looked hopefully at her  
mother. Akane slapped her forehead at Ranko's pathetic  
performance. Strangely, Mrs. Saotome seemed not to notice.  
  
Nodoka: Well, that's all right then, dear. Your father was really  
getting worried about you two, you know...Nabiki was back an  
hour ago, after all.  
  
Ranma-chan: Pop? But he's a [Akane clapped a hand over Ranko's  
mouth] panmmmrph!!   
  
Akane: We know, Auntie. We wanted Nabiki to tell father we'd be  
late but I only had a hundred yen left. We were, uh...  
  
Akane looked at Ranko to supply an explanation. In retrospect, not  
one of her brighter inspirations.  
  
Ranko: Um...right, we were...you know...doing...  
  
Ranko dug her foot into the dirt, trying to think of what girls did  
together.   
  
Ranma-chan: ...Stuff! Yeah. Girl stuff. You know.  
  
Akane looked at Ranko like she couldn't believe she had heard that  
right. Nodoka's face turned stern. Before she could open her  
mouth, though, Mr. Tendo appeared out of nowhere, crying (#321, My  
Daughter And Her Fiance Were Out On A Date).  
  
Soun: [crying] Oh, how wonderful! My baby girl and her fiance  
were out on a date!  
  
Akane turned an angry red and turned on her father. Nodoka looked  
around for her son, who was understandably nowhere in sight. Ranko  
just looked at the ground, hoping this was all a nightmare.  
  
Akane: DAD!! *RANKO* and I were *not* on a date!  
  
Nodoka: Mr. Tendo? Did you say my son was here?  
  
Mr. Tendo froze like a deer caught in headlights. A small, often  
forgotten part of his mind screamed to him that if Ranma was caught  
by his mother, he couldn't marry Akane. That was bad, of course.   
He had to defuse the situation somehow. Mr. Tendo turned on the  
famous Tendo wit. (4)  
  
Soun: Uh...  
  
Suddenly, inspiration struck Mr. Tendo like a whiff of Akane's  
cooking. A way to get out of this *and* help join the Tendo and  
Saotome lines together!  
  
Soun: Why no, Mrs. Saotome! I was merely so happy that Ranma  
promised to take Akane out on a date when he gets back! Isn't  
that right, Akane?  
  
Akane and Ranma-chan: *WHAT*?!?  
  
Mr. Tendo towered over the girls, his demon head glaring at them as  
he shouted. Mrs. Saotome blinked in surprise.  
  
Soun: ISN'T THAT RIGHT?  
  
Akane: [indignant] No! There's no WAY I--  
  
Ranma-chan: [sighing] Yeah, sure.  
  
Akane's jaw dropped. The rest of her mouth kept on working, trying  
to finish her sentence, which was rather difficult without the  
lower part of it.   
  
Mr. Tendo went back to normal. Except that normally he didn't look  
like the cat that had swallowed the canary (5). That was usually  
left for Shampoo to use after she had gotten Ranma to eat yet  
another delectable dish chock-full of mind-altering drugs (6).   
Mrs. Saotome blinked again, convinced she had imagined it.  
  
Soun: Good. Well then...  
  
Mr. Tendo walked back into the dojo. Mrs. Saotome followed him,  
determined to try to find *some* kind of explanation for all of  
this. Even a bad one.  
  
Akane: ...  
  
Ranko looked at Akane. She was in shock. Ranko waved a hand past  
her eyes. Nothing. She stuck her tongue out at Akane. Nada. She  
made a face. Nope. She poked Akane in the nose. Zip. Ranko  
looked around with an evil grin on her face.  
  
Ranma-chan: I've always wanted to do this. Hey Akane! You're  
built like a brick! You're thighs are too thick! You can't  
even kick! And your cooking makes me SICK!   
  
In the back of Akane's mind, the portion of her brain that  
controlled instincts turned on and Akane came out of her trance.  
  
Akane: RAAAAANNNNMMAAAAA!!   
  
In the nearby dimension of Hammerspace, yet another unlucky denizen  
of that plane was sucked into this one to serve the one known to  
them only as "Death wearing a school dress."  
  
Akane: WHAM HOW DARE YOU POUND SAY THAT ABOUT MY HAMMER  
COOKING, YOU MASH JERK!! WHAM SMASH WHAM  
  
(1) In little fine print below that it said "specializing in hot,  
cold, and cursed water."  
  
(2) Can we say "okonomiyaki cat surprise"?  
  
(3) Say *that* ten times quickly.  
  
(4) This is the same famous Tendo wit that gets him yelled at by  
one daughter, blackmailed by a second, and ignored by a third.   
  
(5) Mr. Tendo normally looks like he's about to cry. This may  
have something to do with the fact that he usually is.  
  
(6) Between Shampoo and Kodachi, the Japanese drug market has  
increased by 250% over the last four years. Who says the Chinese  
aren't good capitalists?  
  
* * *  
  
Outside the dojo, two old ladies passing by stopped and looked at  
each other.   
  
First Old Lady: Goodness! It sounds like someone's slaughtering  
cattle in there! (1)  
  
Second Old Lady: Oh, that's the Tendo dojo. It happens every day,  
regular as clockwork. We set our clocks by it.  
  
First Old Lady: And I moved out of the Tomobiki district just to  
escape that kind of thing. Tch, tch.  
  
The screaming had died down, and only a few muffled groans and  
whimpers reached the street. The two old ladies started walking  
again.  
  
  
(1) In deference to any organized cattle-slaughtering groups out  
there, the slaughtering of cattle is done quite quietly and  
humanely. In fact, putting Ranma through a cattle-slaughtering  
device would probably be more humane than what Akane was doing to  
him at that moment in time.   
  
* * *  
  
It was dinnertime at the Tendo house. At first glance everything  
looked normal, but upon closer inspection one would realize  
something was not right. Something important.  
  
Genma Saotome wasn't at the table slobbering over dinner.   
  
Instead, a panda sat next to a bowl in the corner and sulked. The  
bowl read "Mr. Panda," and the panda occasionally turned around  
with a sign saying "Please (the words "do not" had been crossed  
out) feed the animals!" Kasumi was also in the room rather than in  
the kitchen preparing dinner, resting on a pillow, her ankle  
wrapped in something that looked like gauze.  
  
Nodoka walked into the dining room, carrying with her bowls and  
plates full of food for dinner. It all looked delicious, and soon  
dinner was joined by the hungry horde. In particular, Ranko seemed  
to be enjoying the food immensely. Ranko showed her appreciation  
for dinner with her usual style and grace. That is, she devoured  
everything on her plate and not a few things on other people's  
plates, all within a few seconds. Occasionally she fought with  
someone over a piece of food. She ate like there was no tomorrow.   
For that matter, she ate like there was no today either, and she  
was making up for yesterday. Nodoka looked at her scarfing down a  
bowl of rice and sighed.  
  
Nodoka: I'm glad you like my food so much, Ranko. But tell me,  
how was school today?  
  
Ranko nervously stopped eating mid-mouthful. This was akin to a  
ray of sunlight suddenly illuminating a square foot of city street  
at midnight. That is, it just didn't happen unless you were  
fooling around with things beyond your comprehension. Nabiki took  
interest, realizing that anything able to stop Ranma's appetite was  
a force to be reckoned with, not to mention a force to be sold and  
marketed (1).  
  
Ranma-chan: [around some food] Uh...it wush okay.  
  
Ranko swallowed hastily.  
  
Nodoka: [looking mortified] Ranko dear, it's not ladylike to talk  
with your mouth full.  
  
Ranko cringed. Akane looked worried. Nabiki looked amused. Genma  
looked like a panda. Soun looked hungry. And Kasumi looked like  
everything was fine in the world, which is to say, perfectly normal  
for her.  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh...[swallowing completely, then bowing] I'm sorry,  
auntie.   
  
Nodoka: [sighing] It's all right, dear. Just don't do it again.   
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled at Ranko, who was looking unhappy. Ranko went  
back to eating, just as quickly and with manners just as bad as  
before. Nodoka sighed. At least she wasn't talking with her mouth  
full.  
  
  
(1) Actually, that's tame for Nabiki. Ordinarily she'd have it  
auctioned off, mortgaged, time-shared and contracted out to three  
different companies before blackmailing Ranma with the evidence and  
simultaneously selling it to his enemies/fiancees. She was feeling  
generous this morning.  
  
* * *  
  
Nabiki was watching TV. Ranko walked in and joined her. The news  
announcer started speaking.  
  
News Announcer: "...Seiko up 22.6, Sony down 2.3...the time is now  
8:23 p.m., on the all-business channel!"  
  
Ranko sighed to herself, but flopped down anyways on the floor next  
to where Nabiki was sitting, munching on some popcorn. She was  
avidly taking notes.  
  
Ranko watched attentively for all of ten seconds before her gaze  
started to wander around the room.   
  
Ranma-chan: [sighing] Gee, Nabiki, do we have to watch this?  
  
Nabiki: [without looking up] That depends, Ranma. How much is it  
worth to you?  
  
Ranko sighed and kept watching.  
  
Ranma-chan: Hey, Nabiki. Is it okay if I have some popcorn?  
  
Nabiki: Sure.  
  
Ranko looked startled, but grabbed for the bag quickly before  
Nabiki changed her mind.  
  
Nabiki: ...For a price.  
  
Ranko sighed and let go. She tried once more, valiantly.  
  
Ranma-chan: You know, I hear there's this cool movie on TV...with  
lots of cute guys!  
  
Nabiki: And lots of violence and martial arts. "Revenge of the  
Ninja part XXVII," right?   
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...  
  
Nabiki: 1000 Yen.  
  
Ranko sighed. Akane walked downstairs. She saw what was on and  
continued walking.  
  
Ranma-chan: Hey, Akane?  
  
Akane: Mm?  
  
Ranma-chan: What do you do when you're bored? [Akane looks around  
at him] This is so boring! I can't do anything I usually do  
like this! What do you usually do? You always stay home,  
right?   
  
Akane: [getting angry] Are you trying to tell me I'm boring?  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? Wait a second, that's not what I sa--  
  
Akane suddenly dropped her angry expression and smiled sweetly at  
Ranko. Ranko shut up, surprised.   
  
Akane: [sweetly] Well, Ranko, what *I* normally do on school  
nights is my homework. Have you finished yours yet?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, not yet, but it's not--  
  
Akane: Baka (1)! This is why you always do so badly on tests!   
  
Ranma-chan: Who says I do--  
  
Akane: Upstairs! Now!  
  
Akane pushed a protesting Ranko upstairs. From the bottom of the  
stairs, Nabiki heard Ranko sigh in surrender. She waited until  
both voices died down, then took out the channel changer and,  
looking furtively around, pressed a button. The image on the  
screen changed and new voices and sounds came from the TV.  
  
First Voice: Aiyah! You die now! [burst of gunfire] Aie!  
  
Second Voice: Darn these ninjas...come on, we've got to get to the  
Temple! Only then can the evil Dr. Destructo and his   
nefarious plans be stopped!   
  
Nabiki: [munching on more popcorn] You know, Ranma was right.   
  
  
(1) 'Baka' = idiot or jerk. Akane uses it a lot with Ranma  
(surprise, surprise). She also calls him a hentai, meaning  
'pervert'. Ranma uses kawaiikune to insult Akane, meaning  
'uncute', though a better (and more insulting) translation might be  
'sexless tomboy'.   
  
* * *  
  
The next day, high in the sky, a lone duck flew. Looking down  
desperately for land, all it saw was haze. Blue haze. Which could  
only mean water. It sighed and flapped tired wings dejectedly.   
  
MuuMuu-chan: Quack quack! [translation: "Ranma, when I get my  
hands on you, I'll wring your neck like a duc--um...like a  
pig!"]  
  
Little boy: Look, mama! That duck's flying upside-down!  
  
Mother: Now, Aaron! It's not polite to point!  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko and Akane were walking home from school. Ranko's shirt was  
soaked.  
  
Akane: [sarcastically] Well, I hope you're happy now!  
  
Ranma-chan: I'll be happy when I can take a hot bath again.   
  
Akane: It's only been two days!   
  
Ranma-chan: It feels like two months.  
  
Akane: [sighing] If you like, I can help you...like, stand guard  
outside or something? If it means that much to you...  
  
Ranma-chan: You, stand guard? That's a laugh! You'd probably  
fall asleep or something!  
  
Akane: [angry] Fine then! Get your own stupid bath! I'll...I'll  
help Mrs. Saotome instead!  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? [pointing at Akane] What could *you* help her  
with, Akane?  
  
Akane: [defensively] Well, she *is* cooking for seven people, you  
know...  
  
Ranma-chan: [shocked] Akane! Don't tell me you're going to cook!  
  
Akane: Well, you don't have to be that shocked!  
  
Ranko suddenly turned serious. He looked Akane in the eyes.  
  
Ranma-chan: Akane...   
  
Ranko took her hands in his. Akane started to protest but stopped,  
frozen by the look she saw in his eyes. It was a look she rarely  
saw, and something deep inside made her shiver with excitement.  
  
Ranma-chan: I understand that you want to help me. And I  
appreciate it.  
  
Akane felt her heart hammering inside her. Was this really Ranma  
saying this to her? Was this real? She felt like the world had  
stopped--and realized she had stopped breathing. She forced  
herself to start her lungs working again. Air came in shallow  
breaths.  
  
Ranma-chan: ...But I'm not suicidal yet!   
  
Suddenly, her vision turned red.   
  
Akane: RANMA, YOU JERK!!   
  
Akane sent Ranko flying into the air with a punch, then followed up  
with her hammer. Akane stopped suddenly, her attack blocked by  
something. Looking up, she saw Mrs. Saotome looking sternly at  
her.  
  
Nodoka: Really, Akane, beating up on poor Ranko. Is that any way  
for you to make friends with her?  
  
Akane: Uh...  
  
Nodoka: Now, what's this fight all about?  
  
Akane: Well, Ranm--Ranko said that my cooking was terrible and--  
  
Ranma-chan: Well it *IS*!!  
  
Akane: Why you...!   
  
Akane hefted her hammer again, only to find Mrs. Saotome still  
holding onto it. Mrs. Saotome smiled at the two girls.  
  
Nodoka: Is that what you're fighting over? Well, auntie knows how  
to make things better. Why don't you two help me in the  
kitchen with dinner?  
  
Akane: Really? You mean it? I'd love to!  
  
Nodoka smiled at Akane, who smiled happily herself. Ranko dusted  
herself off.  
  
Nodoka: And what about you, Ranko?  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? [remembering the question] Oh! Yes! Can I?   
Can I really? Oh, thank you so much, auntie Saotome!   
Thankyouthankyouthankyou!  
  
The three walked into the kitchen together. They failed to notice  
the nervous looks Mr. Tendo was giving them. Most of the Tendo  
family had long memories when it came to Akane in the kitchen. Not  
to mention when Akane and Ranma were in the kitchen at the same  
time.  
  
Nodoka: All right, girls...oops, I forgot the parsley in the  
pantry...wait here a moment, will you?  
  
Akane: [to Ranko] You didn't have to fake it *that* much!  
  
Ranma-chan: [to Akane] Look who's talking! We all know you'll do  
anything to get in the kitch--hey...um...what's with all the  
hot water?  
  
Akane looked around. On the stove there was a huge pot filled with  
boiling water.  
  
Nodoka: [walking back into the room] I thought we'd try something  
a little different tonight--  
  
Ranko had a sudden premonition. She turned slightly pale.  
  
Ranma-chan: Not...  
  
Nodoka: --SOUP!!  
  
Nodoka was greeted by shocked stares. Ranko's eyes flicked to the  
stove. The pot chose that moment to boil over and splash the floor  
next to Ranko, sending columns of billowing steam into the air.  
  
Ranma-chan: AAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Ranko leapt madly past Akane into...the wall. She was still a  
girl. Nodoka turned off the heat on the stove and looked at Ranko,  
who was sliding down the wall into a heap on the ground.  
  
Nodoka: Ranko? Is something wrong? It's just hot water...  
  
Ranko was as far away from the stove as the room permit and was  
trying to get farther. She was having little success, although the  
wall would need another coat of paint if Ranko didn't stop soon.  
  
Ranma-chan: Ahhh...  
  
Nodoka: [with sudden understanding] Oh...*now* I understand!  
  
Akane and Ranko both looked at each other.  
  
Nodoka: You poor girl! Frightened of hot water!   
  
The girls facefaulted.  
  
Nodoka: Don't worry...I won't tell anybody. [smiling  
reassuringly] You can relax for today. Tomorrow I'm making  
sukiyaki--would you like to help me with that?  
  
Ranma-chan: [scared] But...but...  
  
Nodoka: What is it, dear? But what? If you don't want to help me  
cook, it's all right...  
  
Ranma-chan: But...BUT SOMEONE'S GOTTA SAVE THE OTHERS FROM AKANE'S  
COOKING!!  
  
The following fifteen seconds are best left to the reader's  
imagination. Suffice it to say that when the screams ended, Ranko  
was halfway through the wall and not moving.  
  
Akane looked up at Mrs. Saotome. Mrs. Saotome was stunned.   
  
Nodoka: [very sternly] Akane. Dear. That was uncalled for.  
  
Akane: [hanging her head] I'm sorry, auntie.   
  
Nodoka: Don't tell that to me, dear. Tell it to Ranko--when she  
wakes up. In the meantime, I think it would be best for you  
to take her to Dr. Tofu's, don't you?   
  
Akane: ...Yes, auntie.  
  
Akane left the kitchen with Ranko in her arms. Nodoka also walked  
out of the kitchen, heading for a different target.  
  
* * *  
  
The desert. A harsh mistress, sometimes it played tricks on the  
mind. Mirages, things that weren't real. In this particular  
desert, a man was thinking of just that when Ryoga walked up to  
him. For the second time.  
  
Ryoga: Um, excuse me...  
  
Man: Ha!   
  
Ryoga: [taken aback] What?  
  
Man: I knew you couldn't make it out of the desert with just a  
direction to walk in!  
  
Ryoga: Oh. I guess I should apologize...?  
  
Man: That's better. All right, I'm going to give you detailed  
instructions. First you go east for two miles, past the old  
road...  
  
Ryoga: Is that anywhere near the waterfall?  
  
Man: [taken aback] Waterfall? In a desert?  
  
Ryoga: I have a postcard right here...[he pulls out a postcard.   
It reads "Beautiful Niagara Falls"] I guess I got lost again.   
[he pauses] That would explain all the snow and ice blocking  
the mountains. Although I'm still puzzled as to how the tiger  
got there.  
  
Man: ...East.  
  
Ryoga: What?  
  
Man: Japan is east.   
  
Ryoga: What about the detailed instructions?  
  
Man: EAST!  
  
* * *  
  
Back in the dojo, Mrs. Saotome had cornered Mr. Tendo with her  
katana and gotten him to talk privately. After a pleading glance  
at Nabiki which she ignored, he agreed.  
  
Nodoka: [holding onto the katana] I think you know why I'm here,  
Soun.  
  
Soun: [dodging the issue] Uh...  
  
Nodoka: I want to talk to you about Ranko.  
  
Soun: [wittily] Uh...  
  
Nodoka: This is my fourth visit here, and while I haven't stayed  
long, I feel like I already know Ranko very well.  
  
Soun: [originally] Oh...?  
  
Nodoka: [nodding] Yes. But you know, I've never been formally  
introduced to her. You know, Soun...Genma and I were here  
sixteen years ago for the birth of Akane? Do you remember  
that?  
  
Soun: [back in familiar territory] Oh yes...yes, that was when my  
dear wife was still alive...  
  
Nodoka: Ranko is sixteen, isn't she?  
  
Soun: [freezing] Uh...  
  
Nodoka: And she has red hair. Natural red hair. I've seen her  
hair wet several times. She's not your daughter, is she?   
  
Soun: [sweating] Uh...  
  
Nodoka: Every time I come here I always see Ranko looking unhappy.  
She tries to hide it and cheer up when I'm around, but I can  
tell she's sad. That can hardly be a coincidence, now can it?  
  
Soun: [cringing] Uh...  
  
Nodoka: And she always dresses like a boy! You'd think she was  
never taught how to act or dress like a girl! As if she never  
knew her mother...  
  
Soun: [terrified] Uh...  
  
Realizing the depth he was in, Mr. Tendo signalled wildly at his  
daughter for help. Nabiki responded by flashing her father a card  
which read "Y10000" (1). Soun looked back at Nabiki, shocked.   
Nabiki frowned back at him before looking at the card. She  
realized her mistake and started scribbling on it again.  
  
Nodoka: [checking things off on her fingers] She doesn't have a  
boyfriend. She never does anything with her friends...in  
fact, I've never even heard of any of her friends! It's like  
she's not a real person! Just some made-up identity!  
  
Soun: [gesturing at Nabiki to hurry up] Uh...  
  
Nabiki finished and flashed the card again. Now it reads "Y20000.   
I give credit lines to family at low interest rates." Mr. Tendo  
turned white.  
  
Nodoka: The only person she seems to be close to is her pet panda.  
You know, Soun, that panda strikes me as odd, too. It can  
read and write! I've seen her room...she hardly has anything  
to her name! No toys, or posters, and hardly any clothes...as  
if she's spent most of her life travelling. And just now, I  
find out she has a phobia...that she's afraid of hot water!  
  
Nabiki glanced at her father, then at her watch. She whistled idly  
and turned back to the magazine she was reading. Mrs. Saotome  
fingered the blade in her hands absently. It was sheathed, of  
course. Somehow, that particular fact didn't make Mr. Tendo relax  
one iota.  
  
Nodoka: This can only mean one thing, Soun. You've been lying to  
me. All of you have.  
  
Mr. Tendo nodded frantically at Nabiki, who smiled and flipped the  
card over. Mr. Tendo read it and brightened immediately. He  
opened his mouth to speak, but Mrs. Saotome beat him to it.  
  
Nodoka: [dangerous tone] Yes, it can only mean one thing: [sweet  
tone] Ranko is a poor orphan girl you've taken in, isn't she?  
  
Everyone facefaulted.  
  
Soun: [recovering] Yes! Yes! That's it! Oh, the terrible truth  
that you've uncovered! The poor girl...  
  
Mr. Tendo drew upon his own gift of words. That is, he babbled.   
Mrs. Saotome sat, blinking occasionally, until he finished.  
  
Soun: [concluding] ...and it is the true duty of any martial  
artist to help the less fortunate!   
  
Nodoka: Well, it was very kind of you. But you know, I'm not sure  
that your family is the right atmosphere for the girl. She  
seems to be picking up some bad habits. Like teaching her  
pets to read and write when she should be making friends. I  
think we should put a stop to them now, before they get worse.  
  
Soun: Do...do you now?  
  
Nodoka: [nodding] Un (2). It seems so obvious to me now...I  
can't understand why I didn't catch on before now. I'll just  
have to take young Ranko under my wing. You won't mind, will  
you, Mr. Tendo?  
  
Soun: [like a man given a second chance at life] No! Not at all!  
  
The sound of footsteps were heard from the porch as Ranko and Akane  
got home from school. Then, the sound of Akane raising her voice  
in anger. There was a large crashing noise, followed by an eerie  
silence. Everybody took it in stride. It was perfectly normal  
around the dojo.  
  
Nodoka: Ah, perfect timing! [smiling at Mr. Tendo] Please excuse  
me.   
  
Soun: Not at all. [to Genma, who had just walked in as a panda]   
That was close.   
  
Nabiki: [with calculator] OK daddy, with sales tax your total  
comes out to...21,400 yen. 3% interest compounded weekly.  
  
Soun: Wh-what? But Nabiki, I didn't have to use your excuse...  
  
Nabiki: [scornfully] You agreed to the deal, didn't you? If  
you're trying to welch on me, maybe I should just tell Mrs.  
Saotome where to find her son.   
  
Soun: Nabiki! You wouldn't do that to your father!  
  
Nabiki: Moi? Of course not. But my father pays his debts. I  
don't recognize you, sir.  
  
Soun: Na-nabiki...!   
  
Nabiki: So is it a deal, or is it a deal?  
  
Soun: I...I'll find the money...somehow.  
  
Soun started crying again (#143, My Daughter Is Blackmailing Me).  
  
  
(1) While exchange rates do fluctuate, a good rule of thumb is  
Y100 (one hundred yen) = $1 US.  
  
(2) 'Un' = Yes; go on. I've interspersed a minuscule amount of  
Japanese into my fanfic with the deranged hope of insinuating it  
into the english language, mostly so people stop hanging up with  
"Sorry, wrong number" when I answer the phone "Moshi moshi?"  
  
* * *  
  
As the afternoon wore on in Nerima, somewhere else in Japan the  
Audubon society of Osaka were out on a field trip. A duck was  
sleeping fitfully in a tree, finally returned from its long flight  
home. Two students with cameras and binoculars stepped out of the  
nearby foliage.  
  
First Man: Look! A duck sleeping in that tree...isn't that a bit  
abnormal?  
  
Second Man: Forget that, look at the wing markings--that's not a  
normal duck. [looking it up in a book of birds] Ah...I see.  
"Chinese Peking Duck: known for being the only species of  
duck able to drown. Lives only near small, interspersed pools  
of water such as those found in mainland China."  
  
First Man: [looking closer at the duck] Then what's it doing here  
in Osaka? It says...um...they go to the area near Canton this  
time of year for mating season...my god, they're an endangered  
species! Missing a mating season...this could be the last  
chance he ever gets!   
  
Second Man: It must be lost, the poor thing. Wait a second...I've  
got vacation time coming up, and my fiancee has been begging  
me to go somewhere...I could take it with me and set it free  
over there.  
  
First Man: That's great! [smiling] I always feel great when I do  
a good deed.  
  
Second Man: Imagine how happy it'll be when it wakes up in Hong  
Kong!  
  
They picked up the duck and left. The duck slept on, oblivious  
after nearly twenty-four hours of nonstop flight.  
  
End of Part One  



	3. Part Two

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Two  
  
  
* * *  
  
Darkness. In the place where Ranma slept, there was no time or  
place. But more importantly, there were no worries, cares or pain.  
  
That last bit about pain became especially important for Ranma  
after being beaten to a pulp by Akane. Which seemed to happen  
on a regular basis. As a result, sleep was one of the more  
pleasant parts of the day for Ranma, so it was with great  
reluctance that his subconscious started telling him to wake up.   
Ranma, being the person he is, told his subconscious to go take a  
flying leap and went back to sleep. When that didn't work, he  
tried to mentally knock out his subconscious with a roundhouse  
kick.  
  
Freud would have a few things to say about Ranma.  
  
But all this mental activity between his conscious and subconscious  
was having the desired effect of waking him up anyways. Thus the  
bucket of water that splashed over Ranma and woke him up completely  
was seen as adding insult to injury by his subconscious,  
considering all his hard work in getting him that far on his own.   
He promptly went to the corner of Ranma's mind and sulked along  
with Ranma's superego and id (1).  
  
Ranma blinked. As his eyes opened, the first thing he saw was a  
face. A face very close to his own, peering in one of his eyes.   
It seemed very familiar, somehow. Given this fact, perhaps Ranma's  
next action could be forgiven.   
  
Ranma took one look at his mother and screamed. Loudly.  
  
Ranma's mother jerked back, startled. Nabiki just smirked. She  
was videotaping the scene, knowing what his reaction would be. It  
was, after all, smart business sense. Akane grabbed ahold of Ranma  
to stop him from running away.  
  
Akane: Calm down, RANKO.   
  
Ranma-chan: No! Wait! It's not what you think! I'm innocent!   
It's all Pop's fault! I begged him not to do it! I can  
explain everything!   
  
Nodoka blinked.  
  
Ranma-chan: The panda! The panda made me do it!   
  
Nabiki sighed. She would never get to blackmail Ranma with the  
video tape if he didn't live through the experience. Besides, she  
could always bill him later. She decided to speak up.  
  
Nabiki: Relax, Ranko. Take a look at yourself.  
  
Her business-like speech cut through Ranko's haze and she looked  
down at her quite obviously female bosom. It had been cold water,  
not hot. Ranko looked back up at her mother sheepishly. She  
quickly remembered the Anything-Goes School of Getting Through Life  
Rules her father had taught her (Rule #3, Treat Your Mistakes Like  
They Were Intentional).  
  
Ranma-chan: Nevermind! So what's up, auntie?  
  
Mrs. Saotome blinked. So did Akane. Mrs. Saotome reached down to  
feel Ranko's forehead.  
  
Nodoka: Ranko, dear, maybe you should rest some more. Does your  
head hurt from where Akane hit it? Maybe this is more serious  
than we thought...  
  
Ranma-chan: What? Why heck, I'm in perfect shape!   
  
Ranko proceeded to show off in style by performing katas.   
  
Nabiki: I *don't* think she was referring to your body, Ranko.  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? Well, what is it then?  
  
Nabiki: Let's just say that it's between your ears and doesn't get  
much workout (2).  
  
Nodoka: Nabiki!   
  
Nabiki smirked. Ranko looked puzzled.  
  
Nodoka: Ranko, dear...how are you feeling?   
  
Ranma-chan: Me...? Um, fine, I guess. What's up? Somebody die  
or something?   
  
Nodoka: [looking at the other two] Girls, if you wouldn't mind  
excusing Ranko and myself for a moment?   
  
Akane and Nabiki got up and left, the former more reluctantly than  
the latter. As Nabiki was about to leave, Mrs. Saotome spoke up.  
  
Nodoka: Oh, and Nabiki? Could you turn off the video camera  
first?   
  
Nabiki was startled. Maybe Ranma's mother wasn't as naive as the  
rest of the Saotome clan seemed to be, after all (3). She turned  
the camera off and took it with her for good measure. As she left,  
Nodoka gently shut the door behind her.  
  
Ranko looked around. They were in her bedroom, the one she shared  
with Genma. The panda was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Ranma-chan: [under her breath] Typical...  
  
Nodoka: What's that, Ranko?  
  
Ranma-chan: Um? Nothing, auntie!  
  
Nodoka smiled sadly at her. Ranko felt a bit uneasy. Maybe  
somebody *had* died...?  
  
Nodoka: Dear, I think we should have a good long heart-to-heart  
talk...  
  
  
(1) Clever readers will remember that in fact the subconscious is  
made up of the Superego, Ego and Id, so it obviously couldn't sit  
next to them in Ranma's mind. They were, in fact, his anima and  
animus in disguise.   
  
(2) Upon later asking Nabiki what she meant (and paying 500 yen  
for the privilege of hearing her answer), Ranma got the following  
response. "Why, your pig-tail, of course. What did you *think* I  
meant?"  
  
(3) Ranma inherited most of his genes from his father, which  
explains a lot.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranko looked nervously at her mother. She looked for the katana  
that her mother seemed to wear whenever she was angry. It was  
absent. Ranko calmed down slightly...*very* slightly.  
  
Ranma-chan: What do you mean, mo--Mrs. Saotome?  
  
Nodoka: Please, dear. Call me auntie.  
  
Ranma-chan: ...Auntie.  
  
Nodoka: Well...dear...please, sit down. Make yourself  
comfortable.   
  
Ranko sat down on the floor like a poleaxed steer.  
  
Nodoka: I'd like you to tell me about yourself.  
  
Ranma-chan: What?  
  
Nodoka: I know the truth, dear.   
  
Ranko felt like Akane had just hit her with her mallet again.   
Except that she usually didn't feel this hot when she did.  
  
Ranma-chan: [sweating] Oh...really...?  
  
Nodoka: Yes. It's nothing to be ashamed of.   
  
Ranko's heart skipped a beat. Had she heard right?  
  
Ranma-chan: [hopefully] Really? You think so? You don't mind?  
  
Nodoka: [smiling] Not at all, dear.  
  
Ranma-chan: That's great! [hugging Nodoka] I was getting so  
tired of lying to you all the time! And Pop'll be so happy!  
  
Nodoka: [very sharply] Lying to me? About what? And why should  
your late father care?  
  
Ranma-chan: LATE father? You already made him...[swallowing] On  
second thought, what do I care how Pop feels...[detaching from  
Nodoka]...maybe I should be going...[she starts creeping away]  
  
Mrs. Saotome sighed regretfully.  
  
Nodoka: Dear, have you ever heard of 'rupture'?   
  
Ranma-chan: I DON'T WANNA HEAR HOW POP DIED!  
  
Mrs. Saotome ignored her.  
  
Nodoka: Rupture is a term for when you're holding a conversation  
with someone quite normally, when all of a sudden you realize  
you and she are speaking about two quite different things.   
Like we seem to be doing.  
  
Ranma-chan: [calming somewhat] Oh. You mean, we've been saying  
different stuff to each other?  
  
Nodoka: In a way, I suppose. [sighing] Let me explain what I was  
saying, and maybe we can both avoid being embarrassed.  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, sure.  
  
Nodoka: [smiling] Don't worry. I didn't hear anything you said  
to me before. Unless you want me to, of course.  
  
Ranma-chan: ...  
  
Nodoka: [looking sad] Well...I know that you're not one of Soun's  
daughters. And putting together some other evidence, I came  
to the conclusion that your parents died when you were young,  
and you've been taking care of yourself ever since. How am I  
doing?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, pretty good...I guess.  
  
Nodoka: You don't really have many friends, and I can see you  
don't really get along with the other girls very well. I  
think a lot of that has to do with the way you...do things.   
  
Ranma-chan: The way I...do things?  
  
Nodoka: I suppose what I'm trying to say is, well, you just don't  
act like a girl, Ranko. You see, I think perhaps Akane and  
the others have a hard time relating to you since you're not  
quite like them. And the boys probably feel the same way.   
  
Ranma-chan: But I like the way I am!  
  
Nodoka: Do you really? Think hard about it first, Ranko. Don't  
answer me yet. How many friends do you have that you can  
count on in a crunch? How many people can you tell your  
deepest, darkest secrets to? Wouldn't you like to have a  
boyfriend?   
  
Ranko's face screwed up involuntarily in fear. Nodoka sighed.   
  
Nodoka: We'll work on that one. I think what the doctor orders is  
a complete makeover.  
  
Ranma-chan: Aw, that's girl stuff!  
  
Nodoka: And just what do you think you are, Ranko? A boy? Trust  
me, nobody could ever mistake you for one--despite what you  
seem to think!  
  
Ranko's shoulders slumped.  
  
Ranma-chan: You...really think I...[a tear trickling down her  
cheek] ...I... [she rubs at the tear]  
  
Nodoka: Of course, dear. [encouragingly] In a way you are very  
feminine. I think that somewhere deep inside of you, you  
really do want to be pretty, wear dresses and makeup, and go  
out with boys.   
  
Tears started flowing unheeded as Ranko heard her mother speak.   
She had just been told that her mother considered her less than "a  
manly man"...much less. Nodoka, on the other hand, saw it as a  
catharsis for the spirit, a good thing on the way to healing the  
scars of a traumatic childhood.  
  
Nodoka: That's it, dear...cry all you want. Auntie's here.  
  
Nodoka hugged Ranko. Ranko stiffened completely, and Nodoka  
reluctantly drew back. But as she did so, Ranko pulled her into a  
hug of her own. The two sat there as sobs came out of Ranko's thin  
body.  
  
* * *  
  
Elsewhere, the sun was setting, bringing blessed coolness to the  
desert. But the experienced desert traveller knows that these  
moments are brief, for soon the desert would be as bitterly cold as  
it was scorchingly hot before. One such experienced traveller  
tended to his goats as he tied them up for the night. A young man  
walked up to him.  
  
Ryoga: Where...is the Tendo dojo?  
  
Man: Ah, you again; it figures. I must have done something  
terrible in my last life.   
  
Ryoga: Sorry to bother you again.  
  
Man: [wearily] Not at all. The Tendo dojo is...east.   
  
Ryoga: Oh! Thank you.   
  
Ryoga bowed and set off.   
  
Man: [sigh] I need a vacation. I must be working too hard.   
  
He walked back to his goats. He didn't look to see which direction  
Ryoga was walking in. He really didn't want to know.  
  
* * *  
  
Downstairs, the clock was ticking. Nobody really knew what was  
going on upstairs between Ranma and his mom, but it was taking a  
long time. Nodoka had come down only once, to tell Soun dinner  
would be late. She also asked Akane if she could use her room for  
a while. Everyone was on edge, somewhat understandably.  
  
Kasumi: [limping into the room with crutches] Why, hello,  
everyone! I didn't know you were all down here. Would you  
care for some tea?  
  
Well, almost everyone.   
  
Soun: [crying (#279, My Daughter Is Not Well And Should Be In  
Bed)] Kasumi! You're not well! You should be in bed!   
  
Kasumi: I'm sorry, father. It's just that Dr. Tofu said to take  
my herbal tea every six hours.  
  
Nabiki: Yeah, but didn't we get Akane to do it?  
  
Akane looked up, a guilty expression written all over on her face.  
  
Akane: Oh no! I'm sorry, Kasumi! It completely slipped my mind!   
I'll go and do it right now!  
  
Kasumi: Don't worry about it, Akane. Since I'm down here, I might  
as well make it anyways.  
  
Akane: Oh no you don't! Get back in bed! [charging into the  
kitchen] I'll have my extra-special herbal remedy tea whipped  
up for you in no time!   
  
Nabiki: [looking pale] "Extra-special"?  
  
Panda: [sign] "'Whipped up'?"  
  
Soun: [moaning to himself] If this keeps up, Kasumi will never  
get better!   
  
Soun started crying (#495, Akane Is Going To Kill Kasumi).  
  
Akane: [from the kitchen] OK, it's almost ready! Hey you guys,  
I've got enough for everyone! [to herself] Maybe I shouldn't  
have added so much orange juice...  
  
Soun started crying harder (#496, Akane Is Going To Kill Us All).   
Nabiki looked for a way out. There wasn't any. Akane walked in  
with a tray of glasses and a tea kettle. Just then, the wall burst  
apart. Shampoo walked in through the newly-renovated hole in the  
wall.  
  
Shampoo: Nihao!   
  
Akane: Shampoo! Didn't anyone ever teach you how to use the  
door?!  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo not here for talk with violent tomboy. Where  
Ranma?  
  
Akane: He's upstairs with his mother. [doing a double take]   
Hey, wait a second!   
  
Shampoo was on the first stair. She turned and looked at Akane  
questioningly.  
  
Akane: You can't go up there!   
  
Shampoo: [menacingly] How Akane stop Shampoo?  
  
Akane: What? Why you...!  
  
Nabiki: Hold it! Hey, Shampoo? Ranma's mom wants to kill Ranma.  
  
Shampoo: AIYAA! Shampoo go stop crazy woman!   
  
Akane: Hold it, Shampoo!  
  
Shampoo: [puzzled] Akane *want* Ranma die?   
  
Akane: NO! Listen to me, Shampoo. [throwing a dark look at  
Nabiki, who seems impervious] Ranma's dad made a promise that  
Ranma would be manly, and if he wasn't, Ranma and his dad  
would commit seppuku.  
  
Shampoo: Sep-oo-koo?  
  
Nabiki: Suicide.  
  
Shampoo: AIYAA! What he do that for?  
  
Akane: [ignoring the two of them] ...Anyways...she doesn't know  
about Ranma's curse.  
  
Nabiki: Obviously.  
  
Akane: [*trying* to ignore the two of them] ...SO...Ranma is  
pretending to be "Ranko Tendo" until she leaves. Got it?  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo no dummy.  
  
Nabiki opened her mouth. Akane put her hand over it. Akane smiled  
at Shampoo. The effect was somewhat comparable with that of a cat  
smiling at a dog (1). Mr. Tendo looked around for somewhere to  
hide. There came a sound from the hole in the wall and a small,  
black piglet walked in.  
  
Akane: [happily] P-Chan! [she grabs the piglet and hugs it to  
her chest] Where have you been, widdle piggy? I missed you!  
  
P-Chan: [happily] Bwee!   
  
Nabiki: Maybe you should get one of those radio-finder things put  
on his collar...you know, like they use to find migratory  
birds?  
  
Akane: I'm so glad you're back! You can meet Mrs. Saotome!  
  
P-Chan: [questioningly] Bwee?  
  
Nabiki: Say, Shampoo, why did you come here anyways?  
  
Shampoo: Ranma ask Shampoo come help in kitchen!  
  
Akane: Why would he do that? I said I'd help auntie Saotome with  
dinner...  
  
Akane stopped talking. A nasty suspicion was beginning to form in  
her mind.  
  
Her eyes narrowed dangerously.  
  
Shampoo: [gloating] Ranma say he want Shampoo help by making  
antidote for Akane's food!  
  
Akane glared at Shampoo as a substitute for Ranma. Her battle aura  
began to show around the edges.  
  
Akane: Why...that...  
  
Just then, the door opened. This movement caused the rest of the  
wall, already on its last legs from Shampoo's entrance, to crash to  
the floor. Ukyou walked in with no little trepidation, wondering  
if the other walls would fall on her.  
  
Ukyou: Uh...hi. Sorry about that.   
  
Soun started crying once more (#282, My House Is Being Destroyed By  
Illegitimate Fiancees Of My Future Son-In-Law).   
  
Ukyou: Hi, folks. Ranma said I should come by and help out...  
  
Shampoo and Akane both turned their glares on Ukyou. Ukyou's voice  
trailed off as she looked at the two.   
  
Ukyou: Um, is this a bad time?  
  
Nabiki: Not at all. Should I put that wall on your account, or  
would you like to pay now?  
  
Ukyou: But I didn't do anything! I just...  
  
Ukyou looked at Nabiki. She sighed.   
  
Ukyou: ...Put it on my account. The usual interest rates?  
  
Akane: [forcefully] Hey! Is everyone just going to sit there?   
Have some tea!   
  
Akane gave glasses out. Then she lifted the tea kettle. She  
poured into Mr. Tendo's glass. The herbal...um...beverage...was a  
light purple (2). Mr. Tendo shrunk away from it. Akane forced it  
on him. He broke down crying (#150, My Daughter Is Using Me As A  
Guinea Pig). Akane yelled at him. He switched to #172, My  
Daughter Is Threatening Me. Then a bonbori crashed into the tea  
kettle. The tea kettle flew into the air, sending herbal beverage  
splashing against the wall. Akane looked at the wall, which was  
now painted a bright purple from the tea. Then she turned around  
slowly.  
  
Shampoo: Already Shampoo save husband friends! Shampoo understand  
true danger now! Must save husband from Akane's poison!  
  
Akane lit up the room with her battle aura. Shampoo did likewise.   
Everyone scrambled out of the way of the two martial artists.   
Strangely, the purple stain on the wall seemed to throb within the  
glow of the auras. Ukyou wisely decided to sit this one out, and  
started haggling with Nabiki over prices, construction companies,  
and how much a day's worth of free Okinomiyaki was worth in real  
market prices.  
  
A footstep was heard on the stairs. Everybody froze with  
trepidation, except for Shampoo and Akane, who were both engaged in  
a battle of wills.  
  
Nodoka: I hope I'm not interrupting anything...  
  
Everyone looked up. On the stairs was Nodoka. Then Ranko walked  
out from behind Nodoka. She walked slowly, almost painfully. She  
raised her head. In unison, seven-and-a-half jaws dropped.  
  
  
(1) A very, very, big cat and a very, very small dog. Think  
'panther' and 'chihuahua'.  
  
(2) This is one of those few times when I'm glad life isn't like  
anime. If it was, we could have an epidemic on our hands.  
  
* * *  
  
Hong Kong International Airport. A Japanese university student  
walked out the gates and hailed a taxi. He was carrying his  
baggage, but also a cage. Inside was a duck. The student got into  
the taxi.   
  
Student: Well, mister duck, you can stop acting so depressed.   
You're home now!  
  
MuuMuu-chan: [looking up] Quack? [translation: "I suppose I  
shouldn't get my hopes up, but you never know."]  
  
Student: Yep! You're in Hong Kong!  
  
MuuMuu-chan: [flops back down] Quaaaack. [translation: "I knew  
it."]  
  
Student: But don't worry! The best surprise is yet to come!  
  
MuuMuu-chan: Quack, quack, quack. Quaaaacck quack! [translation:   
"I can't wait."]  
  
The taxi stopped and student and duck both got out. Rather than  
the normal cityscape of Hong Kong, we see a rather wild-looking  
countryside. Nesting beside pools of water are ducks. Many ducks.  
  
Student: [opening cage] There you go, mister duck! Freedom! And  
now you're home, surrounded by family and friends! [he beams  
before getting back in the cab (which has its meter running in  
it, not to mention an impatient fiancee who is rather ticked  
off to be playing nursemaid to a mallard) and driving off into  
the sunset]  
  
MuuMuu-chan: Quack quack quaaaaaack. [translation: "It couldn't  
get any worse."]  
  
Inside a shinto temple, a white-haired, dark-skinned woman stopped  
for a second, as if listening. She frowned, then cast a simple  
spell.  
  
Female duck: [walking next to the duck we are by now intimately  
familiar with] Quackety quack, quack! [translation: "Hey,  
hot stuff!"]  
  
MuuMuu-chan: QUACK! [translation: "Augh!"]  
  
Urd: [smirking] Well, he should'a known better than to say  
something like that when I'm around. Or even in the same  
plane of existence (1).  
  
  
(1) Upon being confronted with this deed hours later by her  
sister, Urd commented wryly: "What makes you think it was me?   
Hey, it could've been *any* white-haired, dark-skinned goddess.   
You're always so quick to accuse, Skuld. What have I ever done to  
you to deserve this? Lately, I mean."  
  
* * *  
  
On the stairs of the Tendo family house stood Nodoka, beaming down  
at six shocked people, one shocked panda, and one unconscious  
piglet. P-Chan's jaw had dropped halfway (1) before he fainted.   
The state of those eight assorted warm-blooded beings was directly  
correlated to the young lady standing next to Mrs. Saotome.   
  
The girl who was standing demurely next to her mother bore no  
resemblance to Ranma Saotome in either of his forms. Long, red  
hair had been swept back until it fell freely down to her  
shoulders. She was dressed in a red-and-gold silk cheongsam (2)  
that hugged her curves tightly, yet fell loosely around her legs.   
Her feet were snug in high heels. Earrings glinted from where they  
hung half-hidden by her hair giving the illusion of buried gold  
glossed over by red mist. Gold bracelets tinkled merrily around  
her wrists while a simple armband covered her upper arm. Bright  
lipstick showed off lips formed into a shy smile, while just a  
touch of rouge hid what was becoming a faint blush. Standing  
demurely, she gave the impression of innocence and purity, with  
just a suggestion of something more behind it.   
  
In other words, she was nothing at all like the girl who had  
disappeared with Mrs. Saotome hours before.  
  
Down below, shock was beginning to give way to other emotions.   
Probably the first one to hit the assembled multitude was envy. At  
least, the female part of the group; Nabiki, Akane, Shampoo and  
Ukyou. For purposes of this statement, Kasumi is not part of the  
female portion of the group. The male side, consisting of Genma  
(the panda) and Soun, were still in shock. Kasumi is also not part  
of the male group. Kasumi is part of the Kasumi group.  
  
Kasumi: [smiling] Oh, how lovely!  
  
Just as envy was beginning to give way to other emotions, Nodoka  
gestured and Ranko walked down the stairs majestically.   
  
Well, Ranko *started* to walk down the stairs majestically. She  
ended in a heap. In between, she realized that high heels are not  
something one easily adjusts to, even if one is a martial artist.   
Especially going down stairs when looking straight ahead. This  
sudden realization came about as she slipped, fell forward, caught  
herself on the railing, tried to catch her balance, slipped with  
the other foot, started falling down onto her behind, grabbed the  
railing with her other hand and swung over the railing in a perfect  
circle like an olympic gymnast, screaming in a high-pitched voice  
until she hit the other side of the railing where she had her face  
flattened. She then slid into a heap at the side of the stairwell,  
thus completing the cycle.   
  
There was complete silence for two seconds. Then Mrs. Saotome  
spoke up.  
  
Nodoka: Oh dear. Maybe we should have gone over walking in high  
heels some more.  
  
Pandemonium resulted. Everyone started laughing. Those not  
already flat on their backs from shock were rolling on their  
stomachs in laughter. Tears were flowing freely, and even the  
panda was making laugh-like noises as it rolled on the floor,  
trying to write the word "Hahaha!" on a sign and failing miserably  
due to contortions of laughter. Mrs. Saotome looked horrified as  
she went down to check Ranko. Ranko was in more embarrassment than  
pain, luckily.   
  
Ranko looked up at her mother. Then at the crowd. She blushed  
furiously. For a moment, it looked like she was about to get  
angry, but the moment passed, leaving her looking miserable  
instead. Nodoka noticed and held out her hands for silence.   
Nothing happened. Everyone was too busy laughing to pay attention  
to Mrs. Saotome.  
  
Nodoka: A-HEM!   
  
A few faces looked up.  
  
Ukyou: Oh, forgive me, Ranchan! It's just, you looked  
so...[falling down on the ground again from laughter] hahaha!  
  
Shampoo: [giggling] Shampoo never see Girl-Type do like that  
before!  
  
Nabiki: [holding in laughter rather unsuccessfully] I *have* to  
get my camera. I simply *can't* miss this one.  
  
Panda: [sign] "Way to go!"  
  
Akane: Hahaha! Boy, Ranko! You sure looked stupid doing that!   
Bwahaha!  
  
Ranko looked about to explode. Nodoka frowned at her. Ranko  
swallowed what she was about to say and spoke up quietly.  
  
Ranma-chan: [seriously] Yes, I suppose I *did* look rather silly.  
You're right, Akane. I must have been very funny to see.  
  
Everyone stopped laughing. Being shocked twice a day in close  
succession can do that to you. Nodoka took advantage of the  
silence to speak up, much like an announcer.  
  
Nodoka: Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to present to  
you...the new Ranko Tendo!  
  
Mr. Tendo fainted. Ukyou formed the words "Ranko Tendo"  
noiselessly. Ranko made quick shushing gestures out of sight of  
Mrs. Saotome. Ukyou blinked, realized she was in over her head,  
and shut her mouth. One among them was not so quick-thinking.  
  
Panda: [sign] "My son!!"   
  
Ranko went chalky pale. Nodoka was trying to help Mr. Tendo and  
didn't notice. Quickly Ranko kicked the sign away from her father,  
causing him no small injury in the process. By the time Nodoka  
looked up, Ranko was again demurely waiting, looking innocent as a  
babe. The panda looked like it was in pain. It had turned the  
sign around.  
  
Panda: [sign] "Ouch!"  
  
Nodoka: Well...I didn't think it would be *that* much of a  
surprise. Can't a girl dress up once in a while?   
  
Ukyou choked.  
  
Nodoka: All you all right, dear?  
  
Ukyou: Uh...yes, ma'am! It was just...too much tea!   
  
Ukyou pointed at the newly-painted wall. Mrs. Saotome decided to   
ignore this, being rather confused.  
  
Nodoka: That reminds me. Dinner will be served shortly, if I can  
commandeer a volunteer? Oh, hello, girls. I don't think  
we've been introduced. Will you be staying for dinner?  
  
Shampoo: I Shampoo! Shampoo help mother-in-law in kitchen as good  
wife should do!   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked taken aback by this. Ranko turned paler, if  
that was possible to do. Akane looked angry. Ukyou looked at Mrs.  
Saotome strangely, as if searching for something she could find  
there.  
  
Nodoka: Excuse me dear, but did you say you're a bathroom hygienic  
product?  
  
Shampoo: [puzzled] What 'high-gene-ick'? Shampoo no understand.  
  
Nabiki: [to herself] You know, that could explain a few things  
right there.  
  
Ukyou: Excuse me...but are you...Ranma's mother?  
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to Ukyou, obviously relieved at having someone  
normal to talk to.  
  
Nodoka: That's right, dear. And you are?  
  
Ukyou: I'm Ukyou Kuonji. [bowing deeply] I'm so happy to be able  
to finally meet you! I'm Ranma honey's fiancee!  
  
Mrs. Saotome was extremely confused now. Ranko shook her head from  
side to side, mouthing the words, "No, no."   
  
Nodoka: Oh...that's nice, dear. Would you like some dinner?  
  
Ukyou: [positively beaming] Oh, I'd LOVE to help you in the  
kitchen! You know, I own my own restaurant? I'm a wonderful  
cook! Of course, I'd love to pick up some pointers from you!  
  
Mrs. Saotome blinked again. She decided to table everything for a  
later time.  
  
Nodoka: Oh, good. And Akane? Will you still be helping?  
  
Akane: [angry] Of course I will! Let's go!  
  
Nodoka: Well, that leaves me with a slight problem. I really only  
need two helpers. Would one of you girls volunteer to stay  
behind with Ranko and the others?  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo no let Akane poison meal by herself!  
  
Ukyou: Well, there's no way I'm going to let *you* slip a love-  
potion into Ranchan's drink!  
  
Mrs. Saotome decided she was fated to not understand anything that  
day. She did the next best thing, and pulled a Kasumi (3).  
  
Akane: Oh...I guess, I can sit this one out.   
  
Mr. Tendo starts crying again (#500, My Daughter Is Sacrificing  
Herself So We Can All Live).   
  
Ranma-chan: No! Akane, you've got to cook!  
  
Akane looked incredulous. Ukyou and Shampoo looked betrayed.   
Everyone else looked like they had been sentenced to the deepest,  
darkest realm of Hades.  
  
Akane: WHAT? But you hate my cooking!  
  
Mr. Tendo: [crying] No Ranma, don't spoil her sacrifice!  
  
Akane: [angry] DAD!   
  
Ranma-chan: [desperately] Please, Akane!  
  
Akane: [confused] Uh, well, okay...since you want me to...  
  
Mr. Tendo: [crying] My poor dinner! My poor stomach!  
  
Shampoo & Ukyou: Ranma! How dare you!  
  
Nodoka: Ranma? Where?  
  
Both girls looked at Mrs. Saotome, confused. Then Shampoo looked  
chagrined. Ukyou still looked confused. Ranko desperately  
tried to catch Ukyou's attention.   
  
Shampoo: Oh, so sorry! Shampoo no speak good Japanese! Shampoo  
mean Ran-KO...Ranko Tendo! Ha ha!  
  
Ukyou: Uh...yeah.   
  
Ukyou saw Ranko trying to communicate something to her. She was  
mouthing something silently behind Mrs. Saotome's back.   
  
Ukyou: [puzzled] Play?  
  
Nodoka: What?  
  
Ukyou: [blinking] Um, nothing.   
  
Ranko tried again. Ukyou gamely rose to the challenge, confused.  
  
Ukyou: Lay?   
  
Ranko shook her head.   
  
Ukyou: May? Nay?  
  
Nabiki: [spotting Ranko] Fray? Say? Okay?  
  
Panda: [sign] "I love charades!"  
  
Soun: Oh, games before dinnertime! This reminds me of when my  
dear wife was alive!   
  
Mr. Tendo started to cry again (#183, This Reminds Me Of When My  
Wife Was Alive).  
  
Ukyou: Neigh?   
  
Ranko desperately shook her head  
  
Ukyou: Sleigh?   
  
Panda: [sign] "Tray?"  
  
Soun: England?  
  
Everyone looked at Mr. Tendo. He went back to crying. Ranko was  
frustrated. She grabbed the sign from the panda and wrote on it  
quickly before showing it to Ukyou, who brightened. Ranko breathed  
a sigh of relief and threw the sign away. Nabiki picked it up. It  
had the word "Stay" written on it (4).  
  
Ukyou: [smiling endearingly] Mrs. Saotome, I volunteer to stay  
behind. [under her breath] For tonight, anyways.  
  
Nodoka: That's very nice of you, dear, considering how much you  
wanted to. All right, girls! Into the kitchen!   
  
Mrs. Saotome hustled Akane and Shampoo into the kitchen.  
  
Ukyou: Ranchan! I'm so glad you wanted to be with me alone!  
  
Soun, Genma and Nabiki leaned in closer. Kasumi just sat there  
with an innocent smile.  
  
Ukyou: [glaring at everyone else] I said, ALONE!  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, Ukyou...the real reason I wanted you here was to  
keep you away from my m--Mrs. Saotome.  
  
Ukyou reacted as if she had been slapped. Tears started to form in  
her eyes and she swallowed heavily.  
  
Ukyou: But...but why, Ranchan? I thought...  
  
Ranma-chan: Wait a sec! Ucchan, you gotta listen to me.   
[whispering] My mom is gonna kill me if she finds out who I  
am! Pop made some stupid promise about being a "manly man"  
and now I haveta commit seppuku if she finds out! You gotta  
help me keep my secret!  
  
Ukyou gave it some thought. She nodded.  
  
Ukyou: All right, Ranchan.   
  
Ranma-chan: Whew, *that's* a relief! Thanks, Ucchan!  
  
Ukyou: ...For a price.  
  
Ranko looked at Ukyou, shocked.   
  
Ukyou: [laughing] Just kidding! You know I'd do anything for  
you, my wonderful Ranchan! Who did you think I was, Nabiki?   
  
Nabiki: [not very amused] Ha, ha. [to herself] Your interest  
rate just jumped three percent, little miss comedienne.  
  
Ukyou gave Ranko the once-over.  
  
Ukyou: You know, you really do look pretty like that, Ranchan.   
[laughing] I'm glad I'm not competing with you for you.   
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...thanks. [she falls silent]   
  
Nodoka: [from the kitchen] Akane, what are you doing?  
  
Akane: [from the kitchen] I'm just adding flour for texture!  
  
Nodoka: [from the kitchen] That's baking powder!  
  
Screams came from the kitchen as something caught fire with a faint  
whoomph. Then the whoosh of a fire extinguisher and then the  
sound of Shampoo laughing. Ranko looked depressed. Soun looked  
like he was about to cry. The panda looked horrified as it  
realized just what was on the menu for it tonight. Ukyou closed  
her eyes in silent sympathy.  
  
Nabiki: Well, maybe we could order out...  
  
Akane: [from the kitchen] Oh, so you think that's funny, do you  
Shampoo? Well, take this!  
  
Several crashes emanated from the kitchen. Then silence. Then  
several more crashes and a scream. Ranko looked like she was about  
to cry. Soun already was (#238, My Daughter And Her Friends Are  
Ruining My Dinner). Ukyou was comforting Ranko while Kasumi just  
smiled. As usual.  
  
Nabiki: Well...maybe we should *move* out instead...  
  
There was silence as, apparently, the people in the room seriously  
considered Nabiki's advice.   
  
  
(1) Bet you were wondering, weren't you?  
  
(2) A cheongsam is a chinese-style dress once popular among the  
nobility of Imperial China. Shampoo occasionally wears one. It  
is closed-neck and covers the torso entirely, but has long slits  
down the legs (which incidentally makes it great for running or  
fighting in). Usually the sleeves are cut off, either completely  
or leaving short sleeves, but variants are known to exist. And  
yes, the author has a hang-up for girls in cheongsam. Now shut up  
and read.  
  
(3) 'Pulling a Kasumi': To blithely ignore incidents out of your  
control anyways, thus sparing yourself several hours in therapy  
later on in life.  
  
(4) Nabiki was later to throw it in the street for garbage pickup,  
unable to find any real profit from the sign. Ryoga wandered by  
and stared, transfixed at it until he fell asleep on the spot from  
exhaustion, whereupon the garbage men came and took it away.   
  
* * *  
  
Nighttime at the Tendo household. All was quiet. For some reason,  
Akane woke up thirsty in the middle of the night. Perhaps it was  
a foreboding feeling that she couldn't shake. Perhaps it was her  
martial artist's instinct coming to the fore. Then again, perhaps  
it was the three cups of salt she had added to the soup (1).   
Yawning, she sat up, the covers falling off her. This in turn woke  
up P-Chan, who gave a sleepy "Bwee?" as his eyes opened.   
  
Getting up, Akane looked at the clock on her desk. 1:44 a.m. She  
walked over to the door and opened it, careful not to make any  
noise. P-Chan, curious, got up and followed her just in time to  
avoid being trapped as Akane closed her door.   
  
Something was amiss. Akane braced for one of Happosai's lunges--  
but nothing happened. Come to think of it, the old lech hadn't  
been heard from in a week. He'd left on another of his panty raids  
and never came back afterwards (2). Still, something was  
triggering her sixth sense. Straining her other senses, she  
realized what it was. Someone was crying! Triumphant, Akane  
almost missed the import of this fact before she started walked  
again. Stopping dead in her tracks, she listened again. A faint  
sobbing, female.   
  
P-Chan looked up at Akane, puzzled. Why was she standing in the  
middle of the hallway? Did she want some pervert like Ranma to  
wake up and see her dressed in her pyjamas?   
  
Akane tried to tell where it was coming from. All she could get  
was a general direction. She followed it to Nabiki's room.   
Listening carefully, she heard her sister's faint snores.   
Frowning, she walked over to Kasumi's door. Pausing, she listened.  
  
Nothing; it wasn't Kasumi. But that didn't leave anyone! Was it  
Nodoka? No, she was sleeping in the guest room back the other way.  
But there weren't any other girls in the house. In fact, there  
weren't any other people. Just Ranma and his father. Akane  
stopped dead. It couldn't be. Could it?  
  
She quietly moved along to the next door and listened. The faint  
sobbing was coming from inside. It was muffled by more than the  
door; Akane was surprised she had heard it so far down the hall.   
Puzzled, she looked inside.   
  
P-Chan was puzzled at first. Why was Akane listening at doors?   
Was she sleepwalking? Then she stopped at Ranma's door and looked  
through the keyhole. P-Chan became furious. Surely she wasn't--  
no, she couldn't be--was Akane really spying on *Ranma*? That  
pervert, that enemy of all women? It couldn't be. Maybe she was  
making sure Ranma wasn't out on a panty raid with Happosai. Yes,  
that was it. P-Chan walked along to the doorway and pushed it  
ever-so-slightly open with his nose.   
  
Akane looked inside. The keyhole wasn't very large, and it was  
very hard to make out much; she was looking with tunnel vision.   
All she could see was Mr. Saotome, sleeping in panda form. Well,  
it obviously wasn't *him* crying. But the crying *was* coming from  
inside. Akane gave a guilty start as she realized what she was  
doing. She should just walk on by and pretend not to notice, she  
said to herself. It was none of her business. That's when she  
felt the door push open just the slightest. She stumbled and  
nearly fell. A blind panic took her. What would Ranma say if he  
caught her? She saw that P-Chan had pushed the door and nearly  
laughed out loud in relief. Oh no you don't, she thought to  
herself as she grabbed the piglet and held it to her, praying that  
it wouldn't make any noise.   
  
Meanwhile, the piglet in question was praying that moment would  
never end. Being held by Akane Tendo like this was pure  
Heaven...he sighed. Akane put him down on the floor. He sighed  
again. Oh well. Now that he had the door open slightly, he might  
as well look in on Ranma...  
  
Akane was about to walk away, but she noticed the door had opened  
ever so slightly from P-Chan's pushing. Well, now that she had  
come so far, she might as well look in on Ranma...  
  
Ranko was sobbing into her pillow, muffling it. Akane wondered how  
she was breathing. She found out as Ranko raised her head  
momentarily to gasp in a breath. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but  
they missed the slightly widened crack between door and frame.   
Akane realized Ranma must not have slept a wink all night. She was  
dressed in a pair of Akane's pyjamas that Nodoka had insisted she  
wear. It was much less revealing than her usual boxers and t-  
shirt. Akane felt her heart tugging at her. The sight was so  
pitiful that she simply had to help. But how could she explain  
walking in on Ranma? She thought about that for a minute. Ah!   
She could say that P-Chan wandered in when she was using the  
bathroom. Now, all she had to do was get P-Chan inside. She  
reached for the little piggy again.   
  
Akane: [whispering] In you go. [it struggled] Come on...please?  
For me?   
  
P-Chan stopped struggling. Akane smiled at him.  
  
Inside, Ranko was sobbing into her pillow. None of the others  
realized how Ranma felt about all of this--what it was like, never  
having had a mother for years, then coming home and realizing you'd  
lost her--maybe forever. Ranma couldn't be his son to his mother,  
just a niece. And thanks to a stupid promise his stupid old man  
had made, by trying to be close to his mother and being a girl, he  
was dooming himself to be forever apart from her.   
  
Ranma-chan: [sobbing faintly] So stupid...stupid, stupid, stupid!  
  
Akane stopped. Ranma was actually speaking words now. She  
listened, trying to make out the faint noises. P-Chan also  
stilled, as if he could understand.  
  
And yet, he couldn't refuse her anything she asked...she *was* his  
mother. And he wanted to have her say "I love you" to him. Even  
if she said it to Ranko Tendo. Even the name hurt, when she said  
it to him. And after that afternoon, he hated his girl form so  
much more...  
  
Ranma-chan: ...Hate her...hate her so much...  
  
Akane tried to decide whether or not to be angry. There were only  
so many females he could be talking about, after all. And she  
didn't think it was Ukyou or Shampoo, somehow. Could it be Nodoka?  
Or Cologne, maybe?  
  
He wanted to be a man again, to be Ranma to his mother. But she  
had asked him to try being a feminine girl for a change--for her  
sake. How could he say no? So he put on makeup and wore high  
heels and all sorts of other horrible things. At least it was just  
that one night. But the hair...he had tried to protest, but how  
could he explain without letting out his secret? Now he was  
trapped in his girl form (3). He could be a girl forever. When he  
didn't even know how to act as one--he came out like a tomboy that  
his mom couldn't stand instead.  
  
Ranma-chan: [sobbing, faintly] 'Jus a stupid, kawaiikune tomboy!   
  
That was it. There was only *one* person he called kawaiikune, and  
that was *her*. P-Chan looked up nervously as her grip tightened  
dangerously on him. Akane turned away.   
  
Akane: Fine! Let him drown himself in his tears for all I care,  
then!   
  
P-Chan nodded in agreement. Akane stalked away back to bed. P-  
Chan didn't follow quickly enough; the door closed on his face.   
Rather than make a fuss, he shrugged and decided to head off to the  
washroom to change back. After all, he had a few plans to make  
now...  
  
Ranma-chan: [still sobbing] ...I'm just a stupid, kawaiikune  
tomboy! Why can't she see that and leave me alone?  
  
Akane flopped down on her bed. Now she was too angry to sleep.   
Who did he think he was, anyways? If he hated her that much...!   
She tossed and turned violently for a while before she calmed down  
somewhat. Lying in bed, awake still, she realized belatedly that  
she never *had* gotten her drink of water.  
  
  
(1) Three guesses which one it was, and the first two don't count.  
  
(2) Seeing as how the top news story of the day was the Dallas  
Cheerleaders World Tour stopoff in Nerima, most of the Tendo  
household was sure they'd seen the last of the old lech for at  
least a month.   
  
(3) Ranma once ate soup made from the "dragon's beard hair" in  
China, which is meant to grow hair on balding men. But on young  
boys who still have all their hair it has different effects; their  
hair starts growing hyperactively with no known limit. It has no  
effect on women, however. The only known way to stop a man's hair  
from growing after having the soup is to tie your hair with a piece  
of dragon's hair. In effect, it acts as a seal for his hair. It  
comes into the story in episodes 70 and 71 of Nettouhen and volume  
15, part 8 of the manga.   
  
* * *  
  
In China, a duck named Mousse had finally managed to get directions  
back to Japan. With great relief, he flew up into the air in a  
northeastern direction.   
  
In the early hours of the morning, not many people were awake. If  
they were, the people of Hong Kong would have seen a mass migration  
of rare Chinese Peking Ducks to Nerima, Japan, definitely *not* on  
their scheduled list of nesting sites.   
  
However, as there were no observers, it was left to the Chinese  
authorities the next morning to figure out what had happened to the  
almost five thousand birds that represented almost all the Chinese  
Peking Ducks remaining in the world.   
  
In fact, only one human being was awake and alert at that time and  
place. Unfortunately, he was a duck at the time. Also, he had no  
glasses. Which meant that when he looked behind him, he saw a  
bunch of grey shapes. Like clouds.   
  
Mousse hummed idly to himself as he flew through the clouds towards  
the distant islands of Japan.  
  
End of Part Two  



	4. Part Three

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Three  
  
  
* * *  
  
After falling asleep only hours before due to a long and strenuous  
night of crying--when you were continuously afraid of others  
finding out, especially one particularly large panda sleeping right  
next to you--what is the worst possible thing to wake up to?  
  
The answer, as Ranma found out, is a morning person.  
  
Nodoka: [shaking Ranko gently and singing] Good morning,  
sleepyeyes!   
  
Genma woke up instantly. He would have screamed had he been able  
to. However, being a panda, he just gave a choked 'growf' which  
his wife paid no attention to.   
  
One of Mr. Saotome's recurring nightmares was his wife tracking him  
down him while he was sleeping. They usually ended with her  
standing over him with a katana. As a result, Mr. Saotome had more  
than the usual case of morning jitters, and promptly ran out of the  
room.  
  
Ranma also suffered from this particular nightmare occasionally.   
Today however, Ranko only stirred slightly, exhausted from her long  
evening. Despite a rather heavy panda running out of the room over  
her sleeping body. In fact, it only barely registered on her  
consciousness.  
  
Ranma-chan: Mm...wha?  
  
Mrs. Saotome gave a beatific smile that would have done Kasumi  
proud.  
  
Nodoka: It's ten in the morning and time to get up! We let you  
sleep in 'til now, but you really must get up. It's a  
Saturday, and the world is full of brightness and beauty! All  
out there waiting for you to discover...so wakey, wakey, my  
little angel!  
  
Ranko pulled the covers over her head.  
  
Ranma-chan: Lemme alone.   
  
Nodoka: Well, you certainly are a tough one in the morning, aren't  
you? I wonder how Kasumi gets you up for school... [she  
thinks for a moment] I hate to do it, but I guess I'll just  
have to use this bucket of hot wat--  
  
Ranko was out of bed and dressed faster than you can say 'Matero-  
scopomorphoandrophobia' (1). Nodoka laughed.  
  
Nodoka: I'm sorry, Ranko, but you were so difficult to get up, and  
the day is growing old as we speak. Since you don't have  
school today, I was hoping we could do a few things together.  
  
Ranko nervously looked around for the bucket of hot water.   
  
Ranma-chan: Things?  
  
Nodoka: Well...to begin with, you need a whole new wardrobe! Not  
to mention jewelry...makeup...and we have to talk about a few  
thinks. Honestly! You'd think you'd never even heard of a  
period!   
  
Ranko was halfway back to sleep, sensing the danger past, if it  
ever was there in the first place.  
  
Ranma-chan: The thing at the end of a sentence?  
  
Nodoka: [counting on her fingers] Then of course, we should go to  
a beautician's and have your ears pierced...and we'll have to  
practice walking, and eating...and I'd love to spend some time  
just talking, like girlfriends.   
  
Ranma-chan: Girlfriends?  
  
Nodoka took a closer look at Ranko. Ranko's eyes were red-rimmed  
and her eyes weren't focusing. She had lines drawn all over her  
face.  
  
Nodoka: Good heavens! You look terrible! Are you coming down  
with something?   
  
Mrs. Saotome bent down and checked Ranko's forehead. She stood  
back up.  
  
Nodoka: Well, there's no fever...but you're awfully pale, and  
you've got bags under your eyes. Did you sleep all right?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, well...  
  
Nodoka: It must be the futon; I can't imagine sleeping on it is  
good for your back, anyways. You should be in a bed.  
  
Ranma-chan: But...  
  
Nodoka: Hush, I know, dear. The Tendos don't have enough to go  
around. Well, not to worry; there's one in my room; we can  
share. Now, wouldn't you like that?  
  
Ranko fainted.  
  
  
(1) "Fear of having your mother see you change into a male". No,  
really.   
  
* * *  
  
Darkness. Somehow, it seemed awfully familiar to Ranma. Like a  
close friend. He seemed to be coming here often enough these days.   
Strangely, he couldn't seem to remember his way around. He started  
looking around himself. Darkness. He shook his head, disgusted  
with himself. What *else* was he expecting to find? Then he  
realized, it wasn't just his head being shaken...  
  
To give Ranma credit, when he opened his eyes and saw his mother,  
he didn't scream.   
  
Of course, as Nabiki's video footage would later testify to, Ranma  
*did* jump ten feet in the air from a prone position and latch onto  
the ceiling with all his strength.  
  
Or rather, her strength, as Ranko belatedly realized, once again...  
  
Nodoka: [looking up] Oh, my.   
  
Nabiki: [to herself] I wonder if Guiness has a record for this...  
  
Akane: [to herself] What a dope.  
  
Ranma-chan: [from the ceiling] I heard that! Who're you calling  
a dope, you tomboy!  
  
Akane: [getting angry] What! Why you...you...JERK!  
  
Ranko wiggled her hands while simultaneously sticking out her  
tongue at Akane.  
  
Ranma-chan: Nyaaaah!  
  
Ranko abruptly realized something was wrong. Perhaps it was the  
fact that she needed all four arms and legs to stay attached to the  
ceiling. That might explain why the floor was rushing to meet her.  
  
There was a jarring thud, and everyone winced.  
  
Akane: What a dope.  
  
Ranma-chan: Urrrrrg...  
  
* * *  
  
On the street below, Ryoga chuckled to himself as he exulted in the  
fact that today he, Ryoga Hibiki, would at long last have his  
revenge upon Ranma Saotome! He strode down the street, his  
destination firmly in mind. As soon as he reached the Tendo dojo,  
Ranma would pay...  
  
It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one when Ryoga found  
himself looking at Ukyo's Okinomiyaki-ya (1), Ucchan's, instead.  
  
He was still standing there looking puzzled when Ukyou left her  
shop. She looked at Ryoga blocking the way out. He was oblivious  
to the problem. Or for that matter, her. Ukyou considered using  
her spatula to clear him out of her path, but decided against  
performing random acts of violence before breakfast.  
  
Ukyou: Hey Ryoga! What's up?  
  
Ryoga turned around and saw Ukyou, apparently for the first time in  
the five minutes he'd been standing there.  
  
Ryoga: Oh, hello Ukyou. I'm trying to get to the Tendo dojo.   
Could you tell me where to go? (2)  
  
Ukyou smiled at Ryoga in a genuinely friendly manner.   
  
Ukyou: It must be your lucky day, Ryoga--I'm headed there myself!   
Would you like to come with me?  
  
Ryoga: Really? Sure, that'd be great! But don't you have to stay  
and run your restaurant?  
  
Ukyou: Nope, I'm closed while Mrs. Saotome's in town.   
  
Ukyou smiled at Ryoga. Ryoga smiled at Ukyou. Then a nasty  
suspicion hit Ukyou, perhaps spurred on by the lack of violence in  
the last fifteen minutes, which was suspicious in itself.  
  
Ukyou: Say Ryoga, why do you want to go to the dojo? Going to ask  
Akane out while Ranma's away?  
  
Ryoga: Me? [blushing furiously] No, I was just going to  
challenge Ranma...  
  
Ukyou: [to herself] I should have known. [to Ryoga] Oopsie!   
You know what? I forgot to wash my hair!  
  
Ryoga: Oh, don't worry. I'll wait for you.  
  
Ukyou: But it could take hours! [overriding Ryoga's response to  
this] Don't worry, I'll give you exact directions! Heck,  
I'll even give you a map!   
  
Ukyo ran into the restaurant for a second, returning with a map.   
  
Ukyou: There you go! 100% guaranteed infallible!   
  
Ryoga: Thanks, Ukyou!   
  
Ryoga looked at the map. It was a very nice map, full of streets  
and signs and names and directions and everything you could  
possibly ask for in a map short of computerized assistance. It was  
also not in Japanese.  
  
Ryoga: Er...Ukyou, why is this in french?  
  
Ukyou looked chastised.  
  
Ukyou: Um...so you can ask for directions if you get lost in  
France?  
  
Ryoga: Oh! That makes sense. I could have used a map like this  
last week.  
  
Ukyou looked at him strangely, but decided not to ask.  
  
Ryoga: Well, see you later, after I destroy Ranma!  
  
Ukyou: Bye-bye! Good luck! [to herself] What an idiot.  
  
Ukyou smiled and put up the 'closed' sign on her restaurant before  
leaving with a whistle and a spring in her step for the Tendo home.  
  
Ryoga was walking in the opposite direction.  
  
  
(1) Restaurant specializing in okinomiyaki. Okinomiyaki are  
similar to pancakes but often have pizza-like toppings or sauces on  
them. A recipe for okinomiyaki can be found in Hikaru Ichinhohei's  
"A Son's Duty" (which is worth reading for its own sake as well).  
  
(2) That line just begs to be exploited. But I resisted my darker  
nature and ignored it, because Ukyou's just too sweet and nice to  
say anything like that. Who else thinks I'm developing a crush on  
her, raise your hands.  
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked up from where she was examining Ranko.  
  
Nodoka: [in a doubtful tone] Well, there doesn't *seem* to be  
anything broken...  
  
Nabiki: Oh, don't worry about her. Her head's the hardest part of  
her body.  
  
Nodoka: Well...all right. Now, girls. I'd like to speak to Ranko  
alone, if you don't mind.  
  
Nabiki grumbled something under her breath. Akane caught something  
about 'deja vu'. Nodoka firmly shut the door behind them. And  
turned off Nabiki's video camera. She sighed. Perhaps she should  
have a nice long talk with Nabiki next.   
  
Ranma-chan: [holding her head] Ow.  
  
Nodoka: Now I'm certain you're not well. It's a shame to waste a  
beautiful day like today, but there's always Sunday. We can   
go shopping then. I was going to have a talk with you later,  
but since you're obviously not up to it...  
  
Ranma-chan: Hey! Who says I'm not? I'm ready for anything!  
  
Nodoka: Oh, would you like to go shopping, then?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uhhh...  
  
Nodoka: [smoothly] I didn't think so. Honestly, Ranko--fainting,  
looking pale, you're in no shape to do anything! You should  
be in bed.   
  
Ranma-chan: But...  
  
Nodoka: No 'buts' about it! You march in there right now, young  
lady!   
  
Ranko had a begrieved look on her face. Mrs. Saotome softened,  
sympathizing with her.   
  
Nodoka: Oh, don't worry. I'll bring up your meals to you, give  
you a few pillows to lie on, and come by to talk every hour!   
  
Ranma-chan: [gloomily] I can hardly wait. [looking up] Talking?  
About what?  
  
Nodoka: Well...[blushing] Actually, I was hoping you'd talk to  
*me*.   
  
Ranma-chan: Huh?  
  
Nodoka: I...I was wondering if you could tell me about Ranma.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko seemed to be having trouble with the phrase.   
  
Ranma-chan: Tell you...about Ranma?   
  
Nodoka: [blushing] Yes...if you don't mind. It's just...I  
haven't seen him since he was a baby...and I miss him...  
so...much...   
  
Mrs. Saotome started to cry. Ranko was horrified.  
  
Ranma-chan: Don't cry! Uh...  
  
Ranko looked around. There was nobody else around. She hesitantly  
enfolded her mother in a hug. Mrs. Saotome hugged back, smiling  
sadly.  
  
Ranma-chan: Um...I'd love to talk about Ranma!   
He's...uh...he's...the best martial artist I know of! [Nodoka  
looked at her] And he's brave, and honourable, and nice, and  
smart, and strong, and [she runs out of things to say] brave,  
and, uh, strong, and...  
  
Nodoka: [smiling] I get the picture. But, well...I was hoping  
you'd tell me more of...well...who he is, not what he is. I  
want to know the real him. I want to know my son. I just  
wish I could meet him.  
  
Ranma-chan: [whispering] I wish you could, too.  
  
Nodoka: [looking at Ranko] What was that?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, he told me that he wishes he could, too.   
  
Nodoka: Oh...that's a relief, in a way. I was...well...it's  
silly, I suppose, but I was beginning to think that he and  
Genma were...well, avoiding me. I don't think I could take it  
if they hated me.  
  
Ranma-chan: I don't hate you!  
  
Nodoka: Why, thank you, Ranko.  
  
Ranma-chan: Guh. I mean...Ranma doesn't hate you, either! He  
told me!  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled broadly.  
  
Nodoka: Really? What a relief!  
  
Ranma-chan: Do you really think so?  
  
Nodoka: Of course! I was beginning to think he and Genma had  
taken vows of silence, from all everyone else will tell me  
about them! It's wonderful to talk to someone who actually  
knows him. Tell me, do you two get along?  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh, yes! We're...we're...best friends! Inseparable!   
We do the same things, like the same things, have the same  
friends! We even sleep together! [her eyes cross] Uh...I  
didn't mean that like it sounded. [she looks at Mrs. Saotome,  
but she appears not to have reacted to it] Like sister and  
brother, I mean!  
  
Nodoka: [wistfully] What is he like?   
  
Ranma-chan: Er...he's a lot like me...like twins, kinda.  
  
Nodoka: But what is he *like*? I don't know you half as well as  
I'd like to sometimes, Ranko.   
  
Ranma-chan: ...  
  
Nodoka: I tell you what. I'll make you a deal. While I'm here,  
we'll do things together, so I can get to know you...and in  
return...  
  
Mrs. Saotome's face suddenly contorted into a mischievous look.   
Ranko blinked, unsure if she was hallucinating.  
  
Nodoka: ...I won't force you to dress up in high heels again!   
I've never seen anybody hate them so much in my life!  
  
Ranma-chan: I don't *hate* them...I mean, not really...I mean, how  
did you know?  
  
Nodoka: Call it...a mother's intuition.  
  
Ranko opened her mouth. Rather than her high-pitched voice,  
however, a low male one came out.  
  
Ryoga: Ranma! Come out and fight like a man! BAKUSAI   
TENKETSU (1)!!   
  
There was the roar of an explosion.  
  
  
(1) Blasting point technique taught to Ryoga by Cologne. Used by  
the Chinese construction industry, for use on rocks only.  
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga looked around, satisfied. The yard was something of a mess  
after he blew up the boulder in the centre of it. For that matter,  
'something of a mess' was a gross understatement. More of a war  
zone, actually. Yes, he was quite proud of himself. If *this*  
didn't get Ranma to come running...  
  
Ryoga stopped. You know, when he took a closer look, something  
didn't look quite right. And come to think of it, when had the  
Tendos gotten a pink flamingo for their pool? Oops. Ryoga flushed  
red. He was just about to sneak away when he heard a voice from  
behind him.  
  
Ranma-chan: Yo, Ryoga! What's up? Are you finished beating up on  
the neighbours yet?  
  
Ryoga looked around. The entire Tendo family was outside their  
house watching him. He was next door. The Tendo part of the yard  
was relatively untouched. Well, there were pieces of rock strewn  
across it, but overall nowhere near as bad as the part Ryoga was  
standing in. He cleared his throat.  
  
Ryoga: Ha, Ranma! Today is the day you will die!   
  
Ukyou: [in shock] I can't believe it! He made it here!  
  
Ranma-chan: Ha yourself, pig-boy! I'm ready for you anytime!  
  
Ukyou: [still in shock] But that was a map of Paris!  
  
Mrs. Saotome stepped in between Ranko and Ryoga. Ranko's face went  
through surprise, horror and relief in quick succession. She  
immediately calmed down and stood next to her mother obediently,  
which turned more than a few heads.  
  
Nodoka: Now, now, young man. What's all this about?  
  
Ryoga: I'm not here to talk! I'm going to pay back Ranma for  
making my life a living HELL!  
  
Nodoka: [forcefully] Well, your revenge is just going to have to  
wait until Ranma gets back from training.  
  
Ukyou: [still in shock] Paris, France...as in, Europe!  
  
Ryoga: Huh?   
  
Ryoga looked around. Ranma was there, in her girl form again.   
You'd think Ranma almost *liked* his curse. It figured. Ranma  
should have been the one to be stuck as a pair of pork chops!   
...So why was everyone pretending she wasn't there? And why was  
Mrs. Saotome acting like she didn't even know her own son?  
  
Ryoga: Hiding behind your mother, Saotome? That's what I'd expect  
from a *girl*.  
  
Ryoga's eyes glinted evilly. He'd been saving this for a while,  
ever since he found out about Ranma crying. Perhaps this would  
partially atone for all the hell Ranma had put him through.  
  
Ryoga: ...a stupid, kawaiikune tomboy of a girl!  
  
Ranko took a step backwards in horror. Akane turned to look at  
Ranko.  
  
Ranma-chan: No...he couldn't have...  
  
Ukyou: It wasn't even in kanji!   
  
Ryoga: What's the matter, Ranma? [mocking her] Are wuu tired  
from cwying aww night long? [laughing] You can't take your  
widdle curse like a man? [laughing louder] You can't--OOMPH!  
  
Ranko twisted in midair and landed behind Ryoga, who still had her  
footprint on his face. He toppled over.   
  
Nodoka: Ranko!  
  
Ranko turned and looked at Mrs. Saotome defiantly.  
  
Nodoka: That's no way to treat a guest!  
  
Everyone facefaulted. Ryoga took that opportunity to stand up. He  
and Ranko squared off, battle aura emanating from both. Ukyou  
snapped out of her shock.  
  
Ryoga: Ha! Your kick felt like a baby's, Ranma! You're as weak  
as...as a girl!  
  
The three iinazuke (1) turned and concentrated glares on Ryoga. He  
didn't notice. The two started brawling furiously.  
  
Nodoka: [stepping in between them] Ranko! Stop that! Stop that  
right now!   
  
Ranko froze in place with a fearful expression. Ryoga kept going  
and his fist hit Ranko, sending her sprawling into the dirt. Akane  
winced. Ryoga could shatter rocks with one hand. That *had* to  
have hurt. Ranko got up gamely, her face showing no expression,  
but her battle aura still intact.  
  
Nodoka: STOP!! [Ranko and Ryoga stopped and looked at her] Thank  
you. Now, young man...I want an explanation, and I believe  
Ranko deserves an apology.   
  
Ryoga: But...  
  
Mrs. Saotome flared up in anger. For a moment, everyone saw the  
iron fist inside the glove.  
  
Nodoka: No! You *will* apologize! Now!   
  
Anyone who has ever imagined an angry Kasumi can well imagine the  
feelings of guilt, shame and horror the target of her anger must  
feel. This however wasn't Kasumi, but an older and more  
experienced version of her. Ryoga's anger shrivelled and died as  
he looked into her eyes. For a moment, it seemed like his  
willpower would win out, but it was wiped out by his inability to  
deal with females of any age.  
  
Ryoga: ...Uh...okay.   
  
Ryoga turned, somewhat shakily, to Ranko. He held out his hand to  
her.  
  
Ryoga: I'm sorry, Ranma...  
  
Ranko screamed a scream of frustration. Her hands balled into  
fists and her face turned to the sky, she screamed for all she was  
worth. Then, using the ancient technique of 'righteous-female-  
fists-of-fury' (2), she turned Ryoga into hamburger in little over  
a second, screaming continuously. Then she turned and fled the  
dojo in silence, leaving a light, sparkling trail of tears behind  
her.   
  
Silence reigned in Ranko's wake. Ukyou, Shampoo and Akane were  
shocked at Ranma crying. Mrs. Saotome was simply shocked by  
Ranko's behaviour in general, not to mention this new boy. Nabiki  
was shocked that she hadn't been the first to find out about one of  
Ranma's weaknesses (so she could sell it to the highest bidder).   
Genma (still in panda form) was shocked that his son had managed to  
learn a new martial arts manoeuvre, and Mr. Tendo was shocked by  
the sorry state of his yard. Ryoga was merely unconscious.  
  
Akane began to run after Ranko. A hand fell on her shoulder. Her  
father loomed over her with a rake in his hand, demon head and all.  
  
Soun: And just *where* do you think you're going? The yard is a  
mess!  
  
Akane: Is that all you can think about? Clean up yourself!  
  
Soun dissolved into tears (#160, My Youngest Daughter Yelled At  
Me). Akane ignored him and ran out the gates, after a fleeing  
Ranko.   
  
  
(1) 'Iinazuke' = Fiancee or fiancees (female). In this case  
Shampoo, Akane and Ukyou. Be afraid. Be very afraid.  
  
(2) Come on, you mean you've never wondered why any female who's  
feeling particularly angry at a dumb male in a Takahashi anime is  
able to beat said male up without resistance, regardless of the  
guy's normal ability to dodge, block or hit back? This special  
technique is passed down from mother to daughter in Japan and only  
works when the female knows the male well (it can't be just a  
passing stranger, someone who's kidnapped you, or anytime it might  
actually come in useful). If you happen to know a Japanese female  
or *are* a Japanese female, please don't hit me. I was only  
kidding. Please.   
  
* * *  
  
Mousse had never believed how relieved he would be when he finally  
landed on Japanese soil. Around him and unbeknownst to him,  
several thousand of his fellow mallards settled down. He had asked  
them for directions to Japan and had had to explain what it was to  
them. They, in turn, thought it would make a great vacation spot.   
That could cause problems later on, especially if and when Mousse  
ever got his glasses back so he could see them there.  
  
But for now, Mousse was almost deliriously happy. Which is why he  
never noticed the two men who walked up to him before they knocked  
him out.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko fled into the city uncaring of where she went or who saw her.  
  
It didn't really matter anyways, she couldn't see very well. She  
had only cried for a few seconds, but somehow her eyes were full of  
tears. She just ran without thought. Now she was lost. Slowing  
to a walk, she wiped her eyes clear and took a look around.   
  
She was in the business sector of the city. Tall buildings and  
skyscrapers competed for attention with ritzy bars and restaurants.  
  
Both were losing to the spectacle of a young girl with red hair  
running over rooftops. Ranko blushed as she realized who everyone  
was looking at and quickly turned down the first alleyway she came  
to.   
  
She leaned against the nearest wall, breathing heavily. Trust  
Ryoga to be even stupider than she had thought possible. She  
sighed and looked around her. Well, time to go home. She had  
already made a mess of things. She shrugged and started forward.   
A sudden movement tugged at the corner of her eye. Ranko froze.   
She waited, not so much listening or looking as *feeling* for other  
people. Nothing. She relaxed. She *had* been under some strain  
recently. It was to be expected.   
  
Ranko walked forward. Movement. This time she was ready for it,  
though. Ranko leapt into the air, spinning around in a circle.   
She landed, fists out and ready, facing her opponent.   
  
Her opponent was a wall. Like many walls on the skyscrapers  
downtown, it was polished metal, giving a mirror-like quality to  
it. Ranko saw her reflection staring at her; a pretty, red-haired  
girl with a smudged face. Ranko laughed at herself. She walked  
forward and looked at herself closer. One shoe had fallen off, she  
noticed absently. Suddenly it was too much to bear.  
  
Ranma-chan: TENSHIN AMIGURIKEN!!   
  
Her fists smashed against her reflection again and again. Soon it  
became difficult to see it through the tears that flowed freely  
down her face. Good.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane was just about to give up and go home. Ranko could have gone  
anywhere, she admitted to herself. Why couldn't she run normally,  
rather than over rooftops like some...some kind of circus acrobat?   
Akane sighed. Someone ought to tell her to come home, anyways.   
Akane firmly convinced herself that was all she was here for.   
Which brought to mind the question, where exactly *was* 'here'?  
  
Akane looked around her. The business sector. She almost laughed.  
  
Ranma, coming here? Nabiki maybe, but Ranma? She'd be better off  
checking the bridge by the river...Ranma liked to go there  
sometimes when he wanted to be alone. Then she heard Ranko shout.   
She turned and ran towards the sound.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranko was in an alley, hitting a wall. Well, that was a relief.   
Akane had been afraid she'd find Ranko beating up some poor  
passerby, or even worse, being attacked by some punks. She  
breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
Akane: Ranma?   
  
Ranma-chan: IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou! WHAMWHAMWHAM  
  
Akane: What?  
  
Ranma-chan: IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou!   
WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM  
  
Akane waved a hand in front of Ranko's eyes.  
  
Akane: Hello? Ranma? Anybody home?  
  
Ranma-chan: I HATE YOU!! WHAM!   
  
Akane: [angry] Well, you can just ROT here for all I care!!   
  
Akane decked Ranko with her fists and stormed away.  
  
As she left, the bank manager whose wall had been punched  
continuously for something like a minute stepped out of a side  
exit.   
  
Bank Manager: Hey! You punks quit banging on my building!   
[seeing Ranko] Oh my! [seeing the wall actually indented]   
AIEEE! MY WALL! [calming down] I wonder if insurance covers  
it? [shaking Ranko] Hey! Hey kid! You okay? Look, where  
do you live? I'll call a taxi for you, okay?  
  
Ranma-chan: Umm? The Tendo dojo. [to herself] Well...I guess I  
*should* go back. After all, it's not like Ryoga actually  
*told* her my curse. Yeah! [looking cheerful] I bet she  
doesn't even believe a word he said, anyways! I can just go  
back and say he lied! I don't even have to mention the curse  
at all!   
  
The bank manager looked at Ranko as if she had grown a second head.  
After checking just to make sure, Ranko realized she had been  
speaking out loud. She blushed.  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh...uh...I'll just walk. Heh.   
  
Ranko smiled, dusted herself off, and walked away.  
  
Bank Manager: Why did I quit my job at Kronos? Sure, there was  
the chance of an incidental decapitation, but overall it was  
nice and quiet...nothing at all like this place.  
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga woke up. He had a headache now. Vaguely he wondered how  
Ranma could stand being pummelled by Akane every day. Ranma! That  
made him sit up, which did interesting things to his headache.   
Ukyou and Shampoo were sitting cross-legged in front of him. They  
didn't look very pleased.  
  
Ukyou: [in a flat voice] Ranma's not here, Ryoga.  
  
Ryoga blushed. He hadn't realized he'd said that out loud.   
Actually, come to think of it, he hadn't. He wondered how Ukyou  
knew what he was thinking.   
  
Shampoo: Ranma go very far away.   
  
Ryoga: Oh, did he run away from me again?  
  
Ukyou: Ryoga, Ranma wasn't here.   
  
Ryoga: But I saw...  
  
Shampoo: Ryoga see Ranko.  
  
Ryoga: But...  
  
Ukyou: But she looks a lot like Ranma. Yes, we know. But she's  
not, really!  
  
Ryoga: [astonished] Really?  
  
Ukyou nodded empathetically to Ryoga. She also crossed her fingers  
behind her back.  
  
Ukyou: Uh-huh. Cross my heart and hope to die!   
  
Ryoga: Wow, then she must be...  
  
Ryoga searched his mind for a moment, struggling at the concept.   
He gave up. Luckily, Shampoo saved him from showing his ignorance.  
  
Shampoo: She Akane cousin.   
  
Ryoga: Really? [panicking] You mean I just beat up Akane's  
cousin?!  
  
Ukyou: It looked more like she beat *you* up. But yeah,  
essentially you've got it.  
  
Ryoga: Oh no! What will Akane think of me now?  
  
Shampoo: Ryoga no worry about violent tomboy.  
  
Ukyou: Yeah, Ryoga...I tell you what. I'll clear everything with  
Akane for you.  
  
Ryoga: [hopefully] Really?   
  
Ukyou: But in return, I need you to do me something.  
  
Ryoga: Anything! Just name it!  
  
Shampoo: Ryoga go get special ingredient for potion. Is called  
'Bird of Paradise feathers'. You get for Shampoo, okay?  
  
Ryoga: Right! No problem! You can count on me!   
  
Ryoga ran out of the room.   
  
Ukyou: [to Shampoo] 'Bird of Paradise feathers'?  
  
Shampoo smirked and crossed her arms smugly.  
  
Shampoo: It no exist. Shampoo make sure he stay away very long  
time even if find dojo again.   
  
Ukyou: [doubtfully] I dunno, Shampoo. I gave him a false map and  
he followed it straight here. It seems like every time we  
*try* to get rid of him, he just comes back sooner than if we  
left him alone. [gnawing on her lip] He reminds me of a  
boomerang. You just can't get rid of him when you try.  
  
Ryoga poked his head into the room.  
  
Ryoga: Uh...which way is out?  
  
Ukyou: [moaning] It's hopeless...hopeless...  
  
Shampoo: [sighing] Here. I help you find way out.   
  
Shampoo walked out, holding Ryoga's hand tightly. Ukyou turned  
around. Only now do we see that Mrs. Saotome is also in the room,  
sitting behind where Ryoga was lying. Ukyou is still crossing her  
fingers behind her back.  
  
Ukyou: You see, Mrs. Saotome? I told you he had a vision problem.  
Without his glasses, all he sees are colours and shapes. He  
even talks to plants, thinking they're people!   
  
Nodoka: Yes, I see that you're right. Still, he said some strange  
things, didn't he? What was that about a curse?  
  
A big sweat drop formed on Ukyou's head. She thought quickly.   
  
Ukyou: Uh, he meant that anyone who dared to cross him must be  
cursed because he'll kill them. He's from a samurai family  
and he's a little bit...um...carried away, sometimes.   
  
Nodoka: Oh. It sounds like he's a little egotistical.  
  
Ukyou: Uh, yeah, people have said that.  
  
Nodoka: Well, I'm glad you were here to straighten things out. I  
don't know what I'd do without you here, Ukyou. Thank you.   
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled warmly at Ukyou and left.  
  
Ukyou: [under her breath] I do. [smiling] Well, that's that.   
You know, I never thought I'd be grateful for knowing Mousse  
and Kuno, but they make wonderful excuses. Not to mention  
case studies during Psychology class.  
  
* * *  
  
Mr. Tendo stopped raking. He had hit another stone. He bent down  
to pick it up. When he came back up, he looked at the object in  
his hands oddly.  
  
Nabiki: [lounging on the veranda] What's that, daddy?  
  
Soun: It...it appears to be a pair of glasses.   
  
Nabiki: Oh, really? Let me see.  
  
Mr. Tendo gave Mousse's glasses to his daughter and then went back  
to work. Soon he forgot all about the incident. The garden needed  
a lot of work.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko walked in the front door with trepidation. Nothing happened.  
  
She walked into the living room. No one was there.   
  
Ranma-chan: [very faintly] I'm home!  
  
Nothing stirred.   
  
Ranma-chan: [loudly] I'm *home*!  
  
Nobody answered. Ranko got irritated.   
  
Ranma-chan: HEY! IS ANYONE GONNA PAY ATTENTION TO ME, OR WHAT?  
  
Mrs. Saotome walked out of the kitchen, smiling. Ranko suddenly  
remembered exactly *why* she had been nervous about returning.  
  
Nodoka: Why hello, Ranko. Feeling better now?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...you could say that. About Ryoga...  
  
Nodoka: Oh, don't worry. Ukyou explained Ryoga and Ranma to me.   
  
Ranko did a doubletake.  
  
Ranma-chan: She did?  
  
Nodoka: Yes, she did, although I wouldn't mind talking to you  
about a few things. Your standing up for Ranma is very sweet,  
Ranko. But he should fight his own battles. And what was all  
that about you crying to sleep?  
  
Ranma-chan: [thinking desperately] ...  
  
Nodoka: [sighing] It's all right, Ranko. Just remember, if you  
ever want to talk to someone, I'm here.   
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled a bit sadly and walked back into the kitchen to  
oversee dinner.  
  
* * *  
  
Some time later in the kitchen, a struggle of titanic proportions  
was taking place. That is, Shampoo, Akane and Ukyou were making  
dinner, having since duped Mrs. Saotome into the belief that they  
were capable of doing so. To be entirely correct, the three girls  
were not making dinner. Akane was *trying* (and failing) to make  
dinner, Shampoo was trying to drug dinner, and Ukyou was trying to  
stop the other two from doing what they were doing. Between the  
three dinner had become more than a task. It had become an  
odyssey.   
  
But five hours after the beginning of the nightmare, the herculean  
task was almost finished. Unfortunately, 'almost' only counts in  
horseshoes and hand grenades (1). Still, one could almost  
breathe a sigh of relief. All that remained now were the final  
touches. But of course, each person believed in slightly differing  
final touches as well.   
  
Akane put a sprig of parsley on top of each plate. Except that the  
parsley was actually seaweed. Which is quite edible and tasty,  
unless the main course is sweet and sour pork. Ukyou made a little  
heart shape on Ranma's plate out of extra sauce. When Akane wasn't  
looking, she poured an entire bottle of hot sauce on Akane's plate.  
  
Shampoo pulled a little bottle out of someplace unmentionable and  
opened the stopper. She then liberally poured the contents over  
Ranma's food, and then tossed the empty bottle over her shoulder.   
  
The bottle hit Akane on the head.   
  
Akane: OW! Hey, Shampoo, are you trying to start a fight?  
  
Shampoo: Violent girl challenge Shampoo?  
  
Shampoo assumed a defensive posture. Akane did likewise. Ukyou  
leaned down to pick the bottle up. She held it up to the light.   
  
Ukyou: Uh, Akane...is this what I think it is?  
  
Akane turned around to look.  
  
Akane: Hmm? [spotting the bottle] Hey! What is this, Shampoo?   
Are you trying to poison me again?  
  
Shampoo: [gloating] Shampoo make Ranma love her! Put special  
love potion in dinner! Then Ranma marry Shampoo!  
  
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other. Then they looked at Shampoo.  
  
Akane took a glass of water and threw it at Shampoo.   
Simultaneously, Ukyou took out her mega-spatula and caught the  
changing Shampoo-Neko on it. Akane opened the window. Ukyou  
tossed Shampoo through it. Akane closed the window. The two shook  
hands.  
  
Akane: But now what? Dinner's so late, we can't afford to make it  
over again! Unless you know which part she drugged?   
  
Ukyou: Probably something Ranma couldn't miss, like...Come to  
think of it, Ranma eats everything.  
  
Akane: [sighing] So it's hopeless.   
  
Mousse: Not so, Akane Tendo!   
  
The two girls turned around. Mousse stood in the kitchen proudly,  
albeit somewhat shakily. He looked even worse than usual after a  
beating from Shampoo. But at long last, he was in human form  
again.   
  
Ukyou: Mousse! Where did you come from? No, cancel that. What  
happened to you?  
  
Mousse: I changed back to human form in a restaurant.   
Unfortunately, I didn't have my clothes nearby. [blushing]   
They threw me out for indecent exposure. Luckily, I had my  
weapons on me.  
  
Ukyou gave Mousse an unreadable look.  
  
Ukyou: Where could you hide...? Never mind, I don't want to know.  
  
Akane: So what's with the earring?  
  
Mousse blushed again. That brought up a sore point with him,  
literally. The men from the Ministry of the Environment had radio-  
tagged him in duck form, and he had yet to find a way of taking the  
stupid thing off.   
  
Mousse: It's...uh...part of a new technique I'm developing.   
[Akane raised an eyebrow] Uh...'razor-earring-  
surprise-throw'.   
  
Ukyou cleared her throat.  
  
Ukyou: You said you could help us?  
  
Mousse: There is no way I can let Shampoo enchant Ranma! If that  
were to happen, I would...I would...  
  
Akane: [shouting] Never mind that, Mousse! Can you help us or  
not?  
  
Mousse: I can indeed, Akane Tendo. Does the bottle have a number  
on it?  
  
Ukyou looked at the label. She read it out loud.  
  
Ukyou: Five...One...Nine.   
  
Mousse: Ah, the classic love charm. Luckily, I have the  
instructions for the countercharm right here.   
  
Mousse pulled an ancient-looking scroll out of his robes. He  
perused through it for a second, then looked up.  
  
Mousse: Just as I thought! We need number Four One Six.   
  
Mousse handed the scroll to a plant hanging from the ceiling.   
Ukyou turned him the right way and took the scroll from him.   
  
Ukyou: Mousse, this is in Chinese!  
  
Mousse: Oh, sorry. [holding his hand out to the stove] Here, let  
me have it. I'll read it for you.  
  
Akane: What about your glasses?  
  
Mousse: I lost them, but don't worry. I can read just fine.   
  
Mousse looked at the parchment in front of him. He couldn't see  
anything, but he remembered recipe number Four One Six perfectly.   
Or was it number Six Four One? Whatever. Well, he remembered that  
you needed a spoonful of oregano. Wait. Oregano? That didn't  
sound right. They must have meant passion spice. That made sense  
for a countercharm. Who ever heard of putting oregano into a magic  
potion?  
  
Mousse: Okay. The first thing we need is some passion spice.  
  
Akane: Where are we going to get...  
  
Ukyou: [sheepishly] I have some with me.  
  
Akane: WHAT?!  
  
Mousse: Good. Now, some pickled cabbage, hair of dog, three tears  
from a virgin...  
  
  
(1) Actually, that's a lie. In the Ranmaverse, 'almost'  
counts in horseshoes and Akane's cooking. Hand grenades are  
restricted in Japan as 'illegal weapons'. Some people, usually  
those invited to try her cookies, believe that Akane's culinary  
produce should be restricted as well, perhaps under the category of  
'biological weapons'.  
  
* * *  
  
The Tendo family was seated in the dining room. Everyone was  
wondering what was taking dinner so long, but nobody wanted to be  
the first to complain. Except, of course, Mr. Saotome. But he had  
wisely decided against it after thinking about what his wife would  
do if she figured out who he was. To everyone's relief, Akane  
poked her head out of the kitchen.  
  
Soun: Ah, Akane! Is dinner ready yet?  
  
Akane: Um, not yet, daddy. We're just giving it one final touch.   
Say, Kasumi, do we have any eye of newt?  
  
Kasumi: [blinking] Why, no.   
  
Nodoka: [frowning] Why on earth would you need...  
  
Akane frowned, then brightened.  
  
Akane: No problem! I'll just substitute eel. They're like newts,  
right?   
  
Akane ran back into the kitchen.  
  
Big drops of sweat appeared on everyone's head.   
  
* * *  
  
Akane and Ukyou came in with dinner. If anyone noticed the absence  
of Shampoo, they were smart enough not to comment. Mousse was also  
absent. When Akane had found him with adding poison to something,  
she had splashed water on him and thrown him out the window. Akane  
frowned absently. She really should have asked where he had put it  
before she did that. Oh well. She had put a package of instant  
antidotes into Ranma's drink (the Tendo family had gotten used to  
such things with Kodachi and Shampoo around). That should do it,  
right?  
  
She failed to notice the soy milk turn purple and start bubbling.  
  
Everyone looked at the feast before them hungrily.  
  
Nabiki: Wow, everything looks great!  
  
Everyone began eating. Ranko ate with great gusto as well, despite  
everything her mother had tried to teach her. Nodoka decided to  
stay silent this time.   
  
Unbeknownst to anyone sitting at the table, Ranma's dinner was a  
minefield. Shampoo's love potion warred with Mousse's poison in  
his rice, while the potion countercharm in the pork seethed,  
waiting its turn. Then there was the antidote in his drink.   
Unfortunately for Ranma, the countercharm was doomed from the very  
beginning. Besides getting the number wrong, Mousse misread every  
single item--from the wrong list. On a good day, all these wrongs  
might have added up to a successful attempt. But in the  
Ranmaverse, good days came once a year. Then of course, Akane  
cooked it, which was enough on its own to cause heart failure. The  
potion-poison mixture would have become harmless were it not for  
the special heart-shaped sauce Ukyou had drawn on it, which mutated  
it into a hybrid form. This precipitate then reacted badly to  
Akane's cooking (a not uncommon reaction), which was--as usual--  
highly dangerous. As for the poison antidote, well, upon contact  
with the soy milk in Ranma's glass it formed a very interesting  
precipitate which induced hallucinations. This was written in a  
bright red warning on the side of the box and packet, but Akane had  
neglected to read it. The makers of the product felt that nobody  
would be foolish enough to drink a foaming purple liquid, anyways.  
  
Ranko was shovelling pork into her face. She stopped. Her face  
was turning a mild shade of green. It must be Akane's cooking.   
She switched to the rice. After all, Akane couldn't screw up  
everything, could she? Her face turned red. Her mouth was on  
fire! She grabbed her glass and drained it in one gulp, neglecting  
to notice the bright colour. Her face turned white and she toppled  
over backwards, unconscious.  
  
Kasumi looked at the unconscious Ranko.   
  
Kasumi: Oh, my.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranma woke up. He saw his mother. He remembered that 'he' was a  
she, and decided not to scream. By the time Ranko realized this,  
though, she had already flung her hands over her face in self-  
defence. She looked up sheepishly. Everyone was looking down at  
her. She sat up.  
  
Kasumi: Oh, my. Are you all right, Ranko?  
  
Ranko's eyes glazed slightly as she turned to look at Kasumi.  
  
Ranma-chan: Yes, I think so, Kasumi.  
  
Nabiki: You really are pathetic, Ranko.  
  
Ranma-chan: [angry] Who are you calling pathetic?  
  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow at Ranko.  
  
Nabiki: Who do you think?  
  
Ranma-chan: I think you're calling me pathetic.  
  
Nabiki: [taken aback] Uh...that's right.   
  
Ranma-chan: [angry] HEY! What's going on here? I didn't say  
that!  
  
Ukyou: Are you *sure* you're feeling all right, Ranchan?  
  
Ranma-chan: No, not really.  
  
Nodoka: Perhaps you should lie down for a while. Don't you think  
that would be a good idea?  
  
Ranma-chan: Yeah, I think so.  
  
Nabiki: [to herself] It looks like she's been hypnotized. I  
wonder... [out loud] Ranko, please give me the five hundred  
thousand yen you owe me.  
  
Ranma-chan: WHAT?!? I don't owe you nothing, Nabiki!  
  
Nabiki: [to herself] Well, it's not that. What, then? [to  
Ranko] Whoops, you're right. Sorry about that!  
  
Ranma-chan: You were trying to pull one over me!  
  
Nodoka: Now, girls. Let's not fight.  
  
Nabiki: So what if I was?  
  
Ranma-chan: So that's dishonourable and cruel.  
  
Nabiki: [to herself] Ah-ha, I've got it! Let's see... [out loud]  
how do you feel about me, Ranko?  
  
Ranma-chan: I think you're a greedy, heartless, calculating witch!  
  
Ranko clapped a hand over her mouth, horrified. Her mother was no  
less in shock, for different reasons.  
  
Nodoka: [faintly] Ranko!   
  
Nabiki: [grinning] And how do you feel about Akane's cooking?  
  
Ranma-chan: It's gotta be the worst stuff on earth.  
  
Akane: WHAT?!? HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY COOKING?!?   
  
Akane grabbed for her hammer, which was lying in nearby  
Hammerspace.  
  
Nabiki: And what do you think of Ukyou's cooking?  
  
Ranma-chan: I love it.  
  
Akane: YOU JERK!   
  
Akane proceeded to pummel Ranko to tiny pieces with her mallet.   
Ukyou clasped her hands together in happiness.  
  
Ukyou: Really, Ranchan?   
  
Nabiki: [ignoring Akane] What would you do if I put a cat on your  
head?  
  
Ranma-chan: [being pummelled] Ow! I'd, ow! Scream. Hey! And  
run away. Ouch!  
  
Akane stopped pummelling him, puzzled. Normally the victim of one  
of her assaults was too busy to answer questions.  
  
Nabiki: What did you get on your last exam?  
  
Ranma-chan: A forty-six.  
  
Panda: [sign] "What? You said you got seventy five!"  
  
Akane & Ukyou: [catching on] ...A truth drug?!?  
  
Ukyou: [quickly] Ranchan, how do you feel about me?  
  
Akane: [just as quickly] Ranko, which fiancee do you love the  
most?  
  
Ranma-chan: I love...  
  
Akane and Ukyou leaned closer. Ranko slammed her fist into her  
mouth. To her horror, she could still feel her mouth trying to  
speak around her fist.  
  
Ranma-chan: ...mmprgh mmmph mmhh!  
  
Akane and Ukyou glared at each other.   
  
Ukyou: [slowly, without taking her gaze off Akane] Which one of  
us do you love?  
  
Ukyou grabbed Ranko's hands away from her. Ranko looked at her,  
terrified.   
  
Ranma-chan: [struggling] I love my mother.  
  
Akane and Ukyou: WHAT?  
  
Nabiki: Well, you did say 'us'. Apparently the answer is open to  
interpretation.  
  
Soun: Ranko! Do you love my daughter?  
  
Ranko stuffed her fist back into her mouth and backed away from  
everyone. She was slowly being surrounded.  
  
Ukyou: Ranchan! Who are you going to marry?  
  
Akane: Why don't you like my cooking, Ranko?  
  
Nabiki: What deep, dark secrets do you have that I can blackmail  
you for?  
  
Nodoka: [sharply] STOP IT! Stop it at once!   
  
Mrs. Saotome swept the room with her withering glare.   
  
Nodoka: I'm ashamed of you all! Especially you, Tendo-kun. You  
should know better! Treating Ranko like this when she's in  
such a state, taking advantage of her! Haven't any of you  
considered how she must be feeling about this? Would any of  
you want to be in her place?   
  
She looked Ukyou in the eyes until Ukyou looked away, ashamed. She  
turned to Akane and she in turn dropped her gaze. She looked in  
turn at each person in the room until they turned away.  
  
Nodoka: That's better. Right now, there's only one question that  
needs to be asked. So that you can all understand what you've  
done. [turning to Ranko] Ranko, how do you feel about this?  
  
Ranko started, having foolishly relaxed her defences. Before she  
could stop herself, she answered.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm scared you'll find out my secret.  
  
Nodoka: [startled] Why on earth would you be scared of that?  
  
Akane and Ukyou quickly exchanged looks. Ranko's eyes widened in  
terror.  
  
Ranma-chan: Because you'll make me kill myself if I tell you!   
  
Ranko clapped her hands over her face, but the damage had been  
done. Mrs. Saotome stood up.  
  
Nodoka: WHAT? What on earth are you talking about!?  
  
Ukyou and Akane both grabbed Ranko simultaneously, intending to  
incapacitate him. Unfortunately, this freed up Ranko's mouth.   
Frozen in place, too scared to move, her mouth still worked of its  
own accord.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm Ranma.  
  
Everyone froze.  
  
Nodoka: [faintly] What?  
  
Ranko had tears of frustration and fear flowing freely down her  
cheeks, but she couldn't stop her mouth from forming words.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm your son. I got cursed by these magic springs in  
China and now I turn into a girl. When I get splashed with  
cold water, I become 'Ranko'. Hot water turns me back.  
  
Nodoka: [faintly] Why didn't you tell me?  
  
Ranko gave up on all hope. Her life was flashing before her eyes  
(1).  
  
Ranma-chan: Because you'd make me commit seppuku.  
  
Nodoka: [crying] I don't believe you! Why should I believe you?  
  
Ranko almost sighed, knowing before she opened her mouth what the  
answer was.  
  
Ranma-chan: [despondently] Because I can prove it.  
  
Nodoka: What? How?  
  
Ranko tried to will her mouth closed. It didn't work.  
  
Ranma-chan: I can change back with some hot water...  
  
Akane: [shouting] Ranko, you...you...BAKA!  
  
Everyone turned and looked at Akane.  
  
Akane: You know you're not allowed to touch hot water, you liar!  
  
Everyone just stared at Akane. Akane began to feel nervous under  
the combined stares of the entire room. Ukyou began to get a  
glimmer of comprehension.  
  
Akane: You see, it's...um...doctor's orders. Dr. Tofu said, uh...  
  
Ukyou: [chiming in] That Ranko's got this rare skin disorder,  
called... um...   
  
Ukyou looked pleadingly at Nabiki for help.  
  
Nabiki: Menelo...   
  
Nabiki looked back at Akane.  
  
Akane: ...plasteo...   
  
Akane looked desperately at her father.  
  
Soun: ...um...Brazil?   
  
Everybody facefaulted.  
  
Ukyou: ...itis! Yeah! Meneloplasteobrazilitis! [glaring at Mr.  
Tendo] The uncontrollable urge to scratch oneself all over  
one's body! Hot water makes it go away, but only for a while!   
Then it comes back ten times worse!  
  
Ranko looked up, given new hope. Akane and Ukyou looked at each  
other in pride for a job well done. Nodoka was still in shock.   
She looked, predictably enough, shocked.  
  
Kasumi: [innocently] That's odd, I've never heard of that one.   
Dr. Tofu just lent me a book on rare skin disorders, and it's  
not in there (2).  
  
Everyone except Mrs. Saotome got a bead of sweat on their head.   
They turned their collective gaze to Ranma's mother. Mrs. Saotome  
shook off the stupor she was in and turned to Ranko. Ranko shrunk  
back against Akane. For once, Akane didn't get angry. Nodoka  
opened her mouth. Everyone leaned forward with expectation.  
  
Nodoka: Really, dear...you mustn't! It will only make things  
worse, after all. I'm ashamed of you, Ranko. You should know  
how much I miss my son, and if such a story were true I'd have  
to make him commit seppuku! Do you know what that would do to  
me?  
  
Ranko and her father both turned as white as snow. BEFORE the  
traffic goes over it. Genma held up a sign.  
  
Panda: [sign] "Do you know what that would do to ME?"  
  
Akane: Geez, Ranko. If you had to lie about it, you could at  
least come up with a *believable* lie!  
  
Nabiki: Yeah. [laughing] 'Chinese curse'? Puh-leaze, Ranko!   
Nobody believes in curses today! This is the nineties!  
  
Ukyou: And I can't believe you! That was mean, Ranko!  
  
Soun: Yes, Ranko! You should respect her feelings for her son!  
  
Nabiki: Yeah! That was so cruel of you!  
  
Ryoga walked into the room. He was still dressed as before.   
  
Ryoga: Yes! He's mean, and shortsighted, and evil, and he's got  
THREE fiancees, and--  
  
Everyone got beads of sweat on their heads. Akane turned and  
yelled at Ryoga.  
  
Akane: We're talking about RANKO, you dummy, not RANMA!  
  
Ryoga opened his mouth.   
  
Ryoga: But they're the sa--  
  
Ukyou flattened Ryoga with her spatula.  
  
Ukyou: Don't you DARE say that Ranko is insane!  
  
Nabiki: Don't you have someplace else to be, Ryoga?  
  
Ukyou: [darkly] Like finding a bird of paradise?  
  
Ryoga: [sheepish] I couldn't find my way out.   
  
Ukyou: [fatalistically] I should have known.  
  
Akane: [changing the subject] Uh...yeah. She's sane, all right.   
But a magical curse? What a joke!  
  
Soun: Yes, I agree! Nobody believes in fairy tales any more.   
  
Ryoga: Ha ha! You mean like wizards and demons and ghosts?   
Enchanted animals? Lions and tigers and bears?  
  
Kasumi: Oh, my!  
  
Mr. Saotome was looking rather nervous.   
  
Panda: [sign] "Could we talk about something else?"  
  
Ryoga: Ha ha ha!  
  
Nabiki: Yeah, or talking pigs? Get real!  
  
Ryoga stopped laughing. He turned rather pale and glanced at  
Nabiki nervously. She looked back at him with a straight face. He  
licked his lips. Then he turned back to the group.  
  
Ryoga: Uh...let's not forget about Ranko! After all, it was her  
cruel joke that caused all this, wasn't it? I can't believe  
you put up with her, Akane!   
  
Nodoka turned to look at Ranko...who was still crying. Attacked by  
a dozen emotions at once and too scared to open her mouth again and  
make things worse, she had been sitting and hoping no one would  
notice. When her mother turned to study her, Ranko couldn't stand  
it any more. She stood up shakily and ran past Ryoga, sobbing.  
  
  
(1) This is the equivalent of watching all the episodes of Ranma  
1/2 (including the Japanese ones, which at last count made up over  
128 separate half-hour episodes, not including the OAVs or movies)  
in about thirty seconds. Try it sometime, it's fun.  
  
(2) One wonders what exactly Kasumi does with all this specialized  
and odd medical knowledge. Does it go right in one ear and out the  
other or is there some diabolical plot behind this accumulative  
storehouse of biological trivia? Find out, on the next 'Geraldo'!   
(Yet another reason I'm glad to be a Canadian and not an American  
citizen)  
  
* * *  
  
End of Part Three  



	5. Part Four

* * *  
  
  
Part Four  
  
  
* * *  
  
The sun was setting over Nerima. The sky was slowly turning from  
sky blue high in the sky to a deep navy then to rosy red near the  
cloudline. The clouds themselves were pinkish grey, and you could  
see the convolutions as the colours merged and mixed freely, like  
some heavenly painter's palette. Just above the horizon the sky  
was a dusky orange. As Ranko watched, the colours slowly  
rearranged themselves with the coming of night--a changing of the  
guard, a friendly exchange perhaps, not simply fading but enjoying  
the change. You couldn't help but feel something inside when you  
looked at a sight like that.  
  
It was one of Ranko's favourite times, and right now she was lying  
on the roof of the dojo. She had a few things to sort through her  
mind before she went back downstairs. But she always took time out  
for the sunset when she could. Not too many people could say that.   
It was one of the few times each day she could just relax.   
  
Ranko felt another presence. She didn't hear them, exactly, or see  
anything, but she knew someone was there. Whoever it was, they  
weren't trying to sneak up her, so she ignored them and  
concentrated on the beautiful work of nature before her. As the  
last rays of sun disappeared, she closed her eyes and sighed.   
After a minute, she sat up and looked at the presence.  
  
Nodoka: I hope I'm not intruding...  
  
Ranko gave her mother a faint smile.  
  
Ranma-chan: No...I was just thinking of you.   
  
Nodoka: Would you like to talk about it?  
  
Ranma-chan: [guarded look] Maybe. [look of surprise] Hey! I  
didn't answer truthfully! [realizing what she's just said]   
I mean...  
  
Nodoka: [laughing] I'm glad to hear it. The truth can be  
powerful, but it can easily be misused. [pause] Actually, I  
waited until I thought it would be used up before I came up.  
  
Ranko gave her mother a quick look, then lied back down on the  
roof.  
  
Ranma-chan: In that case, sure.   
  
Mrs. Saotome sat down next to Ranko. After a moment, she shrugged  
and lied down as well.  
  
Nodoka: I wanted to say a few things about tonight...I guess, most  
importantly, I'm not angry with you.  
  
Ranma-chan: You're not?  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled, though Ranko couldn't see it.  
  
Nodoka: No. I just wish I *could* see Ranma and my husband. You  
did hit a little close to home.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm sorry...  
  
Nodoka: Second...I think tonight proved something to me. You  
really *do* have to get in touch with your feminine side.  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? What d'you mean?  
  
Nodoka: You have to learn control. You have a lot of strong  
emotions, but you don't know how to control them. Sometimes  
you keep them bottled up, and you end up hurting other people.   
Sometimes, you let them out, and they end up lashing at  
people.   
  
Ranma-chan: But that doesn't leave anything!  
  
Nodoka: Really? Try letting them out naturally. Find the middle  
path.   
  
Ranma-chan: Like that Taoist stuff from China (1)?  
  
Mrs. Saotome sighed.  
  
Nodoka: Actually, yes. But you don't have to follow Tao te Ching  
to have a healthy outlook on life. Just remember, you don't  
have to let someone know how you feel--but it helps,  
especially if you're trying to establish a relationship with  
them.   
  
Ranma-chan: Whenever I do that, Akane tries to kill me!  
  
Nodoka: There's a difference between how you feel about something  
and how you feel about somebody, Ranko. It's not always best  
to tell someone how you feel about something, especially if  
you don't know them very well.   
  
Ranma-chan: [frustrated] So you're telling me to not say  
anything?  
  
Nodoka: Oh, no. You should *always* give your feelings life,  
Ranko. Somehow. Tell a friend, or someone you love.   
  
Ranma-chan: But I--  
  
Nodoka: You can tell the kami (2) if you've no one else. The  
trees make good listeners. If you're unhappy deal with it,  
don't just pretend it doesn't matter or it's not real. It's  
real to you, isn't it?  
  
Ranma-chan: Who says I ain't happy?  
  
Nodoka: Ranko dear...what was that I was saying about not  
pretending it doesn't exist?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...  
  
Nodoka: Good. Just remember not to let it rule you, either.  
  
Ranma-chan: Nobody rules me! Wait...  
  
Nodoka: You should always admit you're sad and do something about  
it. But some people spend all their time trying to deal with  
their sadness. If they were walking and talking and working  
normally, they might notice they're not sad anymore. But  
because they're wrapped up in their own feelings, they never  
give them a chance to leave.  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled again.  
  
Nodoka: It's not easy to learn, I know. But it's worth it. I  
think you should find your feminine half, your 'anima'. Until  
you do, you'll never really understand your whole self, Ranko.  
  
Ranma-chan: My anime? Like Sailor Moon?  
  
Nodoka: No, no. 'Anima'. The female part of the soul. Everyone  
has an anima and an animus, the male part. Everyone, male or  
female. But some people listen to one side more than the  
other.  
  
Ranma-chan: Kind of like yin and yang?  
  
Nodoka: A lot like it, yes. The balance is very important. Too  
much of one can be too much.  
  
Ranma-chan: So where does anime come in then?  
  
Nodoka: [surprised] What?  
  
Ranma-chan: You know...anima, animus, anime?  
  
Nodoka: [getting frustrated] Ranko, anime has nothing to do with  
this! Anime are just silly cartoons for children! It has  
nothing to do with philosophy--let alone real life!  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh.   
  
Mrs. Saotome took a deep breath. Why was she getting so upset over  
something childish like anime anyways? It wasn't like she had  
anything to do with anime. No, she was just a bit upset that Ranko  
seemed to be fighting her. Or maybe she was just having trouble  
with a concept no one had ever bothered to tell her about before.   
Again, Nodoka wondered about Ranko's mother. What kind of woman  
had she been? When had she died? And what did Ranko think of her?  
  
Mrs. Saotome calmed down quickly.   
  
Nodoka: Third...well, I noticed something else, too.  
  
Ranma-chan: What's that, auntie Saotome?  
  
Nodoka: You're in love with Ryoga, aren't you?  
  
Ranko choked.  
  
  
(1) Taoism (pronounced "dah-oh-ism") is one of China's three main  
teachings--more of a philosophy than a religion. The "Tao te  
Ching," one of their main books, teaches calmness and happiness  
under any conditions. Taoism is a religion I can respect  
wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever learn to  
relax..."just give me the coffee, and no one gets hurt," that's my  
motto. If you're interested, Benjamin Hoff once wrote a fantastic  
book to explain Taoism to westerners, called 'The Tao of Pooh'  
(yep, Winnie the Pooh). It's for adults in case you were  
wondering, and it's well worth reading.  
  
(2) 'Kami' = spirit. Shinto, the Japanese official religion,  
teaches that every living thing, and many non-living works of  
nature, are filled with their own spirits, just as humans are. The  
spirits of trees, rocks, even oceans and volcanoes are all around  
you if you know how to look.  
  
* * *  
  
Three tourists driving down a familiar street in Nerima looked up.   
  
First Tourist: Look--Japanese women lying on the root!  
  
Second Tourist: Hey, you're right...I wonder why. Ancient  
Japanese custom, perhaps?  
  
First Tourist: Maybe it helps them live longer.  
  
Third Tourist: Ah, the mysteries of the East!  
  
All three tourists took out cameras and snapped pictures before  
driving on.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko sat up and looked at her mother with no small amount of  
shock.  
  
Ranma-chan: What in the world makes you think that I'm in love  
with RYOGA?? Where did you get such a crazy idea?  
  
Nodoka: In the dojo this morning...but you've always acted  
strangely around him. You don't react like that--that  
strongly I mean--to anyone else--even me. When he challenged  
Ranma, or tonight when he insulted you...well, you just seemed  
to react more than you had to. And I can tell that Ukyou,  
Akane and Shampoo are trying to help you.   
  
Ranma-chan: [incredulous] They are?  
  
Nodoka: [nodding] Un. They're always so nice to him, but I can  
tell they're not really interested in him. And they keep  
bringing your name up with him. Not to worry, though. I'm  
going to help you catch him.  
  
Ranma-chan: [weakly] Nani (1)?  
  
Nodoka: [beaming] Absolutely! We can go buy some new clothing  
for you tomorrow! And that's just the start. There's a walk,  
a way of talking, of eating, that just screams "look at me" to  
the other sex. I'm not sure why, but they notice--without  
realizing what they're noticing!   
  
Ranma-chan: But I don't *want* to get him interested in me!  
  
Mrs. Saotome gave her a knowing smile.  
  
Nodoka: Of course, dear. Well, it won't be for him then. But  
you're going to need to know for *someone* in your life,  
aren't you?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, well...  
  
Nodoka: [cutting her off] Good. We'll go shopping tomorrow.   
I'll show you how I caught my husband, Ranma's father.  
  
Ranko tried to picture that. She laughed.  
  
Ranma-chan: Sure. [remembering something] Um...  
  
Nodoka: Yes, Ranko?  
  
Ranma-chan: About tonight...  
  
Nodoka: Yes?  
  
Ranma-chan: [sweating] It's almost time for bed...  
  
Nodoka: [laughs] Don't worry, Ranko. If you don't want to sleep  
with me, it's quite all right.   
  
Ranma-chan: [relieved] How did you know?  
  
Nodoka: You keep asking me that. When you know what the answer  
is, I'll tell you.  
  
Ranma-chan: But that doesn't make any sense!  
  
Nodoka: Ranko?  
  
Ranma-chan: Yes, mom--I mean, auntie?   
  
Ranko blushed at her slip. Mrs. Saotome hadn't seemed to notice,  
though.   
  
Nodoka: I have to ask you a question. I hope you won't be  
offended.  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, sure.  
  
Nodoka: I've noticed that you and my son are quite close. In  
fact, he seems to be closer to you than anyone else, and vice  
versa.   
  
Ranma-chan: Yeah, well...  
  
Nodoka: Well...you're not part of the Tendo family, really...but  
you could be.  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh?  
  
Nodoka: Are you...[blushing]...interested in my son?  
  
Ranma-chan: [shrieking] WHAT?!  
  
Nodoka: [still blushing] I'm sorry, Ranko, but I had to ask.   
[Ranko is still looking faintly horrified] He really does  
mean that much to you then? I wonder...  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked up into the night sky.   
  
Nodoka: Look, the first star of night! When I was a little girl,  
my mother used to watch the stars come out with me. She said  
that if I wished hard enough when I saw the first star of the  
evening, my wish would come true.  
  
Both mother and son fall silent and watched as the stars unfolded  
before them. They each sent a silent wish out to the stars that  
only they could hear.  
  
  
(1) 'Nani' = what?   
  
* * *  
  
In some places like Nerima, night was falling. In others, day was  
breaking. Such as a desert where a lone man herded goats. This  
particular man was looking at the horizon. He saw something and  
smiled. He waited patiently as Ryoga made his way up the hill.  
  
Ryoga: Hello...  
  
Man: Welcome, welcome! It's been a while! I went down to town  
and bought a few things you might be needing. I also told my  
wife and daughter about you. They were quite impressed with  
a young man who can survive in the wilderness like you.   
  
Ryoga: [taken aback] Oh.  
  
Man: Well, let's see...I have a compass for you somewhere...and a  
relief map of the area...an atlas...a canteen of water, some  
travel rations...and an instant camera so you can photograph  
the places you visit...  
  
Ryoga: You mean this isn't Tokyo?  
  
The man facefaulted. He decided ignorance was bliss.  
  
Man: [recovering] I looked up the Tendo dojo in the Japanese  
registry, and I have coordinates for it; I have their phone  
number and postal code...and I wrote down "Where is the Tendo  
Dojo, Nerima, Japan?" in seventeen different languages so you  
can ask directions!  
  
Ryoga: [still taken aback] That's very nice of you, er...  
  
Man: Mahmud.   
  
Ryoga: Mahmud. [opening his pack] Is there anything I can give  
you in return?   
  
He pulls out several strange objects. Among them is a torcus  
shaped donut with pink fibres in its centre, a ring with long  
spikes hanging from it, the Holy Grail, the One Ring, and a copy of  
the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And, of course, a towel (1).   
  
Man: What's that...disc thing?  
  
Ryoga: [picks up the donut] Oh, this? I don't know...I just  
found it someplace. In Japan, I think. I don't know what it  
does...I'll probably just throw it away in some junk heap  
somewhere. [he shrugs. We see that he is wearing gloves, so  
that his bare skin is never touching it (2)]  
  
Man: Oh. Well, anyways...I have now done my best. May you find  
the Tendo dojo, my friend! Good luck!  
  
Ryoga: Oh, I've already been there.  
  
Man: WHAT?  
  
Ryoga: I'm looking for a bird of paradise now.  
  
Man: ...  
  
Ryoga: Would you happen to know where I could find one?  
  
Man: OUT! GET OUT! ...and take your backpack with you. Bah.   
Stupid foreigners.   
  
  
(1) Why a towel? Foolish human, always know where your towel is.   
  
(2) If you need a bigger hint than that, read 'Guyver'.  
  
* * *  
  
Nabiki came downstairs, yawning hugely. She was still in her  
nightgown. Akane was watching Kimagure Orange Road on TV.   
  
Nabiki: Hey, Akane!  
  
Akane: Oh, good morning, Nabiki.   
  
Nabiki: Where's Ranma and his mother? Not to mention Ukyou and  
Shampoo? I haven't heard anything break this morning.  
  
Akane: [still irritated] Shampoo isn't coming around here for a  
while ever since I installed the sprinkler system. [more  
thoughtfully] Ukyou says she can't afford to close her  
restaurant for two weeks, so since Mrs. Saotome's out today,  
she's working. And Mrs. Saotome and Ranma left early.   
They're going shopping, apparently. Aunt Saotome said not to  
wait up.  
  
Nabiki: Really? I wonder if I can get in on that...  
  
Akane: Don't you dare, Nabiki! Ranko actually *asked* me not to  
come along when Mrs. Saotome invited me along!  
  
Nabiki: And you didn't kill him?  
  
Akane: [flustered] Well...I mean...he didn't say it like *that*.   
It's just...well, it's time alone with his mom. He doesn't  
care about her buying dresses or anything for him, after all.  
  
Nabiki: My point exactly. That money should be going to someone  
who can use it.   
  
Akane: Like you?  
  
Nabiki: [sweetly] Naturally. [normally] Are you sure Ranma  
wasn't being forced against his will?  
  
Akane: Well...he...she...didn't look *happy*, exactly. But she  
didn't look like she was going to her doom, either. But he  
was nice about asking.  
  
Nabiki: My point exactly, Akane. Since when is Ranma nice?  
  
Just then, the door opened and Kuno ran in, reaching Akane in a  
split second. Kuno thrust a bouquet of roses into her surprised  
hands as he wept happily.  
  
Kuno: Oh, happy day! If the words that have reached mine own ears  
have not deceived me, the evil sorcerer Ranma Saotome has fled  
my wrath! At long last, the fair Akane Tendo and the  
beauteous yet mysterious pig-tailed girl shall be free to vent  
their true feelings for me!  
  
Akane: [recovering somewhat] Vent THIS, Kuno!   
  
Akane flattened Kuno's face with her fist.   
  
Kuno: [muffled by a fist] It appears that the vile conjurer's  
enchantment is not yet broken. [normally] And yet I know of  
a cure for such enslaving powers! Truly, 'tis said in legend  
and lore, that to break a spell over an innocent maid, the  
method of choice is a kiss, which by virtue of the love behind  
it, shatters all such bonds of spirit like a blade shatters  
wood!   
  
Akane: Kuno?  
  
Kuno gazed up at Akane.  
  
Kuno: Yes, my love?  
  
Akane: If you lay your lips on me I will rip them from your face  
and feed them to you.  
  
Kuno: You say this now, my love, whilst underneath the nefarious  
charms of the sinful hypnotist Saotome! Yet his base  
conjurations will be as dust once I, Tatewake Kuno, am through  
with the ignoble Saotome! His base plans will be finished,  
his low conceptions ended, his odious schemes disrupted and  
his foul ambitions eradicated!   
  
Nabiki: Say, Kuno-baby?  
  
Kuno turned his head the slightest amount needed to look at Nabiki.  
  
Kuno: Yes, Nabiki Tendo?  
  
Nabiki: Are you using a thesaurus to come up with all those  
synonyms?  
  
Kuno touched one of his hands to his locks modestly.  
  
Kuno: 'Tis a gift the Kuno clan has held for some time now, this  
genius for words.   
  
Nabiki: Oh. I was going to suggest a better one.  
  
Kuno: [irritated] What is your point, Nabiki?  
  
Nabiki: My point is, I know where the pig-tailed girl is.  
  
Kuno: Verily? Then speak, sister to the wonderful Akane!   
  
Nabiki: Ahem.  
  
Kuno: How much?  
  
Akane: HEY!  
  
Kuno and Nabiki both look at her.  
  
Akane: Aren't you forgetting someone?  
  
Kuno: Never, my love! 'Tis but the duty of the Samurai to free  
*all* those who suffer under the bonds of magic and depravity!  
  
Nabiki: You *want* Kuno to notice you?  
  
Kuno: [irritated] I heard that, Nabiki Tendo.  
  
Akane threw her hands into the air in disgust.  
  
Akane: Oh, never mind.  
  
Nabiki: Five thousand yen, Kuno-baby.  
  
Kuno: What? The gods weep at such a price, Nabiki Tendo!  
  
Nabiki shrugged.  
  
Nabiki: Your loss. Of course, she *is* out with Saotome-san right  
now.  
  
Kuno: WHAAAT? The demure, maidenly pig-tailed girl on a date with  
Saotome?!  
  
Nabiki: [tartly] You heard what I said.  
  
Kuno: This I swear! Saotome shall pay for his misdeeds! [pulling  
out his wallet] Five thousand yen. Now where is the vile  
miscreant hiding?  
  
Nabiki: They're out shopping.   
  
Kuno: [incredulously] Five thousand yen for that?   
  
Nabiki: [in a tone of wonder] You know what? You're right.  
  
Kuno: [smirks] I thought so.  
  
Nabiki: Ten thousand yen.  
  
Kuno: WHAT?  
  
Nabiki: [very slowly, as if talking to an infant] Ten...  
thousand...yen.  
  
Kuno: For what?  
  
Nabiki: For me not telling your pig-tailed girl that you saw me in  
my nightgown.   
  
Kuno looked at Nabiki closely for the first time. He realized  
that, in fact, she was in her nightclothes.   
  
Kuno: Urk! I mean...very well, for even the pure and innocent  
such as my love, the sweet pig-tailed girl could misconstrue  
my pure intentions to read such pervertedness as a Saotome by  
your twisted words, Nabiki Tendo! Five thousand yen more to  
your silence!  
  
Nabiki: Ahem.  
  
Kuno: Now what?  
  
Nabiki: I *said*, ten thousand yen.  
  
Kuno: I gave you ten thousand yen!  
  
Nabiki: No, you gave me five thousand. Plus five thousand for the  
information.  
  
Kuno: [angrily] You shall surely come to an untimely end, Nabiki  
Tendo.  
  
Nabiki: [sarcastically] I'm *so* scared.  
  
Kuno: Five thousand yen...there! Now, before you bankrupt the  
Kuno fortune, I shall fly to the defence of my love!  
  
Nabiki: Bye-bye, Kuno-baby.  
  
Kuno turned to leave. Just as he began to walk forward, though, he  
turned back and took Akane's hands once more.  
  
Kuno: But wait! How can I abandon my love, the athletic Akane?   
To leave her unguarded in this place could invite the sorcerer  
in once he learns of my coming and flees! I must protect you,  
oh fair maiden, from the clutches of this madman!   
  
Kuno staggered to his knees under the weight of his dilemma.   
  
Kuno: But...the pig-tailed one! So sweet, so innocent...and  
already in his clutches. How can I leave her to such a fate?  
Truly the fates are unkind! I must give up the one to save  
the other! Yet I cannot choose! How can I leave either--  
  
Akane kicked Kuno out the door and slammed it in his face.   
  
Akane: [shouting] There! That should make your decision easier!  
  
Nabiki: You're not in a good mood today, are you?  
  
Akane: You're one to talk! You lied to him, Nabiki!  
  
Nabiki: Moi? I said that the pig-tailed girl was out with  
Saotome-san, which she is. I didn't say *which* Saotome, and  
Kuno didn't ask. Besides, it would've cost him.   
  
Nabiki smiled to herself. Akane went back to the TV.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko and her mother were shopping in the Ginza district. Ranko  
found that much to her disbelief, she was enjoying herself. Rather  
than the dull, boring day she had envisioned it was more like a  
game between friends. The two Saotome females were chatting like  
old friends, poking fun of each other and trying on absurd outfits.  
  
They shared private jokes at the expense of the shopkeepers and  
swapped stories about their reactions afterwards. In fact, Ranko  
found the whole thing quite invirogating, despite the three bags  
she was now carrying. The weather was clear and sunny and as the  
lazy sunday morning wore on, Ranko realized that she was having a  
wonderful time. She looked fondly at her mother.  
  
Mrs. Saotome was looking in a store's window display pointing at a  
particularly risque dress and commenting on Ranko's colours. A few  
hours ago, Ranko would have been horrified at the idea, but she was  
getting used to it.  
  
Nodoka: [joking] What do you think? Too conservative?  
  
Ranma-chan: [laughing] Auntie Saotome! You're supposed to be a  
*good* influence on me!  
  
Ranko was surprised at how fast she had accepted her role as Ranko  
to her mother. And she was a little suspicious of how much fun she  
was having already. But she didn't let it bother her. Nothing was  
going to spoil this moment for Ranko.   
  
Then Kuno showed up.   
  
Kuno ran up to Ranko, his arms outstretched towards her.  
  
Kuno: Pig-tailed girl! I love y--WHAM  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked back at Ranko, who was standing in the street  
with one arm outstretched, as if to punch someone. There was no  
one there. She blinked.  
  
Nodoka: Did you say something, dear?  
  
Ranko turned and smiled at her mother.  
  
Ranma-chan: Nope!  
  
The two continued lazily down the street, where an ice-cream store  
was calling their names. Down below in the river, Tatewake Kuno  
floated by, unconscious. Two old men were fishing on the shore as  
Kuno passed them.  
  
First Old Man: Look at that!  
  
Second Old Man: Disgusting. They'll dump anything into the rivers  
these days. When I was a boy they kept the water clean.  
  
* * *  
  
Mousse was not having a good day. Having been tossed out of the  
Tendo dojo, it had taken him almost the entire night to find his  
way back to the Nekohanten in duck form. Luckily, he kept a spare  
pair of glasses hidden there. If Cologne hadn't simply thrown out  
all of his possessions for not showing up for work. Or Shampoo  
hadn't found them and used them for target practice. And he  
*still* hadn't gotten any hot water.   
  
So intent was Mousse on his troubles that he didn't notice the car  
that hit him.  
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome sat down. Ranko was already staring at the mountain  
of ice cream in between the two of them. It was twelve scoops of  
ice cream, each a different flavour, topped with three sauces, two  
cherries, three kinds of nuts and (of course) two spoons. Ranko  
felt her mouth beginning to slaver in anticipation. Still, one  
thing stopped her. She looked at her mother for a moment in  
apprehension.  
  
Ranma-chan: [doubtful] Are you *sure* this is okay? I mean,  
don't girls have to watch their weight or something?  
  
Nodoka: [conspiratorially] Do *you* see anybody watching?  
  
Ranma-chan: [catching on] Nope!  
  
Mrs. Saotome giggled and got out her spoon. Ranko was already  
digging in.  
  
* * *  
  
Mousse woke up. It took him a few moments to realize what had  
happened, and then a few more to figure out where he was. It was  
slightly more difficult than normal, after all, when one is hanging  
tied up from the ceiling. Next to several other chickens and  
ducks, some plucked and some not. Mousse quacked in fear. Looking  
around, he saw shapes down below him...whites, and beiges, and  
orange... cheese! He realized he must be in a deli. That set him  
off to quacking again. What kind of person brought roadkill into a  
deli? For that matter, didn't they stop to check if he was still  
alive? Mousse quacked in anger. Still, no one seemed to notice.   
Maybe it was their lunch break. Mousse sagged.   
  
Then he realized he was hanging next to a window! And through that  
window he could see...shapes! Well, that was pretty much  
guaranteed from the beginning. But these shapes were moving! And  
that could only mean one thing...people! Mousse started to rock  
back and forth, until his beak touched the glass, tapping it, and  
then he swung back...  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko sat back in her chair. She had never, ever, in her whole  
entire life felt more stuffed. Despite her mother's protestations,  
Mrs. Saotome hadn't eaten more than two scoops of the whole thing.   
Ranko had scarfed down the rest of it. If she had to eat another  
bite, she'd burst. She just knew it.   
  
Ranko heard a faint tapping from the window beside her. The ice-  
cream parlour was next to a delicatessen, and there was just a  
glass pane separating the two, perhaps to entice viewers into  
buying lunch meats. Ranko wasn't sure. She looked at the window  
oddly, but couldn't see anyone there. She shrugged and turned  
back.   
  
tap!  
  
Ranko turned around again. That was strange. She was *sure* she  
had heard a noise that time...maybe it came from eating too much  
ice cream?   
  
tap!   
  
That did it. Ranko was sure, this time. She walked over to the  
glass. There was a duck, tied up and hanging from the ceiling. It  
was swinging back and forth on it's string. It opened its mouth in  
a silent quack. Ranko giggled at it. The duck seemed to go into  
paroxysms. She laughed at it some more.   
  
Nodoka: Ranko? I've paid for the...Ranko? Where did you run off  
to? [walking up to Ranko] Oh, there you are! What are you  
looking at? [seeing the duck] Good heavens! Don't tell me  
you're hungry after all that?  
  
Ranko turned to her mother.  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh, no, auntie! I just...  
  
Nodoka: Well, then dear, let's be off. The world awaits!   
  
The two left the parlour behind.   
  
Mousse glared at their retreating backs. He couldn't recognize the  
large blur, but for a moment, when the smaller blur had leaned in  
close to the glass, he had made out a face. The face of Ranma  
Saotome!  
  
Duck: Quack! [translation: "Saotome, you will pay! You will  
PAY!!"]  
  
* * *  
  
As the sun reached its apex high overhead, Ranko had already  
reached hers. Hours ago. And she was slowly winding down.   
Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She  
glanced at her mother out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't  
let her see her frown. She smiled a little bit forcefully. Then  
she remembered something. Today was Sunday. She had school  
tomorrow. But she couldn't go to school as a girl. And her  
dragon's hair seal had been taken away by her mother. Ranko  
cleared her throat.  
  
Ranma-chan: Say, um, auntie?  
  
Nodoka: Yes, Ranko dear?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, I was just wondering...er...what you did with the  
tie I had for my pig-tail...  
  
Nodoka: That thing? It was getting a bit old, so I threw it out.  
  
Ranma-chan: WHAAAAAT?  
  
Nodoka: [smiling] But not to worry! I bought you a new one! But  
I really *do* think you look *much* prettier like this, dear!   
You should give it some thought!  
  
Ranma-chan: ...  
  
Ranko felt her life as a male slipping away from her. Then she  
shook the feeling off. She was Ranma Saotome! Well, actually,  
right now she was Ranko Tendo. But she could do anything! Yeah!   
All she had to do was dig through a few dozen bags of household  
garbage before 7 a.m. tomorrow morning! No problem. Really. She  
forced a smile on her face.   
  
Then the problem hit her. That was it! That was what was wrong--  
she had been trying to please her mother so much...the strain was  
beginning to tell on her. Smiling and laughing can be fun, but it  
can also be taxing when you're not in the mood for it, or when  
you're nervous about something.   
  
Well...it *had* been fun, some of it. And she liked being with her  
mother. But at the same time...it wasn't how Ranma wanted to be  
with her--as mother and son. Ranko sighed unhappily. She wasn't  
sure how much more of this she could take. She was riding an  
emotional roller coaster, and the ups and downs were coming much  
too quickly for her to absorb. She looked back up at her mother  
guiltily, realizing she had sighed aloud. She resolved to smile  
more. Her mother couldn't be convinced that it was her own  
presence that was depressing Ranko. Her smile looked slightly  
forced. She swore, if *one* more thing happened today...  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHOHO! OHOHOHO! So, my dear, at last I have found  
you!   
  
With an insane laugh, Kodachi landed on one foot in front of the  
two. She paused in that position to laugh her head off. She was  
dressed only in a leotard, which struck some as odd, considering it  
was autumn. Others didn't think twice about it; these were the  
people who knew Kodachi, by experience or reputation. They saw her  
and quickly left the scene before they could get covered in black  
petals.  
  
Ranko put her head into her hands.  
  
Ranko: What have I done to deserve this?  
  
Nodoka: [confused] Excuse me, but do you mean me?  
  
Kodachi looked at Mrs. Saotome as a horse looks at a fly. That is,  
as an irritant. She responded patronizingly to Mrs. Saotome.  
  
Kodachi: Not you, foolish woman--the wicked girl! [to Ranko] I  
am here to free my darling Ranma! Sasuke tells me he hasn't  
been able to find hide nor hair of my love since Wednesday!   
Tell me where you have hidden him, and I might let you live!   
OHOHOHO! OHOHOHO!  
  
Nodoka: [gasping] *Your* Ranma?  
  
Ranma-chan: [shaking her head] No...I don't believe this...  
  
Kodachi: Wretch! Dare you speak to the Black Rose in that tone?   
I will have to...[pause]...to...[pause]...oh, dear.   
  
Ranko peeked out between her fingers.  
  
Ranma-chan: What?  
  
Kodachi: You're not the pig-tailed wench, are you? How odd...I  
was *sure* if I followed my brother, he would lead me to  
her...oops! Silly me!  
  
Kodachi covered her mouth demurely as she laughed, which did  
nothing to make her look or sound any more demure than, say, a  
bunch of fear-crazed apes attacking a mack truck. On drugs.  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Excuse me, I must be off! OHOHOHOHO!  
  
Kodachi bounded onto a building and was quickly out of sight. The  
only evidence of her passing were the hundreds of black rose petals  
that now graced the clothing of Ranko and her mother. Not to  
mention the ground, the cars, the buildings, and the occasional  
passerby. Mrs. Saotome stood there, stunned. This was the normal  
reaction for most people upon their first meeting with Kodachi  
Kuno. Actually, this was the normal reaction for most people upon  
*any* meeting with Kodachi. Kodachi made that kind of impression  
on people.  
  
Ranko looked around with no little confusion.  
  
Ranma-chan: Weird...I wonder why...  
  
Inspiration struck her and she put her fist into the palm of her  
other hand with a smack.  
  
Ranma-chan: Of course! I'm not the 'pig-tailed girl' anymore,  
without pig-tails!   
  
Ranko laughed happily, as if freed from some heavy burden weighing  
on her.  
  
Kuno ran up to her.  
  
Kuno: PIG-TAILED GIR--THWACK--ugh.  
  
Ranko watched as he fell down into the river again with a splash.  
  
Ranma-chan: [sighing] He must be too stupid to let it affect him.   
  
Nodoka: Ranko! Kicking boys into the sewer system is  
reprehensible! Although apt. [shaking her head] That was  
completely uncalled for! Speaking of which, what *was* that?  
  
Ranma-chan: [looking up guiltily] Uh, what do you mean, what was  
that?  
  
Nodoka: That...girl, and that boy...  
  
Ranma-chan: [a bit down] It could take a while.  
  
Nodoka: I have time.  
  
Ranma-chan: [seeing no way out of it] ...Okay. It all started  
when I got to Furinken High...and there was this guy,  
upperclassman Kuno, who had this thing for Akane...  
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga was wandering. As usual. Funny, Saudi Arabia looked a lot  
like Japan. For that matter, a lot of places did. Even the signs  
were in kanji. He sighed. He'd never get to Japan if he didn't  
hurry. His stomach took that moment to growl at him. He looked  
around for someplace to eat. There was a deli just across the  
street from him. He looked in the window. It all looked good.   
But he didn't have any money for food. He needed all his  
for...then he noticed something. One of the birds hanging from the  
ceiling was moving--almost like it recognized him and was trying to  
catch his attention!  
  
Ryoga had a quick laugh about that.   
  
Then he remembered his quest: The bird of paradise. Ryoga wasn't  
sure what a bird of paradise looked like, actually. Maybe they had  
one in there, or at least a picture of one. It couldn't hurt to  
ask. He walked into the store.   
  
Man: Can I help you, sir?  
  
Ryoga: I want to buy a feather.  
  
Man: Pardon me?  
  
Ryoga: I need a feather.  
  
Man: A feather?  
  
Ryoga: From a bird of paradise. Do you have any?  
  
The shopkeeper looked at Ryoga. He realized someone was playing a  
trick on him. He shrugged and decided to play along.  
  
Man: Ah...why, yes! [pulling out Mousse] This is one right here!  
But you have to buy the whole thing!  
  
Ryoga: Oh...[fumbling with his change] How much?  
  
The shopkeeper smiled thinly.  
  
Man: It's your lucky day! We have a special on bird of paradise  
today, just two thousand yen per pound...  
  
Ryoga looked at the money in his hand. He looked up at the  
shopkeeper.  
  
Ryoga: Could I just get a wing or something?  
  
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "NO! NO! NO! Somebody, anybody,  
HELP!"]  
  
* * *  
  
Cut to a restaurant, where Ranko is just finishing both a sukiyaki  
lunch and her story.  
  
Ranma-chan: ...So then Kodachi came and gave me flowers for Ranma,  
saying she had a completely *new* passion for him! And that's  
about it. She's never given up on Ranma since. And Kuno's  
never given up on me.  
  
Nodoka: Remarkable...perhaps I was too hasty in thinking you  
couldn't catch a boy.   
  
Ranma-chan: AUNTIE!  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled at Ranko mischievously.  
  
Nodoka: Just kidding, dear. It must be terrible with those two  
after you. And it's nice to see you sticking up for Ranma.   
I hope he appreciates the hard work you do for him.  
  
Ranma-chan: [under her breath] Oh, you bet.  
  
Mrs. Saotome checked her watch.   
  
Nodoka: Well...it's about three now. We still have the whole  
afternoon to get your ears pierced...and I think a picnic  
dinner would be a perfect end to the evening...say, in Nerima  
park. It's a wonderful place; I often go there when I'm  
thinking of Ranma.   
  
Ranko slumped a bit. She still needed a few hours to sort through  
the garbage, and she *still* hadn't gotten a full night's sleep  
since her mother had gotten here. If she couldn't get some time to  
herself before tonight, she'd be a living zombie in class tomorrow.  
And she had a chem exam first class!  
  
Ranma-chan: Ahhh...Auntie Saotome...if it's not a bother...  
um...I'd rather just go home.   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko with a wounded expression. Ranko  
hurriedly backpedalled.  
  
Ranma-chan: I mean...I'm having fun and all, but...I'm getting  
tired.  
  
Nodoka: Well...if you say so, dear. We can go home and talk...  
  
Ranma-chan: NO! [blushing] I mean...  
  
Nodoka: [chagrined] I see.  
  
Ranma-chan: It's not like that!  
  
Mrs. Saotome sighed.  
  
Nodoka: I'm sorry, dear. I guess I *have* been monopolizing your  
time since I got here. Well, why don't you go on home then.   
I'll...take a walk. [smiling sadly] After all, I'll be here  
until Kasumi gets better.   
  
Ranma-chan: But I...  
  
Nodoka: [smiling] No need to explain, dear. I'll see you later.   
  
Ranma's mother left, leaving Ranko standing confused and  
frustrated.  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh man...I can't take this any more.   
  
Voice-over of Nodoka: ...After all, I'll be here until Kasumi gets  
better.  
  
Ranma-chan: Argh! It's only been four days! It feels like a  
year... Hey! Until she gets better? Dr. Tofu!  
  
Ranko ran out of the restaurant.   
  
* * *  
  
Two old ladies watched as Ranko passed them running.  
  
First Old Lady: Say, didn't that girl go inside with a woman? The  
one in the kimono? They probably had a fight. Interesting.  
  
Second Old Lady: You want interesting? Why, just this week, I was  
in a restaurant when a duck wandered in! The waiter tripped  
on the poor thing, and suddenly a boy appeared, stark naked!  
  
Second Old Lady: No! What did you do?  
  
First Old Lady: Me and the girls thrashed the pervert. He ran off  
screaming, never to be seen from again.  
  
Second Old Lady: How odd...nothing like that ever happens to me.   
[sighing] Now, if I could just get that ingrate grandson of  
mine, Yusaku, to take me in again...  
  
* * *  
  
Dr. Tofu was just finishing up with his last client of the day when  
the door of his clinic burst open and Ranko came running through.   
  
Dr. Tofu: ...and remember, stay away from throwing any more desks  
or you'll put your shoulder out again! Even at Ataru!  
  
Girl: Yes, doctor.   
  
Shinobu stood up and left, glancing at Ranko as she left with a  
puzzled expression.  
  
Dr. Tofu: Now, what can I do for...Ranma! How's it going?  
  
Ranma-chan: Until mom leaves it's 'Ranko', Dr. Tofu.   
  
Dr. Tofu: Oh yes, your mother! You must be happy to have such a  
wonderful woman as your parent.  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, yeah...actually, I wanted to speak to you about  
Kasumi.  
  
Dr. Tofu's glasses noticeably fogged up.  
  
Dr. Tofu: Ka-kasumi?   
  
Ranma-chan: Oh, no...c'mon, snap out of it, doc!   
  
Ranko slapped Dr. Tofu. Dr. Tofu ignored her and turned to talk  
to, apparently, Betty, his skeleton.  
  
Dr. Tofu: And what seems to be the problem with her, Ranma?  
  
Ranma-chan: [desperately] Her ankle! Her ankle!  
  
Dr. Tofu: Oh, really? I'd better have a look at it, then.   
  
Ranma-chan: You already did!  
  
Dr. Tofu: Did I? What did I say?  
  
Ranma-chan: AARGH!   
  
Ranko grabbed Dr. Tofu by the shirt and turned him around.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm over here!  
  
Dr. Tofu: Oh, sorry about that, Ranma. You were asking me  
something?  
  
Ranma-chan: [relieved] Yes...I wanted to know if there's anything  
you can do to speed up her recovery.  
  
Dr. Tofu: [frowning] Not really, Ranma. It's the type of injury  
that takes time to heal...  
  
Ranma-chan: [downcast] Oh. So, another week and a half then...  
  
Dr. Tofu: [sharply] What? Who told you that, Ranma?  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? Uh, you did, doctor...  
  
Dr. Tofu: How odd. I wonder what I was thinking. No, her type of  
injury will take at least three weeks to heal properly!  
  
Ranma-chan: [horrified] THREE WEEKS?  
  
Dr. Tofu: [nodding] At least.  
  
Ranma-chan: What am I gonna do? I can't last three weeks!  
  
Ranko noticed Dr. Tofu looking at her oddly. She was getting a lot  
of that recently.   
  
Ranma-chan: Well, thanks anyways. Be seeing you, doctor!   
  
Ranko ran out past her father, who was sweeping the floor.  
  
Dr. Tofu: [to Mr. Saotome] What an odd girl. Don't you think so,  
Betty?  
  
Panda: Growf.  
  
Dr. Tofu: I wonder why she was asking about Shinobu's arm?  
  
Panda: Growf.  
  
As Dr. Tofu walked back into his clinic, he hit his head on the  
door frame. His glasses fell to the ground. They were still  
fogged up.  
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga sat over his campfire, ready for an early dinner. He was  
boiling water for instant ramen. He had learned from past  
experience that any meal with boiling water was a good meal. Then  
he remembered the bird of paradise he had in his backpack.  
  
Ryoga: Oh, that's right...[pulling out Mousse] Now just hold  
still, I only want a feather.   
  
Ryoga yanked hard.   
  
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "[CENSORED]"]  
  
Ryoga: Great. Now what do I do with it?   
  
Looking at the duck--er, bird of paradise, Ryoga shrugged. He  
threw it into the bushes behind him and settled down for dinner.  
  
Mousse slowly and agonizingly dragged himself back to the camp  
again. He quacked angrily at Ryoga. Ryoga looked down at the  
duck. Mousse quacked again, then pointed with his bill at the hot  
water.   
  
Ryoga: What, this? Sorry, it's my dinner. You can't have any.   
  
Ryoga proceeded to make ramen, while Mousse alternately dragged  
closer and quacked in desperation. Finally, Ryoga finished dinner  
with a sigh.  
  
Ryoga: Ah, that was good.   
  
Mousse: Quack! Quack! Quackety quack quack! QUACK!   
[translation: "I need hot water!"]  
  
Ryoga: ...Too bad it's all gone.  
  
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "AAAAAAAAUGH!"]  
  
Ryoga looked at the duck. It was certainly an irritating creature.  
  
Maybe if he threw the pot at it, he could scare it away, or at  
least make it shut up. He threw it at the annoying thing. There  
was one last, desperate 'quack!'. Then Ryoga fell down, struck on  
the head by his own pot. Mousse looked at the unconscious figure.   
  
Mousse: Hmph. Serves you right.  
  
Mousse started to walk away, still steaming a bit from where the  
scalding liquid in the pot had hit him. Just as he did, thunder  
crackled in the distance. Mousse looked up at the sky. He walked  
back and picked up Ryoga's bamboo umbrella. Then he left.   
  
Rain started to fall.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko ran back to the dojo. On the way back, she mulled things  
over in her mind. She had the nagging feeling of forgetting  
something, something very, very important...  
  
Voice-over of Mr. Tendo: I'm sorry to say that Genma and Ranma  
left on a training mission and won't be back for...two-and-a-  
half weeks.  
  
Ranko slaps her fist into the palm of her other hand.   
  
Ranma-chan: And that was days ago! But if her injury takes three  
weeks to heal...'Ranma' is going to show up before she leaves!   
What am I going to do? AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!  
  
Ranko turned around and ran in the other direction. At the dojo,  
Akane's ears perked up.  
  
Akane: Hey Nabiki, did you hear something?  
  
Nabiki: [bored] It must have been your imagination, Akane.  
  
Ranko passed an elderly couple.  
  
Old Man: Wasn't she running in the other direction just a minute  
ago?  
  
Old Woman: And before that she was running out of a restaurant.  
  
Old Man: Youth today. They're in such a hurry.  
  
Old Woman: And they never know where they're going.   
  
They continued on their way.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko stopped in her tracks. Kodachi had just landed in front of  
her, for the second time that day. That was definitely on her list  
of top ten things she tried to avoid in one day. She looked at the  
crazed gymnast warily.  
  
Ranma-chan: Yo, what's up, Kodachi?   
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Your pitiful attempts at disguise won't work on  
me, my dear! I know you for who you are now!  
  
Ranma-chan: It took you this long?  
  
Kodachi: Don't you speak to me like that! Now tell me...  
[menacingly] What have you done with my darling Ranma?  
  
Ranko sighed.   
  
Ranma-chan: I ain't got time for this, Kodachi.  
  
Kodachi took out a ribbon and snapped it in Ranko's face.  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! That's right, my dear! You don't have much  
time left at all, unless you tell me what I want to know!  
  
Ranko thought quickly.  
  
Ranma-chan: Er, okay. Ranma eloped with Shampoo.   
  
Kodachi reacted as if slapped. Wait, that's not right. Kodachi  
would probably kill anybody who slapped her. She reacted as if  
told her true love was eloping with a Chinese amazon with naturally  
blue hair.  
  
Kodachi: WHAT!?  
  
Ranma-chan: He said they were going to honeymoon in...er...Canada.  
Yeah. That's it. [to herself] That oughta get her out of my  
hair for a few weeks.  
  
Kodachi: Ranma sweetums, how *could* you? Wait, wait--it must be  
that horrid amazon's magic potions! How terrible, to have to  
stoop so low as to cheat!  
  
Ranko couldn't help herself.  
  
Ranma-chan: But Kodachi, don't *you* cheat all the time?  
  
Kodachi: That's different! When *I* cheat, at least I do it  
right! OHOHOHO!  
  
Ranko shivered. It had nothing to do with the chill in the air.   
  
Kodachi: Well, I must be off, my dear. I have a wedding to break  
up! OHOHOHO!  
  
Kodachi jumped into the air, leaving a trail of black petals  
behind (1). Ranko breathed in a sigh of relief. Two seconds  
later, Kodachi landed in front of her again, her ribbon poised to  
strike. Ranko blinked.   
  
Ranma-chan: Haven't we already done this scene?  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! So you thought you could trick the Black Rose!   
Well, know that Kodachi Kuno is mistress of trickery! You  
can't beat me at my own game, girl--so don't even try. I know  
for a fact that NOBODY honeymoons in Canada!   
  
Ranma-chan: They don't?  
  
Kodachi: [sneering] Of course not! Who wants to vacation in a  
desolate wasteland? Well, except for the Eskimos, I suppose.   
Not to mention those horrible polar bears. But living in an  
igloo... (2)?  
  
Kodachi gave a shudder at the thought. Ranko resolved to pay more  
attention in Geography class--or at least look at an atlas someday.  
She had always thought that Canada was a U.S. state, and weren't  
they all sunny and warm? Well, except for Alaska, maybe. But that  
was up at the north pole.   
  
Kodachi: No more stalling! You WILL tell me where Ranma is!   
  
Ranma-chan: [thinking fast] He's not here.  
  
Kodachi: I KNOW THAT, you stupid girl! WHERE is he?  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...well...he's...uh...  
  
Ranko thought about it. That ribbon of Kodachi's looked a lot like  
a whip. And she was tired. And angry. And she just plain didn't  
care anymore. Ranko sighed and crossed her arms tiredly.  
  
Ranma-chan: Okay, Kodachi. You asked for it. I'll tell you.   
'Ranma' has been here all along.  
  
Kodachi: What are you talking about, you foolish woman? I told  
you, no more tricks!  
  
Ranma-chan: [angry] Alright, so I heard you already! Just  
listen to me, okay? Ranma fell into a cursed spring. You  
following so far?  
  
Kodachi: A cursed spring?  
  
Ranma-chan: I guess not. Okay, there's these training grounds in  
China, called Jhusenkyo, or something...and people who fall in  
the springs there turn into stuff.  
  
Kodachi: Whaaaat?  
  
Ranma-chan: Well, things. You know. But it's not permanent. Hot  
water turns them back.   
  
Kodachi: THINGS? What do you mean by 'things'?  
  
Ranma-chan: You know, animals, plants, robots--no, wait...  
  
Kodachi: My poor Ranma is a THING?  
  
Ranma-chan: I don't think I'm getting through here.  
  
Kodachi: What did you turn him into, you horrible evil girl?  
  
Ranma-chan: HEY! I DIDN'T DO IT!   
  
Ranko suddenly got an evil gleam in her eye.  
  
Ranma-chan: You know, Kodachi, maybe you shouldn't be saying  
things like that to me.  
  
Kodachi: What do you mean?  
  
Ranko stepped forward.  
  
Ranma-chan: Look, what's the worst possible thing 'your' Ranma  
could become?   
  
Kodachi: [horrified] You don't mean...  
  
Ranma-chan: [nodding] I see you've finally got it. At least you  
*did* get it. That dumb Kuno still hasn't--  
  
Kodachi: MY RANMA IS A PIG??  
  
Ranma-chan: [taken aback] What?  
  
Kodachi: That pig you used in the match!  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, no--  
  
Kodachi: HOW COULD YOU??  
  
Ranma-chan: Wait a--  
  
Kodachi: Oh, you wicked, wicked girl! I will *never* forgive what  
you have done to my fiance! But right now, my place is at my  
darlings' side, not here giving you the beating you so rightly  
deserve! Another time, perhaps!   
  
Ranma-chan: But--  
  
Kodachi leapt into the air, scattering black rose petals. Ranko  
started sneezing in the petal-filled air, unable to continue.  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Ranma sweetums, I'm coming! Be brave, dear  
heart! OHOHOHO!  
  
Ranko wondered what would happen when Kodachi found Ryoga. Then  
she wondered if China would be a good place to visit at this time  
of year.   
  
Ranma-chan: Oh well. Better him than me, I guess.   
  
  
(1) The rare black rose (*Insaneum Gymnasium Prolificus*) is  
only found in a few places across the globe. Kodachi has a large  
garden of them which she uses to finance her 'habit'.  
  
(2) Being Canadian, I reserve the right to make fun of Canada  
and Canadians, specifically those in Ontario, without being flamed.  
The same applies for Roman Catholicism and Catholics, Anime and  
Otaku, RPGs and RPGers, and people with horrible, awful, terrible  
and very bad senses of direction. It says something when my  
nickname is Ryoga to my friends. I just wish I could  
Shishihoukoudan all of them too. So I got lost going in a straight  
line. Big deal. You'd think they'd let me live it down after a  
year.  
  
* * *  
  
The Tendo family living room was, for once, quiet and serene.   
Perhaps it was the presence of Mrs. Saotome and Kasumi that was  
adding the necessary island of calmness to Nerima's normal  
insanity. Whatever the case, everyone was relaxing in the  
unexpected pleasantly boring day.  
  
Soun: Ah, this is the life! What could possibly go wrong on a day  
like this?  
  
Nabiki rapidly excused herself from the room. Kasumi was protected  
from any kind of danger through her own nature--her own sweet  
kindness and purity that made humans of any evilness or perversion  
(read: Happosai) think twice about attacking her, and even made the  
laws of the universe bend a little to make sure she escaped without  
so much as a scratch (1). Akane was more often than not the  
aforementioned danger, or could handle it through selective use of  
random applied violence. Nabiki on the other hand had to rely on  
her wits to protect herself. Thus, she had learned to pick up on  
the subtle cues proclaiming instant and irrevocable disaster was  
looming, such as anyone stupid enough to ask "What could possibly  
go wrong?" or say "What a beautiful day" or even utter the dreaded  
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing." This is known in psychology as  
the 'social learning process', and is the method by which ordinary  
people learn to deal with life.  
  
Nobody else seemed to notice.   
  
Seconds later, Mousse burst into the room bristling with weapons.   
  
Mousse: Saotome! Prepare to die!  
  
Everyone looked at Mousse. Mousse glared back at where he assumed  
their faces were.  
  
Mousse: I know you're here! Now, fight me! I will have my  
revenge, Saotome!  
  
Chains and ropes flew out of Mousse's sleeves, entangling  
everything in the room.  
  
Mrs. Saotome slowly stood up. Akane shook her head disbelievingly.  
  
Nodoka: [angrily] I don't know what you think I've done to you,  
young man, but you've just made a mess of the Tendo living  
room. I accept your challenge.  
  
Everybody took a step back. Genma, who had seen his wife in battle  
before--usually against him--took three steps back. Into the  
closet. And closed the door. Mrs. Saotome brought out her katana  
and pointed it at Mousse.  
  
Mousse: [squinting] Saotome? Is that you? When did you grow a  
foot taller? [giving up] No matter! Prepare to DIE!   
  
Mousse rushed forward. Mrs. Saotome leisurely kicked him out the  
door into low earth orbit. She turned around, dusting off her  
hands. Everyone stared at her.   
  
Nodoka: What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?   
  
Akane: But...but the sword...?   
  
Nodoka: [puzzled] What about it?  
  
Akane: Er...you always have it...I guess...[blushing]...I guess we  
assumed you'd use it in a fight.  
  
Nodoka: [laughing] Of course I can use it, dear. But despite  
being a family heirloom, I keep it razor-sharp, and it  
wouldn't be fair to use it in a fight. [smiling] Besides, an  
accident with a sword can do a lot worse than a sprained ankle  
or a bruise. I didn't want to kill him, now did I?  
  
Soun: There are sides to you we've never seen before, Saotome-san.  
I never knew you knew Kempo.  
  
Nodoka: I picked up a few moves from my husband when he was trying  
to impress me. Also I studied it in high school, long before  
I met him. I'm 2nd dan (2).  
  
Akane: When he was trying to impress *you*? That kick was  
amazing!  
  
Nodoka: [blushing] Well, if I'd told him I could beat him up in  
a fight, he would never have asked me to marry him!   
  
Everyone laughed. Inside the closet, a Panda sweated.  
  
  
(1) Some scientists believe that Kasumi actually lives in a  
world of her own. Not 'acts like she lives', but 'lives'. That  
is, she's not selectively noticing things or overly optimistic  
about human nature, she actually *does* see and hear different  
things than everybody else. She sees in two different dimensions,  
where exact copies of the people and places of this one live, but  
where all evil and duplicity has been removed and everybody gets  
along, even the Catholics (what did I say in my last note?).   
Scientists further went on to hypothesize that her dual-dimensional  
nature could conceivably protect her from the effects of this world  
due to her existing in both planes at once. This statement by the  
scientific community has led to a special on Oprah: 'Tendo  
daughters with extradimensional powers'. Don't hold your breath  
waiting for it to come out on TV; the U.S. government confiscated  
it and told the network to deny everything. But who do you  
trust--me, some guy on the Net you've never met and for all you  
know isn't even a real person, or a bunch of people running the  
government?  
  
(2) The levels of mastery in most Japanese martial arts are  
divided into gup (student) and dan (master). Gup is divided into  
10 ranks, most of which have a different colour; this is where the  
"belt" system comes from. White belt is 1st gup while brown belt  
is 10th gup. Once a student achieves a black belt, they become a  
master and start advancing in ranks of dan, from 1st to 10th. Most  
if not all "sensei", or teachers, are at the very least 1st dan;  
many are around 4th or 5th. Students usually refer to their skill  
level through the colour of their belt, while the masters, who all  
have black belts irregardless of level, use their ranking in dan to  
compare each other (except in a few styles, where red belt is  
reserved for 9th and 10th dan and is not a student belt). Note  
that only a handful of people have ever reached 10th dan; even a  
1st dan opponent is a very good martial artist, one who can perform  
every technique in that style of martial arts and who is still  
learning only to improve them (the "special techniques" from Ranma  
1/2 aren't quite the same thing). Chinese martial arts, such as  
most Kung-Fu styles, are ranked in a completely different manner,  
while other nation's martial arts may or may not even have a  
ranking system. In case you were wondering, I'd rate Ranma  
somewhere around 7th or even 8th dan by the middle of the series.  
  
* * *  
  
In the streets of Nerima, a small black piglet was wandering. P-  
Chan was pissed off. He had no idea why he had fallen unconscious,  
but when he woke up, he had a splitting headache. Also, he was a  
pig. It was probably Ranma's fault, somehow.  
  
He snarled to himself. Then he looked up. He sighed. He hoped he  
was still in Japan, but he couldn't be sure. Then he heard a  
wicked-sounding burst of insane laughter and relaxed. There was  
only *one* person alive able to make that sound without suffering  
a nervous breakdown, and that was Kodachi 'Black Rose' Kuno. And  
she went to school in Nerima. So he was still in the city.   
  
P-Chan was taken completely by surprise when she landed in front of  
him.  
  
Kodachi: [beaming] Oh, Ranma sweetums! I have come to deliver  
you from your pain!  
  
P-Chan looked behind him. That was strange, he couldn't see Ranma.  
  
Kodachi reached down and tenderly, if firmly, lifted P-Chan to her  
face.  
  
Kodachi: Now we can be together, my love...[husky]...and as soon  
as I get some hot water, you can make me your woman!  
  
P-Chan started to scream (1).  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Be brave, my darling! Wait a little while, and  
then we will be married!  
  
People looked up as they saw Kodachi go by. It wasn't everyday  
people saw a leotard-wearing girl carrying a pig jump over their  
heads on rooftops. Then again, perhaps it was. This *was* Nerima.  
Still, the sound of a pig screaming intermingled with that  
horrible, insane laughter made even the hardiest passerby stop and  
thank the stars they weren't Kodachi's targets that day.  
  
  
(1) Kodachi has the unique ability to make males ignore  
their usual compulsions upon meeting her; that is, Mikado feels no  
desire to kiss her, Ranma actually tries to get rid of her, Kuno  
genuinely cares for her, Mousse doesn't let her walk all over him,  
and Ryoga doesn't get a nosebleed when she's nice to him. The mind  
boggles to think about what would happen if she were to fall in  
love with Gosunkugi.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko settled down at her usual spot, underneath the bridge on the  
grassy slope. Watching the waves as she listened to the sound of  
river rushing by was always soothing. Right now she needed to be  
soothed.   
  
Of course, that was slightly difficult at the moment. A song was  
blaring loudly from a boat slowly passing by. Ranko gritted her  
teeth. This was *her* spot, and she'd be darned if she'd let some  
stupid radio move her from it. She settled down in the grass.  
  
The song stopped. The announcer came on.   
  
Announcer: ...That was 'My Wife Left Me In My Truck With My Dog So  
I Got Nothing Left To Sing About,' by Jack Tennesee. It's  
5:54, and coming up in a minute, 'Love Letters' with your  
host, Keiko Makabe.  
  
Keiko: Thanks, Yoichi--okay, today we've got a letter from Kyoko  
in Nerima. "Dear Keiko, I'm in love with someone my family  
won't let me see. I can't disobey them but I can't stop  
loving him, either. What can I do about my feelings? They're  
tearing me apart!" Well Kyoko, here's a trick I learned a  
while ago. When you can't tell somebody how you feel, try  
writing a letter to yourself saying it instead! It's easy,  
it's painless, and nobody else has to know! Thanks for tuning  
into 'Love Letters', and now back to Yoichi Takeda for the  
news in sports!  
  
As the announcer droned on about baseball, Ranko came to a  
conclusion.  
  
Ranma-chan: [thinking] Well...I'll try *anything* once, I guess.   
Maybe it'll even help! Okay! I'll write a letter!! Yeah!  
  
Ranko then stopped short, realizing her lack of pen and paper. She  
looked around. There was a young man drawing the scenery, sitting  
up on the bridge. Ranko walked up to him and put her best 'cute'  
look on her face.   
  
Ranma-chan: [sweetly] Hello there, kind sir!  
  
The boy looked up. He looked around to see who she was talking to.  
  
Despite her being only a few inches away from him.  
  
Guy: Uh...you mean me?!   
  
Ranma-chan: [irritated] Well, duh! Who else would I be--um, I  
mean, [giggling] of course!  
  
Guy: Uh...[getting his self-confidence back] Hi! My name's  
Ataru, babe! What can I do for you?   
  
Ranma-chan: Well, I was just looking around for a piece of paper  
and I noticed you up here, all by your lonesome...  
  
Ranko was interrupted by a sketchpad being shoved into her hands.  
  
Guy: Paper! Have as much as you want!  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh, uh, thanks. And did I mention I need a pen?   
  
The boy rummaged around frantically in his pencil case. Ranko  
calmly stooped down and picked up the pen that had fallen to the  
ground by his feet.  
  
Ranma-chan: Thanks! You're so sweet! [giggling] Oh, look at the  
time! Gotta run!  
  
Guy: Hey! Wait a second! What's your phone number!?  
  
Behind him, a green-haired girl floated up to him. There was an  
electric shock and the smell of ozone with a shout: "DARLING NO  
BAKA!"  
  
Lum sighed; getting Ataru to try sketching obviously wasn't helping  
him become more sensitive, it was just helping him pick up girls.   
As usual.  
  
Ranko didn't look back. She was too busy running.  
  
* * *  
  
Kodachi hummed to herself as she put P-Chan down. Of course, the  
doors were already locked and bolted. From both directions. P-  
Chan looked like he wanted to bolt, himself. If he had been paying  
more attention, he would have realized Kodachi was humming the  
"wedding march".   
  
Kodachi: Just a little while longer, my sweetums! I'm boiling the  
water now! Then we can be together as man and woman.  
  
P-Chan shivered at the prospect. He continued to look for a way  
out.   
  
Kodachi: [thoughtfully] Of course, we *could* work something out  
with your porcine aspect as well...that might be interesting.  
  
P-Chan gave a whimper. He was doomed.   
  
He looked around, no longer searching for an escape, but for  
something to commit suicide on.   
  
Kodachi: Just think! We'll be together in just a few moments!   
Oh, it sends shivers down my spine!   
  
Kodachi stopped. She looked at the kettle. It wasn't boiling.   
  
Kodachi: How odd. I suppose I must have forgotten to fill the  
kettle with water in my excitement.  
  
P-Chan looked up hopefully.  
  
Kodachi: Luckily, I know just the solution!   
  
She walked over to the cupboard and opened it. Inside was not  
sugar, or plates, or anything you might ordinarily find in a  
cupboard. Unless you live in the Kuno mansion. There, the most  
common thing to put in cupboards were traps. This one was no  
exception. There was a small lever inside. Kodachi pulled it.   
  
Kodachi: Kuno Family Secret Trap Steam Attack!  
  
A trap door opened up underneath P-Chan. His legs frantically swam  
in air for half a second before he fell, screaming a little piggy  
scream, into the pit below him, already piping hot and steaming.  
  
His last thoughts before he plunged into boiling water were 'What  
kind of person keeps pit traps in the kitchen?'  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko looked around her. She was sitting on a bench near a  
fountain, in the centre of the city. Nobody seemed to be watching  
her, and that guy and the flying girl were nowhere to be seen. She  
settled down to write her letter. She got out the paper and the  
pen and started writing.  
  
Predictably, Ranko's mind went blank.  
  
Ranko sighed. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But  
she hadn't even started yet! She searched her mind. The girl on  
the radio had said to put all your feelings into it. Okay, that  
was a start. Now, what did she feel?  
  
Ranma-chan: 'I feel terrible'. Okay, now what? Argh.  
  
She looked around for inspiration. She sighed and looked at the  
page. Maybe she should just give up. She thought about that for  
a second. Then she wrote it down.  
  
Ranma-chan: 'Maybe I should just give up'. [enthusiastically  
shouting] Ha! This is easy! I just have to write down what  
I'm thinking, that's all!  
  
Ranko looked up. People were looking at her. She blushed and  
tried to become invisible.  
  
Ranma-chan: Okay, concentrate on the letter. 'I wish I wasn't  
here'. Argh! This is stupid!   
  
Ranko grabbed the paper and was about to tear it apart, when she  
remembered her mother talking to her.  
  
Voice-over of Nodoka: You really *do* have to get in touch with  
your feminine side...until you do, you'll never really  
understand your whole self.  
  
Ranko looked at the paper in front of her again.  
  
Ranma-chan: Well...I guess I should try. 'I'll give it a try. It  
couldn't get worse than it already is!' Yeah, that's it!  
  
Ranko cheered herself on, mentally. Then she frowned. How *did*  
you get in touch with your feminine side, anyways? Oh yeah, Ranko  
remembered--girls liked pretty things, like flowers and stuff,  
right? And hadn't her mom been talking about the park? She could  
go there!  
  
Ranma-chan: 'I'll go to the park and try there'. Okay, what's  
that make?   
  
Ranko looked at the letter in front of her.  
  
Ranma-chan: Augh. Four lines. [thinking] Oh well, good enough.   
  
Ranko scribbled a few lines at the end, signed it, and folded it  
up. She smiled, happy to have finally finished it. Okay, what  
came next? Oh yeah, she had to mail it.  
  
She looked around and realized she had no envelope for it. She  
debated throwing it into the garbage. She decided against it; if  
she was going to do it, she might as well follow instructions to  
the letter. She'd just have to find an envelope somewhere. On a  
Sunday afternoon. But where?  
  
Ranko started walking.  
  
* * *  
  
Kodachi looked down into the pit. She had to wait until it stopped  
steaming, of course. She settled down to wait, thinking about what  
she and Ranma would do when he got out. Marriage, of course, was  
on the agenda. But there were so many things they could do...  
  
Ryoga hit the water and transformed back instantaneously. He  
almost screamed, but stopped himself. He didn't want to make any  
noise with *her* up there. He latched onto the walls of the pit  
with all his might. He thought frantically. What could he do now,  
naked and alone with a madwoman?  
  
Kodachi looked. The steam was almost all gone now. She decided to  
risk a peek. She looked down. Nothing. She blinked in surprise.   
There was nobody down there.   
  
Ryoga looked up. Kodachi was standing right above him, looking  
down. From her angle, she couldn't see him. He gave a silent  
prayer of thanks. She moved. He prayed harder. She was bending  
over. Ryoga came to a conclusion. He grabbed her ankle and used  
the leverage to somersault out of the pit. Newton's third  
law (1) in effect, the surprised Kodachi was sent tumbling into her  
own pit, a rather surprised look on her face.  
  
Ryoga quickly grabbed the lever controlling the trap door and  
pulled it up, shutting the door. He looked around, grabbed a tea  
towel to cover himself, and vaulted out of the window, running as  
if his life depended on it. Behind him, thumps and curses could be  
heard from the kitchen.  
  
  
(1) "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".   
Actually, that's a paraphrase that doesn't quite hold up on physics  
exams, but it's close enough for this story. Just don't try it at  
home, kids--we're trained professionals.  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou looked up from where she was putting the finishing touches on  
an okinomiyaki. Business was brisk as usual, and this being the  
dinner hour, she wasn't surprised to hear the door open with more  
customers. She put on a smile.  
  
Ukyou: Welcome to Ucchan's, I'm--Ranchan!   
  
It was indeed Ranko standing in the doorway. She was carrying a  
pen and paper, but Ukyou didn't notice. She ran to Ranko and  
hugged her fiance. Let the okinomiyaki burn!  
  
Ranma-chan: Hey, Ucchan, I--urk!   
  
Ukyou realized that she was squeezing a little hard. She let go,  
a little reluctantly.  
  
Ukyou: Oops, sorry, Ranchan! [brightly] So, what brings you  
here? Have a seat, Ranchan! I'll cook you up a super-special  
okinomiyaki just for you in a second!   
  
Ukyou took the okinomiyaki she had just prepared and put it on a  
plate for Ranko, and started cooking another for her; Ranma always  
had a huge appetite. The customer whose okinomiyaki it was decided  
not to complain; when the food was as good as it was at Ucchan's,  
you didn't complain about the petty things, like the owner's  
fiance, even if they *were* both girls, or the fights between  
martial artists that seemed to predominate the after-school hours.   
Besides, they made dinner interesting.   
  
Ukyou brought the second okinomiyaki over to Ranko's booth and sat  
down with her. The okinomiyaki had a heart on it. Ranko was just  
finishing the first one, stuffing her face like she hadn't eaten  
for days. Ukyou remembered that Akane was helping to cook at the  
Tendo's. Hm. Perhaps Ranma *hadn't* eaten in two days. She  
resolved to make him another one, perhaps with their names  
intertwined on it.  
  
Ukyou: So, Ranchan, how are you?  
  
Ranma-chan: [stuffing her face] Mrrph.  
  
Amazingly enough, Ukyou understood Ranko. Whether this had more to  
do with Ranma or Ukyou is debatable, not to mention irrelevant to  
the story.   
  
Ukyou: Really? That's great! And how's your mom?  
  
Ranma-chan: [swallowing] Ggmprh.  
  
Ukyou: You don't say? Too bad!  
  
Ranko started on the second one, not noticing the heart design.   
Ukyou sighed. One day...she smiled anyways, and resolved to try  
harder.  
  
Ukyou: Do you like it?  
  
Ranko nodded empathetically. Everyone else trying to eavesdrop on  
the pair sighed in relief, glad they could finally understand  
something.  
  
Ranma-chan: Mmmnnh!   
  
Ukyou clapped her hands in delight.  
  
Ukyou: Oh, I'm so glad! Another?  
  
Ranko nodded.  
  
Ranma-chan: Mghmhh! [swallowing] Thanks, Ucchan!  
  
Ukyou: No problem! Anything for my fiance!   
  
Ranma-chan: [swallowing] Um, speaking of which...  
  
Ukyou: [laughing] Don't worry, I'll be by in time to help with  
dinner. I'm closing early today just for you!  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh, that's not it.   
  
Ukyou: [serious] Oh, is there something you want from me, Ranma?   
Anything I have is yours. Plus my heart.   
  
Ranma-chan: [embarrassed] Uh, I only need an envelope.  
  
Ukyou: [smiling] One envelope coming up!   
  
Ukyou walked away. Ranko finished the okinomiyaki. Ukyou came  
back with another, plus envelope.  
  
Ukyou: There you go!   
  
Ranma-chan: Thanks.   
  
Ranko finished the okinomiyaki. She took out her pen and wrote on  
the envelope: "Tendo dojo, Nerima, Japan". Then she put in the  
letter and licked it shut. Ukyou watched her. She read the  
address and frowned.  
  
Ukyou: [ever-so-sweetly] Who's the letter for, Ranchan?  
  
Ranma-chan: Huh? Uh, nobody! Nobody at all, Ucchan!  
  
Ukyou: [suspicious] Is that so? Well, I notice you forgot the  
stamp. I'll bet you don't even have one!  
  
Ranma-chan: Ahh! You're right!  
  
Ukyou: Well, why don't you leave it with me? I'll mail it on my  
way out at dinner? That way you won't have to.   
  
Ranma-chan: Really? Hey, thanks, Ukyou!   
  
Ranko got up and left. Ukyou put the letter on the counter.   
  
Ukyou: [darkly] Who does he think he is, writing a love letter to  
Akane in *my* restaurant? Who does he think he is, writing a  
love letter to *anybody* when I'm his fiancee? It's too bad  
I forgot to mail it, isn't it?  
  
The customer who still hadn't gotten his dinner sighed. Well, the  
entertainment appeared to be over. He was wrong. It had just  
begun.  
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga stopped running. He must have lost her by now. Come to  
think of it, he was lost himself. But then, that was normal. It  
made him feel, well, normal again. He looked around. He was in an  
alley. He started walking. He tripped over someone.   
  
Ryoga: Whoops. Sorry! Didn't see you there--Mousse?  
  
Mousse got up. He had a headache. Mrs. Saotome's kick had  
deposited him here and he had lost consciousness. He was  
definitely having a bad day. Being tripped over didn't make life  
any better. He snarled at Ryoga.  
  
Mousse: Why don't you watch where you're going?  
  
Ryoga looked at the ground where Mousse had been lying. There were  
three ducks there, walking over to Mousse and acting like, well,  
like family.   
  
Ryoga: I said I was sorry...uh, Mousse, did you know you're being  
followed?  
  
Mousse spun in a circle.  
  
Mousse: What? Where? Who?  
  
Ryoga pointed one finger down. Mousse followed his finger to the  
ducks. He leaned in close to see...a duck. It quacked at him with  
a lovesick expression. Oh no. Not *that* duck. It couldn't be.   
Not here. He glared up at Ryoga angrily, as if it were his fault.  
  
Mousse: Oh yeah? Did *you* know that you're wearing a tea towel  
as a skirt?  
  
Ryoga: [blushing] This is all Ranma's fault.  
  
Mousse: [darkly] My thoughts exactly.  
  
Ryoga looked at Mousse, surprised. Mousse looked back at him,  
blankly. He still didn't have his glasses.  
  
Ryoga: I'd do anything to get my revenge on Ranma...  
  
Mousse: Anything?  
  
Ryoga: [backing up] Now wait a second! I know where this is  
going! I don't want anything to do with the devil, or magic  
potions, or wishes, or curses, or killing Ranma, or anything  
at all like that!  
  
Mousse: How about getting my glasses back?  
  
Ryoga facefaulted.   
  
Ryoga: [getting up] Oh, is that all? Sure, no problem. Then we  
can strike back at Ranma together! Uh, where are they?  
  
Mousse: Well, I don't know. So we'll have to go back to the  
Nekohanten to get my spare pair. But without my glasses, I  
can't find my way back. You'll have to lead the way.  
  
Ryoga: [dubiously] Uh...I will? [looking around]   
Well...okay...I think it's this way...   
  
Ryoga started walking north. Mousse followed him. The ducks  
followed him. Behind them all, the remaining three thousand ducks  
formed a line and began to follow. Meanwhile, several blocks away,  
Kodachi managed to extricate herself from the pit. She was not  
pleased.  
  
Kodachi: Ouch! That hurt. What could have possessed my darling  
Ranma to act so hatefully towards me? [sadly] Does he hate  
me? Does he really just not like me? Perhaps I should just  
give up on him. Or is it...[evilly]...a spell! Cast by that  
wicked girl! Yes, that must be it! The Black Rose will have  
her revenge!  
  
Laughter tends to carry far over the wind, but even so it didn't  
reach Ryoga and Mousse. So when they both shivered uncontrollably  
for a second they attributed it to the chill in the air. The ducks  
didn't notice at all.  
  
* * *  
  
Closing time at Ucchan's. Ukyou thanked the last of her patrons,  
closed the door, and sighed in relief. Now she had to run over to  
the dojo and help with dinner. She hoped Ranma appreciated it.   
Then she remembered the letter. She felt herself flush with anger.  
  
Who else would he be writing to at the Tendo's home but Akane? Did  
he think she was a complete idiot? Well, she wouldn't pass  
judgement on him yet. She'd read the letter first, and if her  
suspicions were correct, she'd just make a few teensy-tiny changes.  
  
And Akane would never speak to him again. Yes, that would be  
better than just keeping it herself. She smiled as she had a  
daydream of Ranma running to her heartbroken over Akane running to  
her and Ukyou comforting him. Then she snapped back to reality.  
  
She steamed the letter with the kettle she always kept hot on the  
stove for Ranma, opening it without a trace. Then she pulled it  
out. She cringed looking at his writing. It was truly deplorable.  
She'd have to...  
  
Then the content of the letter hit her, and she fainted.  
  
* * *  
  
End of Part Four  



	6. Part Five

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Five  
  
  
* * *  
  
Nerima park was lit at night by cheery lamps along the paths, but  
there were always nooks and crannies that were shadowy and  
secluded. At this time of night, such spots were popular among  
young couples in love. Benches were set aside for those who might  
wish to rest awhile, and the pleasant scenery was not diminished in  
the least in the twilight. In fact, the park seemed to have a  
radiant glow from the waxing moon overhead bathing everything in  
purest white.   
  
While nature slept, a few people of Nerima still took time out of  
their lives to stop and watch the sunset, rest a while, and ponder  
life. Some people were young, enjoying the romantic aspect of the  
scenery. Others were old, remembering the times spent here in  
their youth. Others had their own reasons for being here at this  
hour.  
  
One of the latter sort was a young red-headed girl who wandered  
through the park randomly. Ranko passed smiling lovers and  
reminiscing oldsters as she trudged onwards.  
  
Ranma-chan: Bah, humbug.   
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at the clock on the wall. It was nearly seven  
thirty. She sighed despondently. She had hoped that Ranko would  
return home in time for dinner, but she couldn't hold it off any  
longer without upsetting Mr. Tendo. Not to mention Mr. Panda, who  
was pretending to be starving to death. Mrs. Saotome realized why  
Ranko liked it; it *was* funny sometimes, the way it exaggerated  
things. Actually, it reminded her of Genma for some reason. She  
turned to the assembled family and sighed again.  
  
Nodoka: All right, I suppose we can have dinner now. I guess  
Ranko's not coming.  
  
Panda: [sign] "YAY!"  
  
Akane: Don't worry, Mrs. Saotome. She's probably just freeloading  
off Ukyou again.  
  
Nodoka: Speaking of which, didn't Ukyou say she was coming for  
dinner? She hasn't shown up today...  
  
Akane: See? [darkly] I'll bet she's just trying to avoid my  
cooking...  
  
Nodoka: Oh, I don't think she would do that, dear. Ranko is  
really a very sweet girl. You just have to look past the  
rough exterior to get to a warm, caring heart that cries out  
to be loved.  
  
Akane looked at Mrs. Saotome in disbelief. Mrs. Saotome smiled at  
her knowingly and excused herself into the kitchen to finish up.   
  
Ukyou chose that moment to run into the room and trip over Genma,  
landing face-first in Akane's lap. Akane's first instinct was to  
send her flying into the stratosphere. Then she realized it wasn't  
Ranma, after all, and checked her impulse.  
  
Kasumi: Oh, hello, Ukyou. Would you like some dinner?  
  
Ukyou: [breathlessly] No time! Look!   
  
Ukyou shoved the letter into Akane's hands. Akane looked at it.   
It was a crumpled piece of paper. Ukyou had been holding it in her  
hands when she ran the entire way from her restaurant to the dojo.  
  
Akane: What's this?  
  
Ukyou: Just read it!  
  
Akane started to straighten out the letter. Ukyou grabbed it from  
her, straightened it with a quick motion, and threw it back. Akane  
blinked.  
  
Ukyou: Read it!  
  
Akane peered at the writing.   
  
Akane: What terrible calligraphy! Did you write this, Ukyou?  
  
Ukyou screamed. It was a scream full of frustration and fear. She  
looked like she was about to strangle Akane. While this was  
probably a nicer fate than being turned into okinomiyaki, it still  
left a lot to be desired. Akane began to get nervous.  
  
Akane: Okay...maybe not terrible, but pretty bad...  
  
Ukyou collapsed on the floor.   
  
Ukyou: Akane, just read it!  
  
Akane fumbled with the letter. Ukyou was being  
uncharacteristically strange today. Akane dropped it. Ukyou  
buried her head in her hands. Nabiki snatched the letter before it  
could hit the ground and read it out loud.  
  
Nabiki: "I feel terrible. Maybe I should just give up. I wish I  
wasn't here. I'll give it a try. It couldn't get worse than  
it already is! I'll go to the park and try there. Ranma.   
P.S. - Akane's cooking sucks."  
  
Ukyou: There! You see?  
  
Akane: [fuming] See *what*, Ukyou? That he hates my cooking?  
  
Ukyou: It's a suicide note!  
  
There was a strangled gasp from the room's occupants.   
  
Akane: [shocked] Do...do you really think so?   
  
Ukyou: What else could it be?   
  
Akane: You're right!  
  
Nabiki: [thoughtfully] Well, it could be random mutterings...  
  
Akane: Nabiki! This is a serious matter!  
  
Nabiki blinked.  
  
Nabiki: I'm being serious, Akane. Think about it. If he wanted  
to commit suicide, all he'd have to do would be to tell his  
mother who he really is. And besides, does anybody here  
actually think *Ranma* is the suicidal type?  
  
Soun: [crying hysterically] Oh! The tragedy of it!   
  
Panda: [sign] "My son!"  
  
Kasumi: Oh, my! Poor Ranma!  
  
Nabiki sighed.  
  
Nabiki: Okay, okay. I'm not about to stand in your way, but I  
think you're all overreacting. I mean, we're talking about  
Ranma, here. But I think you're forgetting about something.  
  
Akane: What? If it's important, Nabiki, just tell us, please!   
[fumbling in her pocket] I'm not sure how much I have on  
me...  
  
Nabiki: You can consider this a freebie, Akane. [smiling] Has  
anyone considered what Mrs. Saotome is going to say when she  
hears about this?  
  
Voice-over of Ranma-chan: My mom is gonna kill me if she finds out  
who I am! Pop made some stupid promise about being a "manly  
man" and now I haveta commit seppuku if she finds out!   
  
Nodoka: [from the kitchen] Did someone just come in? Ranko? Is  
that you?   
  
Everybody froze with guilty expressions on their faces. Nabiki  
just smiled. Akane turned to Ukyou.  
  
Akane: How much do you have on you, Ukyou?  
  
Ukyou: Let's see...how much do you want, Nabiki? Will you take  
I.O.U.'s?  
  
Nabiki: Ten thousand yen and I'll 'explain' things to our dear  
auntie for the entire evening.   
  
Akane: WHAT?  
  
Ukyou: Deal!   
  
Akane: [to Ukyou] WHAT?  
  
Ukyou: [looking Akane in the eyes] His life is worth that much  
and more to me.   
  
Akane opened her mouth, then shut it again.   
  
Akane: All right, Nabiki. But you have to keep her occupied and  
out of the way, and explain *anything* weird that happens  
until dawn tomorrow morning.  
  
Nabiki looked at Akane thoughtfully.  
  
Nabiki: You know, you're really learning fast, Akane. I must be  
rubbing off on you. Maybe I should charge you for lessons...  
  
Akane glared at her sister.  
  
Nabiki: Okay, okay, it's a deal. By the way, I charge 6%  
interest (1).  
  
Ukyou: [to Akane] My turn. [to Nabiki] WHAT?  
  
Akane: That's Nabiki for you. [taking charge] Okay! Dad, you  
and Mr. Saotome better stay here or Mrs. Saotome'll get  
suspicious. Nabiki, you'll distract her. Kasumi...you have  
to stay home with your ankle. That leaves...me and Ukyou.   
  
Akane stopped and gave Ukyou the once-over.  
  
Akane: Ukyou...this wouldn't be another one of those schemes to  
steal Ranma by getting rid of me, would it (2)?  
  
Ukyou looked hurt.  
  
Ukyou: Akane! This is Ranma's *life* we're talking about! I  
don't joke about that! [calming down] Look, Akane...I won't  
pretend to like you, but can we call a truce until this is  
over with?   
  
Akane hesitated. She looked into Ukyou's eyes. They were filling  
with tears. Akane nodded.  
  
Ukyou: [gratefully] Okay...we'll need more than just the two of  
us. Who else can we get?  
  
Akane: [thinking] Well, I'm sure Ryoga would help out...he's  
friends with Ranma, after all...  
  
Ukyou: If he's around.  
  
There was a significant pause.  
  
Ukyou: I *said*, 'If he's around'.  
  
Ryoga failed to materialize. Ukyou sighed.  
  
Ukyou: It figures. He's never around when you want him, but when  
you're trying to get *rid* of him...  
  
Akane: Well...we could get Shampoo...  
  
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other.   
  
Akane and Ukyou: [simultaneously] No.  
  
Akane: Well...I guess that doesn't really leave anybody...  
  
Ryoga walked in.   
  
Ryoga: Hi, I--AIIEE!  
  
Ukyou grabbed him by the shirt and brandished her sharpened spatula  
in his face.  
  
Ukyou: Oh, SURE! *NOW* you choose to show up? Your entrance cue  
was a minute ago! You're LATE!!  
  
Ryoga: [watching the spatula closely] Uh...Ukyou...?  
  
Akane grabbed Ryoga away from Ukyou, which put him in her arms.   
Akane failed to notice this fact. Ryoga got a nosebleed.   
  
Akane: Ukyou, *please*! Let me handle this. [to Ryoga] Oh,  
Ryoga...I need to ask a big favour from you. I'd be ever so  
grateful...  
  
Ryoga nearly fainted. He looked into his eyes and forgot what he  
was about to say.  
  
Ryoga: Uh...Akane...  
  
Nabiki stole a peek into the kitchen. She walked over to the trio.  
  
Nabiki: Hey you guys, you'd better get going. Mrs. Saotome's  
bringing in dinner. Don't worry, I'll cover for you.  
  
Ryoga looked like a fish caught out of water.  
  
Ryoga: Uh...Nabiki...?  
  
Akane: [thoughtfully] That reminds me. When did he write this?  
  
Ukyou: Well, he gave it to me when he came in this afternoon,  
around five...oh my god!  
  
Akane and Ukyou grabbed Ryoga and ran out of the house. Mrs.  
Saotome walked in.   
  
Nodoka: Oh! Wherever did Akane run off to? And why on earth is  
your father crying?   
  
Nabiki: Well, you see, auntie, it goes like this...  
  
  
(1) Hourly, of course.   
  
(2) To be completely fair, Ukyou has never used magic, trickery or  
lies to steal Ranma in all the episodes/issues I've seen/read. But  
then, Akane was never all that concerned with being fair to Ranma's  
other fiancees.   
  
* * *  
  
In the middle of the park, gardeners had cleared a spot surrounded  
by trees. They grew wild flowers in the middle of it; it was  
ever-popular, especially for children. At night the children were  
gone, but the spot was still beautiful.  
  
Ranko kicked a stone absently as she trudged through it, stomping  
on flowers as she passed through.  
  
Ranma-chan: Boring, boring, booooring.   
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou, Ryoga and Akane ran in the night. All three were running  
hard and Akane was beginning to regret she'd stopped jogging in the  
mornings. It just hadn't seemed worth it when she usually ended up  
fighting with Ranma, anyways. That thought only made her hurt  
worse inside.   
  
The houses along the street were beginning to fade into a blur,  
though through speed or her lack of awareness she couldn't say.   
She looked around and realized that they still had several blocks  
to go. She couldn't keep up the pace. Reluctantly, Akane called  
a quick stop to catch her breath. She looked around. Ukyou was in  
a similar state. At least she wouldn't be making fun of Akane  
after it was over. Then Akane looked for Ryoga. He should still  
be in pretty good shape, what with all that walking he did.  
  
He was gone.   
  
Muttering imprecations under her breath, Ukyou ran back the way  
they'd come, hoping to catch him before he left Nerima. Akane  
collapsed.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko lacked something. She looked around at her surroundings and  
took in the view, looking for something to inspire her.  
  
The moon shone brightly overhead, surrounded by a circle of clouds,  
giving them a metallic tinge, like softly floating silver in a  
darkened sky. The glow of lamplight reflected the moonlight in  
carefully presented places around the path. The colourful flowers  
growing in patches were all somehow unearthly in the light, pale  
reflections of their true selves. Closer inspection showed them to  
be the warmer colours you were used to, soft pastel pinks, reds and  
yellows intermingled.  
  
Ranko sighed. Nothing. She moved on.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane, Ukyou and Ryoga--once again reunited--reached the edge of  
the park, breathing heavily.   
  
Ukyou leaned on a lamppost, out of breath. In the pale light of  
the lamp she looked nervous, perhaps scared.  
  
Ukyou: Well, I don't see any ambulances...  
  
Akane turned to her, also out of breath. She was bent over,  
holding her legs in her hands to support herself.  
  
Akane: That's good, right? Right, Ukyou?  
  
Ryoga: Uh, Akane...?  
  
Ukyou and Akane turned on Ryoga.   
  
Ukyou and Akane: WHAT?  
  
Ryoga took two steps back.   
  
Ryoga: Er...I was just wondering...  
  
Ukyou: Well? We don't have all minute! Hurry up! Well!?  
  
Ryoga: Uh...would someone mind telling me what we're doing,  
exactly?  
  
The two girls facefaulted.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranko sat down on a bench. Come to think of it, what *did* girls  
do when they were at the park? Maybe she was going about this the  
wrong way. She frowned and tried to remember the few times she'd  
been in a park with her parents.   
  
She seemed to remember...playing. Like running and jumping in  
flowers, giggling with the wonder of it, splashing water on each  
other, and twirling pretty dresses around. Ranko stood up. She  
looked at the field of flowers before her. She breathed in the air  
still fresh with the smells of the forest. She smiled.  
  
Ranko skipped gaily over to the flowers, giggling merrily. When  
she reached the flowers, she started running until she reached the  
middle, where she whooped and laughed as she somersaulted and  
rolled in the fragrant flowers. Flat on her back, she pretended to  
make snow angels in them. She picked a dandelion and held it to  
her face while she lay on her back, staring up at the clouds. As  
she looked up at the sky, a strange expression enveloped her face.  
  
It was disgust.  
  
Ranma-chan: Well, *that* was a complete waste of time. Argh!   
Feminine! I need something feminine!  
  
Ranko got up and stomped out of the clearing deeper into the park.  
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga stared at Akane.   
  
Ryoga: You're trying to tell me that Ranma's going to commit  
suicide?  
  
Akane: YES!  
  
Ryoga: But Ranma's not here. He's on a training mission.  
  
Ukyou put her head into her hands. She knew what was coming next.   
  
Akane: What are you talking about? You saw him--I mean, her!  
  
Ryoga: But that wasn't Ranma. It was Ranko.  
  
Ukyou realized that she was cursed. Sure, she didn't change into  
another species when she got wet. But she was cursed nevertheless.  
  
Akane: Ranko and Ranma are the same person!   
  
Ryoga: [astonished] Really? That's what I thought before, but  
then Shampoo and Ukyou said that...  
  
Akane: Ryoga, I thought you were smarter than that! You're almost  
as bad as Kuno!  
  
Ryoga turned red. He shuffled his feet and hung his head  
miserably. Somehow, this was Ranma's fault. He knew it.  
  
Ukyou: Come on, you two! We're wasting time we don't have!   
Akane, you go left. Ryoga, you go right. I'll go through  
the--no, I'd better go with Ryoga. We don't want him getting  
lost.  
  
Akane ran off to the left. Ukyou ran off to the right. Ryoga  
followed Ukyou, running to the left. Ukyou ran back, clobbered  
Ryoga with her spatula, and forced him to run in *front* of her  
from then on.   
  
* * *  
  
The babbling brook that winded its way through Nerima park used to  
be something of an attraction until they carved out a waterfall at  
the other end of the park. Now, all the kids who used to play  
there were gone.  
  
But others came, glad to have a place to relax and listen to the  
soothing noise of water lazily swimming by them. Water has that  
effect on people, and the few regulars who visited the park daily  
were glad of that fact after coming home from their gruelling jobs.  
  
Ranko smiled. Well, this one she could do. She happened to like  
running water. Except when it was hot, cold or cursed (1). And it  
was in the park, so it was feminine, right? She stretched back and  
put her feet out, keeping herself upright by her elbows.   
  
Then she heard a sound that chilled her to the bone. A sound so  
horrible, it made every hair on her body stand on end. A sound so  
fearsome, she was frozen, unable to move.  
  
The originator of that hideous noise pawed at its new red-haired  
friend.  
  
Kitten: Mew?   
  
Ranko screamed in terror.  
  
  
(1) Which leaves what, exactly? Lukewarm?  
  
* * *  
  
Akane stumbled on a root. She knew it wasn't exactly safe running  
in the dark, but what other option did she have? Every second  
counted. The trees began to thin in front of her. She looked  
around.   
  
Some kind of clearing, with a lot of dead flowers in it. It looked  
like someone had been stamping them into the ground. She felt her  
cheeks burn at the kind of person who would do that; this was a  
place to sit and look at the flowers, and someone just *had* to go  
and spoil it for everyone else.   
  
Akane realized she was wasting time. She started to run again,  
forgetting about the scenery. It wasn't important.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko was soaking wet. And it was a cold evening. She shivered.   
Stupid cat. She looked around, but it was gone. She couldn't  
remember very much except running forward. Into the water. And  
half-remembered nightmares of a little kitten imitating her frantic  
leaps and screams, like it was some kind of stupid game (1). Ranko  
gnashed her teeth. Stupid brook. Except that she wasn't in it  
anymore. She looked more closely at her surroundings. She felt  
the sinking feeling that meant she was lost.  
  
Ranko was standing in a ceremonial rock garden. The stones were  
placed in just the right spot, with just the right colour and just  
the right shape. There was a sign next to it which said  
"Arrangements by Just The Right Company."   
  
Ranko looked at it. She picked up a stone at threw it at the sign.  
  
Ranma-chan: [throwing another stone] Stupid brook! [throwing  
another stone] Stupid cat! [throwing another stone] Stupid  
park! OW!   
  
She felt a sharp pain in her hand. She dropped the stone that had  
cut her, and it promptly fell on her foot. She yelped in pain.   
Looking down, she kicked the stone. It didn't move. Her toes, on  
the other hand, felt like they'd been bent backwards. Her foot was  
now in considerable pain. Ranko hopped on one leg while swearing  
wholeheartedly at the park, the brook, and life in general.  
  
  
(1) It was, to the kitten.   
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou came to a stream. There was a little kitten curled up in a  
ball and purring by the side. She glanced at it, at first with  
disregard, but then smiling nervously. It *was* cute. Of course,  
Ranma would never be caught dead near a cat, no matter how cute.   
  
Ukyou winced at her own choice of words. She turned to tell Ryoga  
to move on. He wasn't there. She put a hand to her forehead.   
Maybe this was all just a nightmare. She pinched herself.  
  
Ukyou: Ow!   
  
Ukyou sighed. She decided to keep going. Ryoga could take care of  
himself, after all. She had to find Ranma.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko was covered in mud, wet, cold, and limping. She was *not*  
happy. Ranko looked around at the woods with some trepidation.   
They looked dark and forbidding. Ranko heard a noise behind her.   
She spun around. What kind of pervert would be hanging around the  
woods at night? Obviously some creep who'd been lying in wait for  
a young girl just like Ranko...  
  
A woman wearing a kimono stepped out of the sylvan woods. She  
quickly stepped forward, past the stream which bubbled happily to  
her side. Glancing around the austere landscape, she cupped her  
hands to her mouth and called out.   
  
Woman: Umao, Umao, wherefore art thou Umao? (1)   
  
Then she ran back into the woods, vanishing without a trace.  
  
Ranko kicked a stone. Well, okay, maybe it wasn't a pervert. But  
then again, who could speak for someone who thought a cold, dark  
woods was romantic? She pushed her way into the trees. A branch  
was blocking her way. She punched it out of the way. It stretched  
and then snapped back, bark tearing at Ranko's clothes.   
  
Ranma-chan: Owwwww!  
  
  
(1) Umao and Ushino are the Japanese equivalent of Romeo and  
Juliet. They constantly appeared in Kimagure Orange Road as an in-  
joke (as well as a few fanfics).   
  
* * *  
  
Ryoga was lost.   
  
That really shouldn't have stopped him, but he decided to slow down  
anyways. He had to think. The whole night had been one confusion  
after another. After finally getting to the Nekohanten, he had  
excused himself to go to the bathroom. Then he found Akane. It  
was strange, he really should have asked Akane what she and Ukyou  
were doing in Shampoo's bathroom. But that wasn't really  
important. He brought his mind back to the present.   
  
He didn't really want to help Ranma...but...Akane *had* asked him  
to...Ryoga sighed. Well, he'd just have to work it out while he  
ran.   
  
Ryoga: Let's see. Ranma is my rival. But I don't want him to  
die...not really. And I'm not really *helping* him. I mean,  
not *really*. I'm just saving him so I can get my revenge.   
How could I beat him up if he dies?   
  
Ryoga thought about it. It still didn't seem right.  
  
Ryoga: Argh! I know what it's like to feel the pain of  
depression! How can I let anybody else, even Ranma, face it  
alone? All right then! For now, Ranma, I'll help you!   
  
Ryoga felt a burden lift from his shoulders as he made his  
decision. Around the same time, he felt the ground beneath his  
legs vanish.   
  
Ryoga: YIIIEEE!!! SPLASH  
  
* * *  
  
In the whole park, no one spot was so well-liked as the waterfall.   
A decade earlier a team of engineers and architects had flown in  
from Osaka to put together an artificial wonder of nature in the  
park, diverting the stream and placing rocks just so here and there  
to produce an instant waterfall.   
  
As a side effect it appeared too good to be true. Still, it was  
popular with children, young couples, lonely adults, and  
reminiscing elders. Which was to say, most people.   
  
Fish swam in the pool by it, and coins were thrown into the falls  
to make a wish that legends said came true. During the day the sun  
shone on the falling water, making it look like slowly falling  
crystal. By night, it was a breathtaking sight.   
  
Ranko walked up to the waterfall. She took out a 5-yen coin and  
flipped it into the water.   
  
Ranma-chan: I wish I could get in touch with my feminine side.  
  
Nothing happened. Ranko sighed. Well, it was worth a shot. A  
fish playfully jumped out of the water in front of her sullen face.  
  
It splashed her. She glared at it. Then she sighed again. This  
just wasn't working. She was wet, miserable, hungry, tired, cold,  
and aching. And she didn't feel one bit more feminine. Maybe she  
should just go back home. Her mother was probably worried sick.   
She sighed and turned around. And stopped in her tracks.   
  
She was standing face-to-face with Kuno.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane stopped at a rock garden. The beauty of it was lost on her  
at the moment, but she needed to rest. Besides, it looked like  
someone had messed it up already.   
  
Akane: [disgustedly] What a jerk.  
  
Akane's eyes widened at her words.   
  
Akane: Wait a second--a jerk? That could only be one person!   
I must be on the right track!  
  
She took off running like a rocket into the forest.  
  
A minute later, she came back and sheepishly started looking for a  
trail to follow.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko's first impulse was to pound Kuno into a pulp. Her second  
impulse was a little bit nicer; to talk to him and see what he  
wanted. Her third impulse was a masterpiece of idealism, a  
brilliant plan for world peace and happiness that, if implemented,  
would someday bring about a new golden age for humanity.   
Unfortunately for the world in general and Kuno in particular,  
Ranko had a tendency to listen to her instincts. By the time her  
third impulse was halfway finished describing what it wanted to do,  
Kuno was lying on the ground beaten into a pulp.  
  
Then Ranko had an idea. Ideas, like second and third impulses,  
generally had a hard time being heard in Ranko's mind. It was only  
after the fifth try that it managed to be heard. Ranko sat up and  
looked at Kuno.  
  
Ranma-chan: [sweetly] Kuno! Oh, Kuno darling?   
  
Kuno failed to respond. In fact, as Ranko looked closer, he seemed  
to be unconscious. She kicked him awake.   
  
Kuno opened his eyes blearily, trying to focus. In front of him  
were two pig-tailed girls, smiling at him as they danced around the  
edges of his vision. Kuno had never realized his love was a twin.   
Or should he say his loves were twins? Or perhaps, His love were  
twins? His loves had been twins?   
  
Ranko looked at Kuno. He was smiling crookedly up at her. She  
kicked him again, somewhat impatiently.  
  
Ranma-chan: HEY! KUNO!   
  
Kuno: Yes, my loves?   
  
Ranma-chan: Loves? Don't you mean...nahh. I don't really want to  
know.   
  
Ranko cleared her throat.   
  
Ranma-chan: Say Kuno--you're into that poetry stuff, right? So  
tell me about being feminine, okay?  
  
Kuno stood up. Ranko took a step backward out of instinct, which,  
as mentioned earlier, was a powerful force in her brain.  
  
Kuno: But my loves! Surely it is you who are masters of this  
subject, not I! Why do you tease me so--ah, I see...it is a  
test! A test to prove myself worthy of your love! Very well!   
I, Tatewake Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinken High, shall  
prove myself to you!   
  
Lightning flashed in the background. There was a distant scream,  
like someone being fried by electricity (1).  
  
Ranma-chan: Er...  
  
Kuno started to kneel before Ranko. Actually, he tried to kneel  
before both of them at once and failed miserably, ending up looking  
at Ranko from an angle.  
  
Kuno: "Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you  
are eternity, and you are the mirror." (2) Truer words ne'er  
were spoke, o my loves, for truly each of you as a rose apart.   
But together you are a garden of flowers, each more beautiful  
than the last.  
  
Ranma-chan: But...  
  
Kuno: The flower alone shall grow, bloom and die with loveliness  
untouched; but a garden shall live again each spring, shaped  
into beauty by loving and tender care. Left to the wild  
flowers shall never be appreciated, but cared for by one such  
as I the bloom of beauty would last even unto its twilight  
years.  
  
Kuno paused for breath.   
  
Ranma-chan: BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME BEING FEMININE?!  
  
Kuno gazed up at her, er, them.  
  
Kuno: Oh my loves...to be so innocent and pure, so that you cannot  
see what is obvious to others...truly is your beauty apparent  
to men, assure yourself. You are most beautiful, but as all  
things of beauty, there will be those scoundrels who, seeing  
a pureness their own souls cannot attain, will attempt to take  
from you by force. Know then that such infidels shall never  
find peace, for I, Takewake Kuno, called--  
  
Ranko kicked him in the stomach. It seemed to get him to shut up.  
  
Ranma-chan: Look, Kuno, I just need to know what 'feminine' is!  
  
Kuno: Ah, such a simple thing. It is you, my loves. For as the  
moon mirrors the light of the sun and shines where there is  
no--  
  
Ranma-chan: So I'm already feminine?  
  
Kuno: You are the essence of femininity, my loves! You are the  
moon, and the--  
  
Ranma-chan: But what IS feminine? The moon and the sun? That  
mirror thing?  
  
Kuno: The moon, and the stars, are all but pale reflections of the  
beauty in the sun which is yourselves. It is the light of  
your love that shines in my heart and warms me that lets me go  
on each day. For as the poet sayeth--  
  
Ranma-chan: ARRRRGGGGHHH!  
  
Ranko punted Kuno into the air. He silloheted the moon for an  
instant before disappearing into the darkness.  
  
Ranko sat down heavily on the ground. She sighed, looking up at  
the moon.  
  
Ranma-chan: I just don't get it. Everybody but me seems to  
understand. Why can't I?   
  
Ranko stood up, a determined look on her face. She would just have  
to go home and face the music (3).  
  
  
(1) In fact, *exactly* like someone being fried by electricity.  
  
(2) Quote taken from a poet called Gibran.  
  
(3) Quite literally. Nodoka had gotten into the habit of playing  
classical music before bed.  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou was angry at herself. She should have made some sort of  
signal to tell Akane and Ryoga where she was in case she found  
Ranma. Or if they did first. She hoped with all her heart one of  
the others had found him by now. It was getting so late. She  
sighed; now wasn't the time for self-recriminations. Not until  
Ranma was safe.  
  
She came out into a moonlit bridge. Two people were standing on  
it, holding hands. A man and a woman. They looked oddly familiar  
(1).  
  
Man: Mrs. Noodle...I...I brought you here because, well, whenever  
we try to talk alone...er...  
  
Ukyou: Um...excuse me? But have you seen...  
  
Woman: We get interrupted? Yes, Mr. Soup. I know. But was there  
something you wanted to tell me?  
  
Ukyou: Hello?  
  
Man: Yes...as a matter of fact, there is...  
  
Ukyou: Hey! Are you listening to me?  
  
Woman: Go on, Mr. Soup.  
  
Ukyou: [shouting] A girl with red hair! Have you seen her?  
  
Man: Well...I...have to ask you something, Mrs. Noodle.  
  
Ukyou: She's about [gesturing] this high, and probably looked  
depressed...  
  
Woman: Yes, Mr. Soup?  
  
Ukyou: Fine then! DON'T listen to me! See if I care!   
  
Man: Mrs. Noodle...will you...will you...  
  
Ukyou: But at least get out of the way! I need to cross the  
bridge!  
  
Woman: Will I...will I...?  
  
Ukyou: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of being ignored!   
  
Man: Will you marr--WHAM SCOOP THROW  
  
Ukyou's super spatula went out of it's holster and Mr. Soup went  
sailing down into the river. Ukyou reholstered her culinary device  
of destruction and calmly crossed the bridge. Mrs. Noodles looked  
down at Mr. Soup as he made splashdown.  
  
Woman: Oh! Mr. Soup!  
  
Ukyou vanished into the woods again.  
  
  
(1) To those who watch Urusei Yatsura, anyways. Again, an in-joke  
that kept popping up in the series.   
  
* * *  
  
Ranko wandered randomly, hoping to find a map. She began to think  
of ways to kill the people who designed the park. Couldn't they  
have made it easy to find your way through? At this rate, she'd  
never get out.   
  
Then she stopped and laughed at herself. She was starting to sound  
like Ryoga.   
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou tripped over something. No, make that someone. She looked  
down.   
  
Ukyou: [in surprise] Akane? What are you doing down th--  
  
Akane: Shhh!   
  
Akane pointed through the bushes.  
  
Ukyou looked in the direction Akane was pointing. She leaned  
forward. Ranko was walking towards them. Rather, Ranko was  
walking towards the bush they were hiding behind.  
  
Ukyou: Ranma? But--  
  
Ryoga tripped over Ukyou.   
  
Akane: [whispering] Ryoga! I thought you were lost!   
  
Ryoga: Akane? What are you doing down th--  
  
Ukyou: Shhh!  
  
Ukyou pointed through the bushes at Ranko.   
  
Akane: [whispering] It's Ranma!  
  
Ukyou: Say, does anybody else have a feeling of deja vu?  
  
Akane: [whispering] Never mind that! [looking at Ryoga] Hey!   
What happened to you? You're all wet!  
  
Ryoga: [blushing] Uh, I fell into a hot spring. Thank goodness.   
  
Ukyou: [incredulous] "Thank goodness"? You fell into a--what  
kind of idiot--  
  
Akane: [whispering] Keep your voice down! And don't pick on  
Ryoga!  
  
Ukyou: [whispering] Okay, okay. [she realizes something] Hey,  
Ryoga, if you fell into a spring, how come you're all burnt?  
  
Ryoga: [whispering] I got struck by lightning.  
  
Ukyou: [incredulous] Struck by lightning? Show me where there's  
a storm cloud in fifty miles of--   
  
Akane: [whispering frantically] SHH!! He's only a few feet away!  
  
Ukyou: [blushing and whispering] Oops. Sorry. Okay, on the  
count of three, we grab him. Okay?  
  
Akane and Ryoga nodded. They all fixed their gazes on their  
unsuspecting target.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko strolled along, glad to finally know where she was going.   
She actually wasn't all that far from home, now that she could see  
the big picture. That map she'd found had really come in useful.   
  
Ranko looked up from it. She was standing in front of some bushes.  
  
She had to turn right and go...  
  
Voice: THREE!!  
  
Ranko frowned. Three? Shouldn't that be 'fore'? Wait a second--  
who'd be golfing in the park at this time of--  
  
Ranko had about a quarter of a second to realize she was in trouble  
before Ryoga's umbrella hit her over the head and she fell into  
darkness.  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou looked at Ryoga with no little irritation.  
  
Ukyou: Ryoga, we said GRAB him! Where did knocking him  
unconscious come into it?  
  
Ryoga: [blushing] Er, I thought it'd be the best way to keep him  
from running away...?  
  
Akane looked up from where she was examining Ranko.   
  
Akane: C'mon you two, stop arguing. We'll carry her. She's not  
too heavy, and there's three of us. Now, do any of you have  
something to tie her up with?  
  
Ukyou: Tie her up? Why?  
  
Akane: So she won't run away, dummy! How would YOU react if  
somebody stopped you from committing suicide?  
  
A passing daydream of Ranma coming to his senses and declaring his  
love for Ukyou flashed through Ukyou's mind.  
  
Ukyou: Er...I'd thank them?  
  
Akane: Get real! He'll probably deny everything and the moment  
our backs are turned, run for the hills! You can't trust him  
when he's like this!  
  
Ukyou's daydream shattered. It started rebuilding, taking these  
new factors into account. First Ukyou would loving nurse him back  
to mental health, and *then* he'd realize his all-abiding love for  
Ukyou and ask her to marry him.  
  
Ukyou: Oh...I never thought of that.   
  
Akane: Well, that's why we're working together, right? But maybe  
we should be working *faster*?  
  
Ukyou: Oh, right. Anybody got some rope?  
  
Ryoga: Well...  
  
Akane: What's that, Ryoga? Do you have something we can use?  
  
Ryoga blushed.  
  
Ryoga: Well, I *do* have my bandannas...  
  
Ukyou: Oh please, Ryoga! We need about twenty feet of rope, at  
least! You'd have to have a hundred of those things!  
  
Ryoga shrugged and started to unwrap his bandanna. Underneath it  
was a second one. He took that one off. Underneath was a third.   
Underneath that, a fourth. And so on (1). He started handing out  
bandannas to Ukyou and Akane.  
  
Ukyou: Geez...I thought MOUSSE was supposed to be master of hidden  
weapons!  
  
  
(1) Like many Takahashi characters, Ryoga has some power over  
interdimensional spaces. Again like most Takahashi characters, his  
power comes only in ways that most people would consider useless.   
Ryoga's own ability seems to be to contain an unlimited number of  
bandannas on his head. Nobody really knows how many he's wearing,  
including Ryoga himself.   
  
* * *  
  
Two American tourists (1) looked at each other.  
  
First Tourist: Do you see what I see?  
  
Second Tourist: That depends. Do you see two girls and a guy  
tying up a redhead with orange and black bandannas?   
  
First Tourist: Actually, no. But that sounds a heck of a lot more  
interesting than the red-breasted swallow *I* saw.  
  
Second Tourist: Another exotic custom?  
  
First Tourist: Good thing we brought our cameras!  
  
Both took multiple pictures before moving on.  
  
  
(1) Remember, in anime all Americans are always either the bad  
guys or hopelessly confused. Which is why they're in a park at ten  
in the evening instead of somewhere warm (and well-lit). It's an  
unwritten rule. Of course, that's still better than my country is  
doing--when was the last time you saw a Canadian ANYTHING--person,  
place or thing--in an anime?  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko felt darkness. Well, not exactly. She couldn't really feel  
darkness. She just saw it. Then again, it's what she *wasn't*  
seeing that was the point, wasn't it? Or something?  
  
Ranko's thought processes were about as clear as radioactive mud  
and about as sharp as butter. Not a hot knife through butter,  
butter. However, it didn't take much to remember walking through  
the park, minding her own business and then getting mugged. Kinda  
like being in New York (1).  
  
Ranma-chan: [waking up] Mm...I wonder HEY!  
  
Akane: Oh, look who's awake. How are you feeling, Ranma?  
  
Ranko was in fact feeling rather sore, since she was tied up hand  
and foot by something she couldn't see, but that felt suspiciously  
like linen. She was also bruised in several places from being  
carried by several people, some of whom dropped her occasionally.   
Not to mention having a massive headache. Ranko, in her normal  
concise manner, summed up these thoughts.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm tied up!  
  
Akane: [sternly] That's right.  
  
Ranma-chan: Well, you don't have to sound so *cheerful* about it!   
  
Ukyou smiled at Ranko bravely.  
  
Ukyou: It's for your own good, Ranchan.  
  
Ranma-chan: What? You too, Ukyou? What is this, gang-up on Ranma  
day? I'm surprised Ryoga ain't here!  
  
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other, then back at Ranko. She was  
currently slung over Ryoga's shoulder. They decided not to tell  
her.  
  
Akane: Look, Ranma...we know you've been under a lot of stress  
lately...  
  
Ranma-chan: Yeah, yeah...  
  
Ukyou: And we know sometimes it's all too much to bear...  
  
Ranma-chan: Yeah, yeah...  
  
Akane: But that's no reason to kill yourself!  
  
Ranma-chan: [shrieking] WHAT?!?  
  
Ryoga: Surprised we knew about it, Ranma? You were completely  
obvious about it! You couldn't fool a baby if it was  
blindfolded!  
  
Ranma-chan: You're one to talk, you big--I don't believe this.   
Did you dopes really think I was gonna kill myself?  
  
Akane: Well, there was that suicide note...  
  
Ranma-chan: What are you talking about? You're crazy!  
  
Ryoga turned red.  
  
Ryoga: Ranma! How DARE you call Akane crazy!   
  
Seeing as how she was currently in a rather vulnerable position,  
Ranko decided to shut up while she was ahead (2).  
  
Ranma-chan: Okay! Okay! You're not crazy!   
  
Ukyou: So you admit you were going to kill yourself?  
  
Ranma-chan: AAARRRGGGHHH!  
  
Akane: [worried] I think he's losing it.   
  
Ukyou: [worried] Maybe we should hurry.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'M NOT LOSING IT!   
  
Akane: [to Ukyou] Mm-hm. Definitely.  
  
There was a sound from ahead. Everyone turned to look. It was the  
sort of sound that made you drop everything and cringe.   
Unfortunately, Ranko was 'everything'. She hit the ground with a  
thud that knocked the wind out of her. The sound was a laugh.   
An evil, insane laugh.  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! I see you've already done my work for me, Akane  
Tendo! But rest assured, pig-tailed witch, your day is yet to  
come! How dare you turn my Ranma against me? Me, the Black  
Rose?  
  
Akane and Ukyou: [flatly] Kodachi.   
  
Strangely, Ryoga turned deadly white. He started edging away from  
Ranko and pretended to be an innocent bystander. Ryoga looking  
inconspicuous is a joke. Anybody who saw Ryoga looking innocent  
would convict him of first degree murder on the spot. Luckily,  
nobody was looking in his direction.  
  
Kodachi: Very well! I will take this evil girl from you, and in  
return, I will spare you! OHOHOHO!  
  
Kodachi used the Incredible Observer Strike (3), grabbing the prone  
form of Ranko before anybody could react. She then leapt into the  
trees, Ranko's body flying behind her, her mouth forming a silent  
"help?" as Akane, Ukyou and (to some extent) Ryoga looked on in  
stunned fascination.  
  
  
(1) Okay, remember what I said about being Canadian? Well, this  
one's an American joke, so you *can* flame me on this one. It's  
part of your constitutional rights, just after bearing arms and  
just before bombing the heck out of Iraq.  
  
(2) If the girls had been thinking clearly, they would have  
realized that this was not normal behaviour for Ranma and been even  
more worried.  
  
(3) See the Ranma 1/2 Role-Playing Game (a fan supplement for  
White Wolf's Street Fighter Game or even White Wolf's World of  
Darkness Game) written by Rogan R. Hamby. It's very well thought  
out, but needs some playtesting (hint, hint). Essentially,  
the Incredible Observer Strike is the move Kodachi used in her  
Rhythmic Gymnastics tournament with Ranko, consisting of using the  
ribbon to grab an object or person and use THEM as weapons. In  
this case, slightly modified. If you're interested in picking up  
a copy of this fine game supplement (or better yet, the Happosai  
Totem Spirit for White Wolf's Werewolf: The Apocalypse) you can  
grab it at the Broken Mirror Homepage  
(http://199.222.128.14/students/rhamby/index.html). Tell Malkav  
that Dave sent you.   
  
* * *  
  
Kodachi stopped. Ranko looked at her hopefully. Then Kodachi  
laughed. Ranko's hopes plummeted like the cost of real estate  
after she moved into Nerima.   
  
Ranma-chan: Look, Kodachi...I know you're trying to help and  
all...but I'm not trying to kill myself! Really!   
  
Kodachi: Oh, is that so? Good! That way, you'll be more fun to  
torture! OHOHOHO! How DARE you? You wicked girl!  
  
Kodachi took out her ribbon.  
  
Ranma-chan: ME? You're calling *me* wicked? Take a look in the  
mirror, why don't y--EEK!  
  
Kodachi, satisfied at the effect of her ribbon snapping next to  
Ranko's left eye, smiled wickedly. And then snapped the ribbon  
again, this time closer. Ranko screamed in terror.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane and Ukyou turned, hearing the scream. They ran into a  
clearing. Strangely, Ranko and Kodachi were nowhere to be seen.   
  
Then Ranko screamed again, directly overhead. Akane looked up.   
Kodachi had wrapped Ranko up in her ribbon and was getting out a  
hoop. It looked sharp. Ranko was perched somewhat precariously on  
a tree branch. Akane stood there, trying to figure out what to do.  
  
Ukyou: HEY!   
  
Kodachi looked down.  
  
Ukyou: Yeah, YOU! The exhibitionist girl with the sadistic  
tendencies (1)! Give Ranchan back to us! She's ours!  
  
Kodachi sneered at them.  
  
Kodachi: Oh, really? Just try to take her from me!   
  
Kodachi's ribbon snaked out at Ukyou. Ukyou dodged out of the way,  
only barely in time. Kodachi laughed insanely. Ukyou rolled  
desperately on the ground, managing to dodge only some of the blows  
that stung like fire. Akane tried to avoid getting hit, but she  
too was struck twice. Akane decided she'd had enough. She grabbed  
ahold of the ribbon. In retrospect, not her brightest inspiration.  
  
It felt like she'd just grabbed hold of a red-hot poker. She  
gasped but managed to keep her grasp. She could feel Kodachi  
pulling it tight. She pulled back.   
  
Ukyou looked at the two enemies apparently playing a deadly version  
of 'tug-of-war', shrugged, got out a spatula, and cut the ribbon.   
Both Akane and Kodachi were braced for the effort. They fell  
backwards.   
  
Of course, Akane fell about five feet, whereas Kodachi fell off a  
tree branch.   
  
Akane and Ukyou quickly grabbed Ranko and ran. Ryoga shrugged and  
followed, leaving a groaning Kodachi in the dirt.  
  
  
(1) No, not Azusa. Although that fits her, too.  
  
* * *  
  
Ranko turned her head to look at Akane.  
  
Ranma-chan: Hey, Akane, look, I'm all better now! Really! You  
can let me go! I promise I won't kill myself!  
  
Ryoga: So you admit you WERE trying to kill yourself!  
  
Ukyou: I don't think it would be a good idea to believe anything  
he says.   
  
Akane: I've heard of people like this...Kasumi mentioned it, from  
some book she borrowed from Dr. Tofu...they'll say anything,  
promise anything, and then they'll break their word first  
chance they get.  
  
Ranma-chan: But I'm telling the truth! Honest!  
  
Ukyou: Sorry, Ranchan.  
  
Ranma-chan: Wait a second! Listen to yourself for a second. If  
I say I'm suicidal, you'll tie me up. If I say I'm not,  
you'll tie me up. I can't win!  
  
Akane: It's for your own good.   
  
Ukyou: And it's only for a little while.  
  
Ranma-chan: A little while? What's a little while?   
  
Ukyou: Oh, no more than...a month, tops.   
  
Ranma-chan: WHAT?!?  
  
Ukyou: Don't worry. We'll be there to help you with your problem.  
  
Ranma-chan: I don't have any problems!  
  
Akane: And I'll make dinner especially for you!  
  
Ranko turned pale.   
  
Ranma-chan: N-n-now, Akane. T-there's no need to make threats.   
I'll cooperate. I'll do anything! Please!  
  
Akane just looked at Ranko sadly.   
  
Akane: I'm sorry, Ranma. But I'm not going to listen to you  
anymore. I can't trust you.  
  
Ranma-chan: ARGH! You uncute tomboy!   
  
Akane: ...  
  
Ranma-chan: BAKA! Tomboy! Kawaiikune!   
  
Akane: [turning red] ...  
  
Ranma-chan: You're built like a brick, your thighs are too  
thick...  
  
Akane turned scarlet. Her hands twitched. She spun around, ready  
to pulverize Ranko. Ukyou grabbed her hands and looked at Akane  
sternly.  
  
Ukyou: Akane! Ranma can't help himself right now! It's not him  
talking, it's the disease!  
  
Akane: [angry] Grrr...I *guess* so...  
  
Ranma-chan: And I HATE okinomiyaki!   
  
Ukyou turned Ranko into road pizza with her mega-spatula. Akane  
smirked. Ranko just groaned.  
  
Ukyou: HOW DARE YOU!   
  
Akane: [smugly] Now, Ukyou. It's not Ranma talking. It's the  
disease.  
  
Ranma-chan: Ow. What disease? I ain't got any disease! And I'm  
NOT trying to kill myself! Stupid girl! You can't even kick!   
Your cooking makes me sick!  
  
Ryoga: Say, Ranma. Are you sure you're not sick?  
  
Ranma-chan: Of course not! I never get sick!   
  
Ryoga: ...Because, if you're not, Akane has no reason not to kill  
you herself.  
  
Ranma-chan: [mouth open] Uh...  
  
Ryoga: ...Not to mention the fact that you're tied up and can't  
run away...  
  
Ranma-chan: Uh...  
  
Ryoga: And then there's my revenge to consider...you know, I've  
always wanted an opportunity like this...  
  
Ranma-chan: I'm sick! I'm sick! Hoo-BOY am I sick! Yes sir,  
sick as a puppy (1)!  
  
Akane: That's better, Ranma. Admitting you have a problem is the  
first step on the long road to recovery.  
  
Ranko groaned.   
  
  
(1) Actually, this expression doesn't make any sense to me, but my  
mom uses it, so it *must* mean something. Or not.   
  
* * *  
  
With Ranko silent, the trek homewards passed inexorably. Well, for  
about fifteen seconds, anyways. Still, it doens't usually last  
that long in this series.   
  
There was a rustle from the bushes ahead. Out stepped a familiar-  
looking azure-haired Amazon (1).  
  
Shampoo: Nihao! Shampoo come to get groom from pervert girl and  
not-nice girl!  
  
Akane: You can't have him!   
  
Ukyou: Who are you calling 'Not-nice girl'?  
  
Ranma-chan: [sarcastic] ...And her handsome sidekick, Pig-boy.  
  
Shampoo: If pervert girl tries to stop Shampoo, Shampoo kill!   
  
Akane: Oh YEAH? Just try it!  
  
Ukyou: [pleading] Can't we all just be friends?  
  
Akane and Shampoo: SHUT UP!  
  
Ukyou: No! [to Akane] Whose side are you on, anyways? [spinning  
around 180 degrees to Shampoo] Look, Shampoo, lemme ask you  
a question. Why do you want Ranma anyways?  
  
Shampoo: Ranma beat Shampoo in fight. Amazon law--  
  
Ukyou: No, no, no. I mean, why NOW?  
  
Shampoo: Oh! Shampoo have wedding!   
  
Everybody: WHAT?  
  
Shampoo sighed wistfully as her eyes misted up.  
  
Shampoo: Ranma and Shampoo wedding. Shampoo beautiful bride,  
Ranma tell her he love her...  
  
Akane: And just HOW were you thinking of getting him to go along  
with this?  
  
Shampoo: Groom have no choice! He all tied up right now.  
  
Ukyou: AH-HA!  
  
Shampoo: [startled] "Ah-ha"?  
  
Ukyou elbowed Akane in the ribs and pointed to the stream  
discretely.  
  
Ukyou: By your OWN laws, the groom has to beat you in a fight,  
right?  
  
Akane got to the stream. She looked at it uncomprehendingly.   
  
Shampoo: [blinking] So?  
  
Ukyou gestured frantically at the water, then motioned towards  
Shampoo. Akane brightened.  
  
Ukyou: SO...what are people going to say if the groom has been  
captured by the bride?  
  
Shampoo's eyes went wide.  
  
Shampoo: AIYAA! Shampoo not think of that! What Shampoo do?!  
  
Ukyou: NOW, Akane!  
  
Shampoo straightened.  
  
Shampoo: Ah ha! Shampoo no worry, because--SPLASH--meow.  
  
Ranko screamed and tried to slither away. Ukyou picked up the now-  
wet cat and smiled at it in a way that Kodachi would have killed to  
be able to duplicate.  
  
Shampoo-Neko: [worried] Mrrow?  
  
Ukyou tossed Shampoo into the air, then got out her mega-spatula.   
Catching the cat on its return fall, she shunted it off in a  
ninety-degree angle towards the stream. There was a splash.   
  
Voice: Akane Tendo, you disappoint me. Is water your answer to  
everything?  
  
Akane: Who...?  
  
Everyone turned around. It was Mousse. Wearing his glasses, for  
a change. He stood, head down, his arms folded into his sleeves.   
  
Mousse: You get rid of all your enemies with water. But are  
life's problems so easily solved? You only make things worse  
by not dealing with the root of your problems. Akane Tendo,  
the Jhusenkyo curses should be treated with respect, not the  
careless whim you seem to believe. Remember that in a  
different life, it could be you who is cursed and not Shampoo.  
  
Ryoga: Hear, hear!  
  
Everyone turned to look at Ryoga. He tried to turn invisible and  
failed. He knew he should have paid more attention in Sorcery 101.   
He tried the next best thing.  
  
Ryoga: Er, I meant I agree with Mousse. Using water doesn't solve  
anything.  
  
Akane was shocked. Ryoga had never, ever sided against her before.  
  
Akane: Ryoga!   
  
Mousse cleared his throat.  
  
Mousse: Or Ranma! Yes, even this sorry wretch is cursed and  
deserves your pity. Do you think his problems are made any  
less for his human form? Remember why he hides from his  
mother, Akane Tendo, before you throw water on him again for  
petty revenge. 'An eye for an eye leaves the whole world  
blind'.  
  
Akane: [shocked] Mousse...  
  
  
(1) No, not Azusa. That was azure, not azusa. Besides, she's not  
even in this story.   
  
* * *  
  
Elsewhere, the Japanese Ministry of Wildlife was meeting in an  
emergency session.  
  
First Man: ...And then we were able to track down a few and place  
radio-tags on them.   
  
Second Man: And what have you found?  
  
First Man: The entire Chinese Peking Duck population seems to have  
migrated to...uh...  
  
Woman: To where?   
  
First Man: ...Nerima city park.  
  
Second Man: WHAT?   
  
First Man: I can't explain it, sir. It's almost like they're  
being controlled by someone.  
  
Woman: I don't think I need to tell any of you that the Minister  
is quite perturbed over the situation. His Chinese  
counterpart called him up and yelled at him for 'stealing  
China's precious national resources'. The Minister wants us  
to get them back to China A.S.A.P.  
  
First Man: We already have our agents tracking down the radio-  
tagged ducks. It's only a matter of time before they fall  
into our hands.  
  
* * *  
  
Everyone stood, silent and still as statues, as if painted people  
in a picture.  
  
Ukyou was the first to break the silence.  
  
Ukyou: [awed] Wow. You sounded almost...  
  
Mousse: [yelling] And now I will kill Ranma!  
  
Chains and spikes flew out of his sleeves, entangling everybody.   
Luckily, most of them hit the immobile Ranko. Ranko was soon  
covered head to toe.  
  
Ukyou: [flatly] ...too good to be true.   
  
Akane: WHAT? After all that talk!?  
  
Mousse: I have heard this day with my own ears that the hateful  
Ranma Saotome is eloping with my Shampoo! How dare he!  
  
Akane glared at Ranko. Ranko sweated in her chains.   
  
Ukyou: Look, Mousse. I don't know who told you that, but they  
were lying.  
  
Mousse: Kodachi heard it straight from Ranma!  
  
Akane turned angrier. Ranko tried to smile. He looked at Ukyou.   
She was avoiding looking at him. She looked quite calm, actually.   
She stepped over him to speak with Mousse. On the way, she kicked  
Ranko in the stomach. Hard.  
  
Ranma-chan: [breathlessly] Oof! [whispering] I didn't! I'm  
not! You gotta believe me!  
  
Ukyou: [sweetly] Well, I think she must have misheard.  
  
Mousse: Perhaps. But even so, I must defend my beloved Shampoo!  
  
Akane: Do *you* see Shampoo here, Mousse?  
  
Mousse: Of course! She's right there!   
  
Mousse pointed. Everyone obligingly turned around to see. Mousse  
was pointing at a fountain.   
  
Ukyou: [trying hard to be calm] Mousse, that's a fountain.  
  
Mousse: No more tricks! I WILL KILL HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS!!  
  
Ukyou used her mega-spatula to ward off the raging Mousse.   
  
Ukyou: Whoa! Now, sugar, it sounds like you got something more  
than a simple bone to pick with Ranma-honey.  
  
Akane: How could you possibly hate someone so much?  
  
Mousse: You really want to know?  
  
Ukyou: Yep.  
  
Mousse: All right.  
  
Mousse composed himself and looked down at the ground.  
  
Mousse: It all started days ago, when I was flying over the Tendo  
dojo. I had just been rejected by Shampoo, and was thinking  
about her when a rock flew up at me. Looking down, I saw the  
culprit--Ranma! My glasses fell off, and I nearly crashed.   
Flying desperately, I accidentally flew out to sea. Lacking  
any idea of direction, I kept flying until I found land. On  
the other side of the Pacific!! There, I was nearly cooked  
and eaten! Then I managed to fly back, but because I was so  
tired, I was found by some bird-watchers who took me to Hong  
Kong! I managed to fly back here, but not without causing a  
mass migration of my species--who are now all avidly following  
me! I'm just lucky they sleep at night. But that wasn't the  
end of my troubles! I came back--only to be radio-tagged by  
some scientists, because my species had flown here! And then  
I managed to turn back, only to be beaten up by some old  
ladies at a restaurant! But then YOU turned me into a duck  
again! Heroically, I found the Cat Cafe, but I was hit by a  
car, where some unscrupulous man found me and sold me to a  
delicatessen! Where Ranma found me! But he just laughed in  
evil glee at my impending demise and left me to rot! Only  
thanks to the pure heart of a stranger was I freed and changed  
back to my human form. And so here I am to take my revenge!   
NOW do you see why I hate him so much? (1)  
  
Mousse turned to his audience. They stood perfectly still.   
  
Mousse: I asked you a question!  
  
They said nothing.  
  
Mousse: I demand an answer!  
  
They didn't react.  
  
Mousse: I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!  
  
Mousse put his glasses back on to aim his attack properly. He  
stopped, dumbfounded. He was facing four scarecrows. He whirled  
around. Far in the distance, he could see three shapes. No, make  
that four - one was being carried by the others. Mousse snarled.   
  
Mousse: SAOTOME!! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!   
  
  
(1) If you managed to read all the way through that speech without  
falling asleep, you have my congratulations.   
  
* * *  
  
Everyone paused, hearing a shout behind them.  
  
Ukyou: Uh-oh, I think he's figured it out. We better run.  
  
Ranma-chan: I still want to know where you found the scarecrows  
(1).   
  
Akane hit Ranko on the head.  
  
Akane: Shut up and save your breath for running!   
  
Ranko gave her a flat stare as she was carried along by Ryoga, tied  
up securely. Akane got a bead of sweat on her head as she realized  
what she had said.  
  
Overhead, a white streak flashed by. Everyone ducked, expecting  
some kind of crazy contraption. They were half right. It was  
Mousse. He advanced on them again from the front.  
  
Mousse: Ha! That's the last time I let myself fall into one of  
your traps!  
  
Mousse attacked, focusing on Ryoga since he was carrying Ranko.   
Ryoga looked at Mousse attacking. Then he looked down at Ranko.   
Ranko looked at Ryoga, sensing his mood and smiled nervously at  
him. Ryoga shrugged and dropped Ranko.  
  
Ryoga: Whoops. Gee, I'm sorry, Ranko.   
  
Ranma-chan: [yelling] You're not sorry at all! You did that on  
purpose, you pig!   
  
Mousse grabbed Ranko and jumped away.   
  
Akane: Not ANOTHER chase! I can't take any more running!  
  
Ukyou: I've got an idea. Play along, Akane.   
  
Ukyou cleared her throat. She started calling out to Mousse in  
broken Japanese.   
  
Ukyou: [high-pitched] Mousse! Where you going?  
  
Mousse stopped in his tracks. He looked back uncertainly.  
  
Mousse: Shampoo? Is that you?   
  
Ukyou: How can Mousse run off with another woman when he has  
Shampoo?  
  
Mousse started running back to Ukyou.  
  
Mousse: Shampoo! You *do* love me!!  
  
He leaped for joy. Akane's kick caught him around the high point  
of the leap. Mousse fell down, unconscious. Ranko fell onto the  
ground and rolled. She groaned.  
  
Voice: How exquisite a kick; how exquisite the lady. Though it  
might have been unfair, your heart was noble. I can fault you  
not one bit, my love (2).  
  
Everybody: [flatly] Kuno.  
  
  
(1) So do I, but it moved the plot along, didn't it?  
  
(2) Did anyone *not* guess who this was?  
  
* * *  
  
Akane and Ukyou turned around to face this new threat. Not that  
Kuno really counts as a threat on his best day, but Akane and Ukyou  
were tired from running and fighting all night.   
  
Kuno raised his bokken high into the air in challenge and started  
to speak plainly and clearly in a deep, serious voice.  
  
Kuno: I can hold no enmity to those concerned with evil. But to  
those vile beings who toy with the souls of men, since the  
time of the ancient gods, we have been your destroyers.   
Mamono Hunter 110th generation, Kuno Tatewake is here, bew--  
wait a second. That doesn't sound right.  
  
Everyone just stared at him. Kuno was making less sense than  
normal. Kuno pulled two pieces of paper from his sleeve. He  
looked at the two and then coughed into his hand.  
  
Kuno: Sorry, wrong speech.   
  
He cleared his throat.  
  
Kuno: As I was saying, though my heart is torn between two--  
possibly three loves, I must also follow my head and not my  
heart. As a samurai, it is my duty to help all those who are  
oppressed, all those in need of aid. None here can deny me  
that right.  
  
Everyone simultaneously opened their mouths. Kuno overrode them.  
  
Kuno: Though I long for the graceful Akane, she is acting most  
untoward this night. And while the pig-tailed twins are often  
ethereal and confusing, they too are very real in my heart.   
Though I cannot stand to attack my love Akane, it is my duty  
to free the pig-tailed girl and her sister.  
  
Everyone looked at Kuno, trying to figure out if he had brain  
damage. That is, more than usual. That was a mistake. It gave  
Kuno time to breathe (1).  
  
Kuno: That most dastardly of all villains, Ranma Saotome, is not  
here. Yet I can sense his evil presence pervading all here  
tonight! That malefactor is an enemy of all women! He alone  
among all men deserves Hell! He shall be beaten to an inch of  
his life! He is cruel! He is cowardly! He is all that is  
evil! Who will shake off their spell and join me in defeating  
him?  
  
Ryoga: YEAH! I will!  
  
Ukyou grabbed Ryoga by the shirt.   
  
Ukyou: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
  
Ryoga: I said, yeah, I'll help him...oh.  
  
Kuno: Then die! Strike strike strike strike strike strike!   
  
Kuno ran forward, his bokken clearing a path for him. Akane  
stepped in his way. He stopped in his tracks.  
  
Kuno: Ah, my love, I see that you see the error of your ways and  
wish to surrender. Very well, I will DATE with thee--WHAM  
  
Akane shook her head at Kuno, who was rapidly disappearing from  
view in the sky. He never changed.   
  
  
(1) Letting Kuno breathe is considered a mistake at any time, not  
to mention a breach of etiquette.   
  
* * *  
  
The bushes ahead rustled. Everybody stopped.  
  
Akane: AAAGGGHHH! THAT'S IT!   
  
Akane grabbed a mallet out of Hammerspace. She gestured with it  
threateningly. Everybody ducked who was able to. Ranko got hit on  
the head with a back swing.  
  
Ranma-chan: WHAM Urk!  
  
Akane: WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! COME ON OUT! Who is it this  
time? Cologne? Happosai? Mikado and Azusa (1)? I can take  
'em!  
  
A gorgeous man in a tiger-striped bodysuit ran out of the bushes  
and landed on Ukyou.  
  
Rei: Will...you...cook...for...me...  
  
Ukyou looked at him. He was a hunk. No, he was a dreamboat. He  
was the absolute perfect man. Well, except for his lack of  
language skills. But she could work on that. And she was a great  
cook! She hugged him happily.  
  
Ukyou: Of course I will!   
  
Ranma-chan: Hey!   
  
Rei: [struggling with her] For...the...rest...of...your...life?   
  
Ukyou: [happily] Is that a proposal? Yes! Yes!  
  
Ranma-chan: WHAT?!?   
  
Rei finally managed to win free and ran smack into Akane.   
  
Rei: Will...you...cook...for...WHAM  
  
Rei flew into the air with a swing of a mallet.   
  
Akane: Get out of here, you pervert!   
  
Ranko looked at Ukyou. Ukyou seemed to shake her head, and then  
looked over at him.  
  
Ukyou: Oh...why was I acting like that? I just couldn't  
help...AHH! Ranchan! I'M SO SORRY!! Please, Ranchan, you  
know I wouldn't ever do that to you!  
  
Akane: You just did.  
  
Ukyou: It was some kind of magic! It made me forget about Ranma!  
  
Ryoga: So why wasn't Akane affected then?  
  
Ukyou: Er...because she's such a tomboy, the spell thought she was  
a guy. Yeah, that's it.  
  
Akane: HEY!  
  
Ranma-chan: ...I can accept that. Okay.   
  
Akane: HEY!!  
  
The aforementioned mallet found a new resting place in Ranko's  
skull.  
  
  
(1) You see, *now* you could ask "Azusa?".  
  
* * *  
  
Ukyou, Akane and Ryoga ran with Ranko trussed up as a prize turkey.  
  
Reaching the top of a hill, Akane called a halt to see where they  
were.   
  
Akane: I think I can see the dojo from here! We're almost home,  
guys!  
  
Ukyou: Akane, do you think it would be such a good idea to take  
Ranma-honey back to your house?  
  
Akane: [angry] Of *course* it's a good idea! [pause] Why?  
  
Ukyou: Well, because Ranchan's mom might wonder why Ranko's being  
brought in tied up.   
  
Ranma-chan: Tied up, covered in chains, ribbons, mud, assorted  
stones, tired, hungry, and surrounded by three raving lunat--  
OOF.  
  
Ryoga stood up from where he had elbowed Ranko.   
  
Ryoga: I think Akane is right. We have to take her to the dojo;  
your okinomiyaki-ya is too far away, Ukyou.  
  
Ukyou: [incredulous] *You're* telling me what's too far away?   
*You*?   
  
Akane: C'mon, guys! We don't have all night!  
  
Ranma-chan: [bored] ...Some of us, anyways.  
  
Just then, there was a rustle from the bushes. Nobody waited this  
time. Rocks, branches, spatulas, mallets, and medium-size boulders  
were launched in the general direction of the rustling foliage.   
  
Mousse: [popping out of the bushes] Saotome, now you will DI--  
WHAM POW SMASH RIP CRASH SMACK THUD CRUNCH  
  
Mousse fell over, struck by no less than two dozen various  
projectiles. Then Akane felt something coming at her from behind  
and dodged, just barely in time. A bonbori flew past, connected to  
a by-now familiar amazon girl from China (1).  
  
Shampoo was not alone. With her were Kuno and Kodachi. All three  
were in excellent positions to strike. Akane, Ukyou and Ryoga  
hurriedly got into defensive postures while Kodachi and Shampoo  
bragged, giving away their advantage.  
  
Shampoo: Ha! Pervert-girl fooled by decoy!  
  
Akane: You used Mousse as a decoy? How cruel can you get?!  
  
Shampoo: What *else* use duck for?  
  
Kodachi: Never mind that! We're here--  
  
Kuno: To free the pig-tailed girl--  
  
Shampoo: And beat Akane senseless--  
  
Mousse: [weakly] And get rid of Ranma!  
  
Kodachi frowned at Mousse. Mousse turned pale. She sent a razor  
hoop flying at him. He yelped and ducked. It missed him. He  
breathed in a sigh of relief for the one point five seconds before  
the tree branch above him, cut at the stem, fell on his head.  
  
Akane ran forward to engage Kodachi while Ukyou attacked Shampoo.   
Ryoga stood there looking confused while Kuno attacked him. Then  
Ryoga got mad and kicked Kuno into a tree without breaking a sweat.  
  
Kodachi: [to Akane] OHOHOHOHO! OHOHOHO! Hello my dear, I'm  
Kodachi and I'll be your worst nightmare for this evening.   
How would you like to surrender, now or after I beat you  
senseless?  
  
Kodachi attacked Akane mercilessly. Ribbons snapped in her face  
and in the air, keeping her from attacking. She tried desperately  
to shield her face and hands, but it wasn't working. She knew she  
was being driven backwards, but she couldn't figure out a way of  
stopping Kodachi's terrible attack. She stumbled as she hit a tree  
root. She fell over, yelping in surprise. Kodachi grinned evilly  
and prepared her 'blow-of-a-thousand-clubs' special manuever.  
  
Suddenly, as all seemed lost for Akane, a blue form interposed  
itself between the two girls as a yellow and black blur headed  
towards the unstable acrobat with the speed of a freight train.   
Kodachi hesitated, uncertain. Then she realized the danger she was  
in and launched her deadly attack. Ryoga slammed into her, sending  
clubs flying all over the hill. He slumped down, struck by dozens  
of her clubs. She fell over, unconscious. Kuno was also  
unconscious, struck by the blows meant to hurt his beloved Akane.  
  
Ukyou was having trouble with Shampoo, who was using her bonbori  
most effectively against Ukyou's spatula. Ukyou was guarding  
Ranko--which was Ryoga's job, she grumbled--and had a lot less room  
to manuever in than Shampoo did. She threw a spatula at Shampoo's  
feet. It dug into the dirt before her. Shampoo tripped. Ukyou  
took a step back, bringing her mega-spatula to bear.   
  
Ukyou: Batter's-up!  
  
Her mega-spatula cleaved the air where Shampoo was. Except that  
Shampoo wasn't there any more. Ukyou spun, knowing she was already  
too late, catching a glimpse of blue out of the corner of her  
eye...  
  
And nothing. She finished her spin. Shampoo was lying on the  
ground. Ukyou looked up at Akane.   
  
Akane: While she was busy sneaking up on you, I snuck up on her.   
  
Ukyou smiled. Then Kuno's bokken nearly cut her in two. She and  
Akane leapt out of the way. Shampoo got back up again. Mousse  
suddenly arose from behind her and glomped onto Shampoo.  
  
Mousse: Shampoo!  
  
Shampoo beat Mousse senseless. Once again, the match was on, one-  
on-one. Then Akane heard Kodachi get up behind them and felt her  
heart sink.  
  
Ukyou heard the same thing and turned around. She noticed  
something was wrong. It hit her like a ton of feathers (2).  
  
Ukyou: Ranchan's gone!!  
  
Everyone turned. Ranko was indeed gone. But she wasn't gone far.   
Slightly down the hill, she was rolling slowly down in the only  
movement she was capable of. She seemed to realize something was  
wrong and looked up. She started rolling desperately. This seemed  
to trigger something inside everybody watching, and suddenly  
everyone shook off their lethargy and started running after her.  
  
Ukyou managed to get into the lead. She let Akane pass, then put  
her mega-spatula down at knee height. Kuno tripped over it,  
crashing into Kodachi, who leapt above the spatula but hadn't  
prepared for a flying idiot at 6 o'clock. The two of them hit  
Shampoo, who had much practice avoiding flying idiots with Mousse  
around but hadn't counted on an airbourne acrobat. The three  
tangled in midair, rolling into a ball. Mousse, lagging behind,  
started chasing the Shampoo-ball rather than Ranko. He heard  
Shampoo scream in confusion and acted on reflex, firing dozens of  
chains from his robes. For once, he managed to hit his target; the  
Shampoo-ball was hit several times. Unfortunately, Mousse didn't  
have the strength or mass to stop the downhill momentum of an  
object containing not one, not two but *three* teenage martial  
artists. After a split-second struggle, Mousse was thrown into the  
air violently, still connected to the rolling ball by his chains.   
  
Akane and Ukyou didn't notice any of this. They just ran towards  
Ranko and hoped the others weren't too close behind. Actually, if  
they had bothered to look behind them, they would have *really*  
been running. There are very few things in this world more  
terrifying than having a mixed Shampoo-Kodachi-Kuno ball rolling  
towards you, whipping Mousse around itself as it lumbers downhill.   
  
Ranko realized she had lost control. She started rolling faster  
and faster down the hill. She also realized it was a rather  
uncomfortable mode of transportation, especially when she hit the  
big, sharp rocks that seemed to be a lot more common than she had  
remembered. Maybe she should have thought of that before she  
started (3). She reached the ground first. Unfortunately, she  
didn't get very far. She came to a halt on Main Street. Right in  
the middle of the road.  
  
Ranko screamed as cars honked desperately and swerved around her  
for all of about two seconds before Akane and Ukyou reached her,  
each grabbing one end of her without pausing. Ranko yelped.  
  
Ranma-chan: Ow! Hey, couldn't you be a bit more gentle?  
  
Ranko turned around a bit. Behind them, she saw Kuno, Kodachi,  
Shampoo and Mousse chasing them on foot. They looked more than a  
little angry, not to mention bruised in a number of delicate places  
(4). And they were catching up. In a flash of wisdom that only  
comes after near-death experiences, Ranko decided to shut up until  
behind a locked door (5). Preferably one with steel plating.   
  
Kuno: Surrender the pig-tailed girl!  
  
Kodachi: Nobody insults the Black Rose like that!  
  
Mousse: You will pay for what you did to my Shampoo!  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo KILL!  
  
Make that titanium. For some reason, Akane got a second wind.   
Looking over at Ukyou, she saw the okinomiyaki girl speed up as  
well.  
  
Akane turned back around. She saw the dojo up ahead! In a sprint,  
she and Ukyou ran through the gates and threw Ranko to the ground.   
They slammed the doors on the foursome chasing them.   
  
  
(1) I told you, Azusa isn't *in* the story! Stop bugging me!  
  
(2) C'mon, Ukyou's the nicest and sweetest of all Ranma's  
fiancees and certainly the only character with any empathy  
whatsoever. She doesn't deserve to be hit with a ton of bricks.   
Nobody does. Except maybe Azusa. Besides, they weigh the same  
anyways, so what's your beef?  
  
(3) But then again, this is Ranma we're talking about.   
  
(4) Their ankles, stomachs and necks, of course. Where did you  
*think* I meant?  
  
(5) This just goes to prove my point about Ranma being sick.  
  
* * *  
  
Up on a lonely, starlit hill, a lone figure staggered to his feet.  
  
Ryoga: Akane?   
  
Nobody answered.  
  
Ryoga: Ukyou?  
  
Ryoga got desperate.  
  
Ryoga: Ranma? Kuno? Shampoo?  
  
Ryoga never considered calling out for Kodachi; he wasn't *that*  
desperate. He looked around him. Well, there obviously had been  
a battle fought here, as shown by the spatulas sticking out of  
trees, the gymnastic clubs littering the ground and the remains of  
a wooden bokken next to a rock. Of course, that could be pretty  
much anywhere in Nerima. Or, come to think of it, China. Not to  
mention Saudi Arabia. He always seemed to do this.  
  
Ryoga: WHERE THE HECK AM I NOW?  
  
End of Part Five  



	7. Part Six

  
* * *  
  
  
Part Six  
  
  
* * *  
  
Various yells, screams of pain and curses came from the other side  
of the locked gates that Kuno, Shampoo, Mousse and Kodachi had  
reached. Lights started going on around the neighbourhood as  
people woke up from the noise.  
  
Ukyou: Okay, now what?  
  
Akane: We have to get him inside without his mom noticing.  
  
Ukyou looked at her. Then at she just cocked her head and listened  
to the cacophony for a moment.   
  
Ukyou: I think we've lost the element of surprise.   
  
Akane blushed as she looked around.  
  
Ukyou: What say we make a run for it?   
  
Akane: Okay! [pause] ...But where to?  
  
Ukyou: You mean you don't know!?  
  
Nabiki stepped out of the dojo.   
  
Nabiki: Put her in Akane's room.  
  
Akane: WHAT!? Why *my* room?  
  
Ranma-chan: Yeah, why her room?  
  
Nabiki smirked.  
  
Nabiki: Because, Akane, it's the last place anybody would look for  
Ranko.  
  
Akane ground her teeth but realized Nabiki's logic was sound. Much  
to Ranko's disgust, Nabiki insisted she be gagged before bringing  
her inside. The three girls carried her up to Akane's room. Mrs.  
Saotome opened her door and looked out.   
  
Nodoka: Girls? Is that you, Akane? Is Ranko with you?  
  
Akane yelped and threw Ranko inside, slamming the door shut behind  
her. Ranko hit the desk with a jarring thud and saw stars. But  
she stayed awake this time. It was about time something went her  
way.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane leaned against her door protectively, not a little afraid.   
Ukyou was similarly nervous. Nabiki just smiled at Mrs. Saotome,  
completely calm. Then again, she had been paid in advance.  
  
Akane: Oh, h-hello, auntie!   
  
Nodoka: Welcome back, dear. I hope your party was a success?  
  
Akane stared blankly at Mrs. Saotome. Ukyou elbowed her and  
pointed at Nabiki, who was nodding at them.  
  
Akane: Party? What p--oh, *that* party. It was wonderful!   
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled.  
  
Nodoka: That's good to hear. Oh, hello dear. It's Ukyou, isn't  
it?  
  
Ukyou smiled uneasily. Akane stepped in front of her.  
  
Akane: That's right! She's, uh, sleeping over!  
  
Ukyou blinked in surprise. So did Nabiki.   
  
Nodoka: You should really try to give us some warning, dear. It's  
past ten in the evening! Will she be sleeping with you, dear?  
  
Akane's jaw dropped. Then her eyes narrowed at Ukyou, seeing no  
way out of it.  
  
Akane: [through clenched teeth] Why yes, auntie Saotome. She'll  
be sleeping in my room.   
  
Nabiki covered a smile. Ukyou looked at Akane as if she would  
rather sleep with Happosai, but said nothing. She didn't have to.   
Her look said it all (1).  
  
Nodoka: Well, dear, since you were out, I saved dinner for you.   
Won't you and your friend come and eat with me?  
  
Akane: Uh...sure.  
  
Akane smiled faintly at Mrs. Saotome, who beamed back at her.   
  
  
(1) Notice the wording, "as if". *Nobody* wants to sleep with  
Happosai. Not even as a fraternity prank. Not even Kodachi.   
  
* * *  
  
Akane grumbled. Nabiki had already eaten, so she was upstairs.   
She wanted to have a long talk with her sister about "contract  
infringement" when this was all over. Ukyou smiled, trying to  
think of something to say to Mrs. Saotome.  
  
Nodoka poured them both tea and sat down as they started eating.  
  
Nodoka: Dear, where is Ranko? It's not like her to be this late.   
  
Akane and Ukyou both sweated.   
  
Akane: Er...you see...  
  
Ukyou: It's like this...  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at the two prevaricating girls. She stopped  
smiling and her eyes narrowed dangerously.  
  
Nodoka: Akane? Where is Ranko?  
  
Akane: Uh...she's...uh...  
  
Ukyou held her head and screamed.  
  
Ukyou: AIE! I can't take it anymore! I'll tell you! I'll tell  
you!  
  
Akane looked at Ukyou in shock for a split second before deciding  
Ukyou had snapped under the pressure. She desperately started  
speaking.  
  
Akane: Ah...ha. Ah ha ha ha, Ukyou, you're such a kidder, now why  
don't you just GO HOME NOW, and we can sleep over some other  
day?  
  
Nodoka: No, no. I'm interested in what Ukyou has to say. Go on,  
dear.   
  
Akane felt her heart sinking.   
  
Ukyou: Ranko made me promise not to tell, but I have to! She's...  
she's--  
  
Akane: UKYOU, NO! THINK OF RANMA!  
  
Ukyou: She's at her boyfriend's!  
  
Both Akane and Ranma's mother's jaws fell to the floor  
simultaneously.   
  
Akane: [shocked] She...she what?  
  
Nodoka: [shocked] Oh my goodness!  
  
Ukyou: I'm sorry, Ranko...but I just can't tell a lie!  
  
Nodoka: [shocked] How--how forward! My goodness! We have to  
stop her!  
  
Akane: [indignant] Yeah! What kind of girl *is* she, anyways!?   
  
Ukyou looked at Akane with her 'are-you-dumb-or-what' expression  
(1). Realization slowly set in on Akane. She blushed a deep  
crimson down to her toes. Mrs. Saotome calmed down somewhat.  
  
Nodoka: [obviously trying to convince herself] Well...I  
suppose...it *is* her life, after all. And besides, it's nice  
she has a boyfriend. [looking up] Say, who *is* her  
boyfriend, anyways? Is he an honourable lad?  
  
Ukyou: Uh...what a good question, isn't it, Akane?  
  
Akane: [snapping back at her] Don't you put that one on me!  
  
Mrs. Saotome brightened.  
  
Nodoka: Oh! I know! She managed to snare Ryoga, is that it?  
  
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other. Then they turned back to  
Mrs. Saotome.  
  
Akane and Ukyou: RYOGA?  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled at them.  
  
Nodoka: Yes! It all makes sense now. Of course, she's been  
trying so hard recently, she must have finally used the  
methods I taught her. I never thought she'd be successful so  
soon!  
  
Akane: [nervously] Ryoga?  
  
Ukyou: [darkly] I think we need to have a talk with Ranchan.  
  
Mrs. Saotome glanced at them questioningly.  
  
Akane: Er...we just didn't think you had figured it out, Mrs.  
Saotome...  
  
Ukyou: Yeah, we all were hoping that they'd get together...  
  
Nodoka: Well, I suppose it's alright, if she has a chaperone.   
  
They both smothered giggles. Mrs. Saotome was beginning to look  
halfway normal again, and they didn't want anything to spoil the  
evening now.  
  
Then Ryoga walked in, half-dazed.  
  
Ryoga: Hello, can you tell me how to--oh, hello, Akane! What are  
you doing in Hiroshima?  
  
Everyone got beads of sweat on their heads.  
  
  
(1) Patent pending.   
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to Ryoga. She did not look pleased.   
  
Nodoka: [icy tone] Excuse me, but aren't you Ryoga Hibiki?  
  
Ryoga turned. In so doing, he failed to notice the danger signals  
both Akane and Ukyou were making desperately.  
  
Ryoga: Me? Um, yes, I am. Why do you ask?  
  
Mrs. Saotome stood up to her full height and glared at Ryoga.  
  
Nodoka: THEN TELL ME WHERE RANKO IS!  
  
Ryoga opened his mouth. He decided asking where he was wouldn't be  
a good idea. He closed it again. He just wished he knew what was  
going.   
  
Mrs. Saotome swept the girls with her gaze that somehow seemed to  
be ice and fire at the same time. Akane and Ukyou looked at the  
floor.   
  
Nodoka: Now, Ranko *could* be in serious trouble somewhere--but I  
see you two aren't surprised at this little development at   
all, are you? So I don't think that's the case. No, I think  
there's something you're not telling me.   
  
Nobody spoke up.  
  
Nodoka: I'm not an idiot and I'll thank you not to treat me like  
one. I want to know where she is, and this time, I want to  
hear the truth. And if I'm not satisfied with the answer,  
I'll make you wish you'd never been born! Do you understand  
me?  
  
Not even a whisper answered her.  
  
Nodoka: So that's the way it is, is it? I don't know how your  
father will like being woken up at this hour, but we'll--  
  
Akane: [quietly] Wait.  
  
Nobody made a move to stop Akane.  
  
Akane: [quietly] Auntie Saotome...I don't know how to tell you  
this.  
  
Nodoka: [loudly] Tell me what?  
  
Akane: [quietly] Ranko is...avoiding you.  
  
Mrs. Saotome went from red-hot anger to pale horror in a moment.  
  
Nodoka: [disbelievingly] What?  
  
Akane: She's...she's been avoiding you. Until you leave.  
  
Nodoka: But...why?  
  
Nobody spoke up. Mrs. Saotome looked at each person in turn,  
pleadingly this time, a woman trying to understand why her life had  
just been turned upside-down.  
  
Nodoka: Please. I need to know.  
  
Nobody spoke up. Mrs. Saotome sighed in defeat. Her shoulders  
slumped.  
  
Ukyou looked up.  
  
Ukyou: I...I can tell you why.  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at her pleadingly.  
  
Ukyou: It's...it's a long story.  
  
Nobody offered to go for coffee. Ukyou took a deep breath.  
  
Ukyou: When Ranko was young, about 5 or 6...she lived with her  
father. Her father owned a store, you see. And every day, a  
little boy and his father would come in to buy things. And,  
well, over time, that little girl and that little boy fell in  
love. Or at least, that's what she thought.  
  
Ukyou looked up, challengingly. Nobody dared. She took another  
deep breath.  
  
Ukyou: So she had her father make arrangements with the boys  
father for a marriage. He agreed, but then he turned around,  
took the dowry, and ran. Ranko's family was destitute, and  
her dreams were shattered. She had the choice of leaving her  
family, or giving up her life. She chose to give up her  
life--as a girl.   
  
The silence was eerie. Almost like the calm before the storm, a  
silence you don't find in real life. Luckily, this was a fanfic,  
and nobody cared about insignificant details like that. Then  
Genma, still in panda form, walked through on his way to get  
something to eat. Ukyou looked at him with a burning gaze.  
  
Ukyou: AND ALL BECAUSE OF THE STUPID FATHER!!   
  
Ukyou charged at Genma with her spatula. Surprisingly, it was  
Ryoga who restrained her. He gave Ukyou a look of sympathy before  
wrestling her back down to the ground forcefully when she refused  
to stop. Genma shrugged and started for the kitchen again.   
  
Ryoga looked up at him and growled. Genma took one look and turned  
around and left. In a hurry. Some things were more important than  
midnight snacks, and right at the top of his list was survival.  
  
Nodoka: But dear, I don't understand. That's certainly tragic,  
but why would that make Ranko want to avoid me?  
  
Akane looked up, interested. She had in fact been wondering the  
same thing. She looked at Ryoga, who had a similar look on his  
face. Everyone waited for Ukyou to speak. Ukyou looked at the  
ground. Akane panicked, realizing *she* didn't know either.  
  
Akane: Well, gosh, look at the time! It's sure late, isn't it,  
Ryoga?  
  
Ryoga: [caught off guard] Uh? [putting his arm behind his head]   
Oh, yeah, hahaha!  
  
Nodoka: Yes it is. And it's getting later, and Ranko's still not  
home.  
  
Akane shut up at Mrs. Saotome's matter-of-fact words. Ukyou  
cleared her throat.  
  
Ukyou: As I was saying...  
  
Everyone shut up.  
  
Ukyou: [wryly] Thanks. [normally] Well...you see, just before  
she began her life as a boy...her mother died. But she asked  
Ranko to promise her she would be the best at whatever she  
did. And when Ranko became a boy, she had to become the best  
boy--a man among men.  
  
There was silence.  
  
Ukyou: [angry] In case you don't get it, Ranko's avoiding you  
because you're trying to make her break that promise! She  
finally felt she could afford to show her feminine side, as  
long as she kept acting like a guy--but you're ruining all  
that! Do you know how long it took for her to admit she was  
a girl? How hard it was for her to wear a dress!?  
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to look at Ukyou. She had tears running down  
her face.  
  
Nodoka: I...see. I hadn't realized she felt that way. I've been  
trying to help...but I'm only making things worse. I...I'll  
leave.  
  
Akane: What?  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled sadly, still crying.  
  
Nodoka: I'll make it as easy for her as I can. Once I'm gone, she  
can come back, ne (1)?  
  
Ukyou: Uh, hei (2).  
  
Nodoka: Well...I don't have much to pack. I would have liked to  
say good-bye to Ranko...but under the circumstances, that  
might not be such a good idea. Farewell, Akane. It's been  
nice to see you again.  
  
Akane: [shocked] You don't mean you're leaving *now*? In the  
middle of the night?  
  
Nodoka: I couldn't sleep anyways, knowing...say goodbye to your  
father for me, dear. And your sisters.  
  
Mrs. Saotome stood up and walked upstairs. She walked slowly, as  
if burdened by a great weight. But something more important was  
there. No, not there, Akane realized. Something important was  
gone. Akane felt herself starting to cry. Mrs. Saotome didn't  
look back, never saw her tears.  
  
  
(1) 'Ne?' = okay?; right?  
  
(2) 'Hei' = yes; okay; I'm listening.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane turned on Ukyou with a vengeance.  
  
Akane: That was completely uncalled for! How could you be so  
cruel?  
  
Ukyou stared at her flatly.  
  
Ukyou: Akane, that was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done  
in my life. I don't like telling my life story to other  
people and I don't like pretending it's not mine. And I don't  
like making anybody cry. But she needed a slap in the face,  
and that was it. I'm sorry. I really am. I'll apologize to  
her later--after she's gone.  
  
Ukyou paused. She looked a bit hesitant.  
  
Ukyou: And...I needed to say it. For me.   
  
Ryoga looked at Akane. He wished he could do something, say  
something to make her pain go away. He would gladly suffer burning  
coals to make her happy, but nothing he could do or say could  
protect her from her feelings. He watched helplessly as she sighed  
and turned away, obviously depressed.  
  
Ukyou: Still, I want to say goodbye to her. Why don't we finish  
dinner while we wait?  
  
The three sat down to a rather melancholy dinner. It tasted like  
ashes to Akane.  
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome stood at the doorstep of the dojo. It was night, and  
chilly, but the moon was full and it was silent. She turned to the  
two girls waiting inside.  
  
Nodoka: Well...I wish I could have stayed longer.   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked around.  
  
Nodoka: Oh, has Ryoga already left?  
  
Akane: Iie (1)...he went to the bathroom.  
  
Nodoka: Oh--I can wait for him.  
  
Ukyou: I don't think so.  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked questioningly at her. Ukyou looked at her.  
  
Ukyou: Let's just say it's probably the last time we'll see him  
for about a week.  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked confused. Then she drooped, and gave a sigh.   
  
Nodoka: To think...all her problems were caused by such a silly  
promise. No promise should ever stand in the way of your  
happiness.  
  
Akane and Ukyou gave doubletakes.   
  
Akane: But you said--  
  
Ukyou: --that if Ranma was a girl--  
  
Akane: --you'd make him commit suicide!  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled sadly.  
  
Nodoka: Well, I was in a bit of shock at the time and wasn't  
thinking clearly. When you're in shock, structured things are  
easy to grasp at for support, and tradition is something  
that's very structured. Besides, I couldn't take a silly  
story like that too seriously.   
  
Akane gasped.  
  
Akane: But...but what if...  
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to look at her questioningly.  
  
Akane: What if...Ranko was telling the truth?  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled faintly.  
  
Nodoka: Well, then I'd have to question my beliefs about flying  
saucers and fairy tales. But seriously, I don't really know.   
I can't imagine such a thing being real.  
  
Ukyou: But what if Ranma were...say, less than manly?  
  
Nodoka: [sharply] Are you saying my son is less than a manly man?  
  
Ukyou: Uh, no! Not at all! Just a hypothetical question...  
  
Mrs. Saotome smiled sweetly at her again. It was almost  
disconcerting how she did that.  
  
Nodoka: Well, in that case, I'd still love him. I haven't seen  
him in over ten years, and he is *my son*. You'll understand  
one day when you have children of your own. It wasn't my idea  
to make that promise in the first place.  
  
Akane and Ukyou: NANI!?  
  
Nodoka: My idiot husband wanted to leave so badly, he resorted to  
giving me a promise with the flip side being suicide. Of  
course, how could I refuse him when confronted with that? But  
he didn't have to. If he'd just waited another week...  
  
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other.  
  
Akane and Ukyou: Ranma!  
  
Nodoka: [confused] What?  
  
Akane: Stay right here!  
  
Ukyou: We'll be right back!  
  
The girls raced for the stairs, leaving a very surprised Nodoka  
standing in the cold waiting for a taxi.  
  
  
(1) 'Iie' or 'ie' = no.  
  
* * *  
  
It was dark in Akane's room. Ranko sighed. She hoped someone came  
in soon to untie her. Better yet, to feed her something. She was  
starving! At least Akane and Ukyou had dinner...  
  
The light turned on. Ranko looked up. It was Ryoga. Ranko put  
her best smile on her face, which is hard to do with a gag.  
  
Ryoga: [evilly] Well, well, Ranma...  
  
Ranma-chan: Mmmprgh?  
  
Ryoga: I have you just the way I want you, for once! Hahaha!  
  
Ryoga cracked his knuckles. Of course, he'd never hit a foe when  
he was defenceless. It went against his code of honour. But Ranko  
didn't know that. Ryoga grinned. He'd finally get the chance to  
tell Ranma just how much pain he'd caused Ryoga, and Akane. In  
minute detail. And of course, if Ranma felt a little afraid, so  
much the better. Ranko started squirming desperately. Just then,  
the wall burst open. Shampoo walked in through the hole she had  
made in the wall.  
  
Shampoo: Nihao Ranma! Shampoo come save husband!  
  
Ryoga: [nonplussed] You can't do that! It's the second floor!  
  
Shampoo idly walked over to Ryoga and smashed him with both bonbori  
simultaneously. Amazingly, he didn't seem to notice. Shampoo  
blinked in surprise, then snarled.  
  
Shampoo: Pig-boy no hurt husband--or Shampoo hurt pig-boy!  
  
Shampoo proceeded to pummel Ryoga. This too, had little effect,  
and Ryoga's shock was beginning to wear off. Ryoga was amazingly  
enduring. She looked at the remains of one of her clubs; the end  
had smashed off where it had struck him. Shampoo began to feel  
fear. Then she shrugged, took out a pink thermos, and splashed its  
contents all over him.   
  
P-Chan glared up at her. Shampoo picked up the piglet by the  
bandanna with two fingers, walked over to the hole in the wall, put  
her arm out, and let go. P-Chan gave a squeal that was abruptly  
cut short with a THUD. Ranko kept squirming.  
  
Shampoo: Husband no worry--Shampoo here save, not kill!   
  
Shampoo took off Ranko's gag.   
  
Ranma-chan: WHEW! Man, thanks Shampoo! You have no idea how bad  
that tast--guh?  
  
Ranko's exclamation was cut short by Shampoo leaning down and  
kissing her deeply on the lips. Ranko recovered quickly, though.  
  
Ranma-chan: Er, Shampoo, we can do that later. You have to untie  
me quickly!  
  
Shampoo: Why Shampoo do that when she can take husband to priest  
now and be married?  
  
Ranma-chan: Gack--no, Shampoo! You don't want me that way! You  
don't want forced marriage!  
  
Shampoo just looked at him oddly, confused.  
  
Shampoo: Why no?  
  
Ranko was dumbfounded. She quickly tried another tactic.  
  
Ranma-chan: If you let me go...I promise you I'll go out with you!  
Wouldn't you rather have me love you for who you are, not by  
force or trickery?  
  
Shampoo appeared to give it some thought. Then she shrugged.  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo can have that after married.   
  
Ranma-chan: AHH! Okay, okay, *two* dates!  
  
Shampoo hesitated.  
  
Shampoo: [hesitantly] Ranma no lie?  
  
Ranma-chan: [earnestly] Shampoo, I would *never* lie to you.  
  
Shampoo: [happy] Okay!  
  
Shampoo quickly untied Ranko. And took off the chains. And undid  
the ribbons. And took out the branches. And cleaned up a bit of  
the mud. Finally, she was done.  
  
Then Ranko heard footsteps running up the stairs.  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh no! They must've heard the noise--I've gotta get  
away, quick!  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo help husband! You no worry. How else Shampoo  
can go on date with him?  
  
Ranko gave her a grateful smile before departing through the hole.  
  
* * *  
  
Akane and Ukyou hurriedly ran up the stairs, turning and reaching  
Akane's room. Akane grabbed open the door. Then she froze. Ukyou  
bumped into her.  
  
Ukyou: Ow! Hey Akane, why'd you--  
  
Akane just pointed. Ukyou followed her gaze. Inside was a mess.   
The wall had been recently renovated with what looked to be like a  
wrecking ball, and Ranko had turned into Shampoo. Ukyou blinked.   
Oh. Shampoo had arrived and helped Ranma flee.  
  
Shampoo: Shampoo stop evil girls from tying up husband! Shampoo  
fight!  
  
Akane slammed the door and leaned against it. She turned to Ukyou.  
  
Akane: Well, we have to go and save him from his own stupidity.  
  
Ukyou nodded. They ran downstairs. Akane was heard to have added,  
under her breath, a single word.  
  
Akane: Again.  
  
* * *  
  
The cab driver looked at his watch impatiently. Mrs. Saotome  
sighed. She turned to him apologetically.  
  
Nodoka: I'm sorry, sir. They're usually not like this. I assure  
you it will just be a moment.  
  
Driver: [bored] Yeah, yeah.  
  
Just then Ranko ran around the corner. She seemed to be running  
for her life, actually. She was closely followed by that blue-  
haired girl, Akane, Ukyou, and a small black pig. Mrs. Saotome  
doublechecked that one. Yes, a small black pig with a yellow-and-  
black bandanna on it was chasing her, too. What in the world...  
  
Akane: Wait, Ranma!  
  
Ranma-chan: [sarcastic] Yeah, right.  
  
Ranko saw her mother. She didn't try to stop. For one thing, she  
was wide awake and she *knew* she was female this time. For  
another thing, if she stopped, Akane and Ukyou might catch up and  
tie her up again.   
  
Ranma-chan: They've gone nuts! Help! Help!  
  
Ranko looked for a place to hide. She realized she couldn't. Then  
she remembered everybody trying to keep her away from her mother.   
Of course! She could stay next to Mrs. Saotome and they wouldn't  
dare grab her then! She ran towards her mother. Then she got a  
closer look. Her mother was next to a taxi. That was odd. Why  
was she next to a taxi? Now she was getting into it. What? Ranko  
tried to understand. She was probably just going out to...a party.  
  
Yeah, a party at eleven p.m. Sure, that made sense. Okay. Her  
mother smiled and waved goodbye, slowly closing the taxi door.   
Ranko tried to fit that into her hypothesis. She couldn't. She  
realized her only chance of surviving the next month was with her  
mother. She realized her mother was leaving her. She put two and  
two together.  
  
Ranma-chan: MOM! WAIT!  
  
Ranko ran faster, jumping into the taxi and into the lap of a  
surprised Mrs. Saotome.  
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked down at Ranko in shock. Ranko wondered why.   
Then she played back the last few seconds in her mind. Leaping  
into her lap. Okay. A bit odd, maybe, but she should have gotten  
used to weird stuff around the Tendo's. Closing the door behind  
her. Fine. Ranko was used to fancy tricks requiring dexterity,  
and if her mom hadn't been surprised when she jumped over rooftops,  
that shouldn't have fazed her. Calling her mom. She choked.  
  
She looked up at her mother with trepidation. She was crying. Uh-  
oh. Now she was in for it.  
  
Nodoka: Yes!   
  
Ranma-chan: [surprised] Huh?  
  
Nodoka: Yes, of course I'll be your mother!   
  
Ranma-chan: ...  
  
Nodoka: I didn't think you wanted me around. I'll never make you  
dress up again! I promise!  
  
Ranko looked at her mother, confused. More like stunned.   
  
Nodoka: And I want you to know I think you have upheld your  
promise most honourably.   
  
Ranko lit up.  
  
Ranma-chan: You mean...?  
  
Nodoka: Yes, if your mother were alive, she would be proud of the  
young lady you've become!  
  
Ranko collapsed.  
  
Ranma-chan: Right...  
  
Nodoka: *Do* you want me as your mother?  
  
Ranko looked up again. Her mother was crying softly. Ranko smiled  
and hugged her.  
  
Ranma-chan: You bet! ...Mom. More than anything in the world.   
  
Nodoka: Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid...but no matter.   
  
She smiled as she stroked Ranko's hair.   
  
Nodoka: I always meant to tell you...but I needed to be sure.   
Once I knew you were an orphan, I decided to adopt you.   
That's why I kept asking about Ranma. To make sure you two  
would get along as sister and brother. And to make sure you'd  
accept me as your mom...  
  
Ranko shrunk away a little. Her mother looked at her in surprise.  
  
Nodoka: Oh, dear. Did I say something wrong again? I--  
  
Driver: Hey, lady, you want I should take the others too?  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at him in confusion.  
  
Nodoka: What?  
  
The driver pointed out the rear window. Ranko and her mother  
realized they had been driving for the last minute. Akane, Ukyou  
and Shampoo were chasing the car.   
  
Nodoka: Oh my goodness! Stop the car at once!  
  
The driver shrugged.   
  
Driver: You're the boss, lady.   
  
He stepped on the brakes so hard the two Saotome females were  
crushed against the front seat.  
  
Ranko and her mother got out of the taxi. The three girls came  
running up to them, panting and exhausted.   
  
Akane: Mrs...Sao...to...me...  
  
Nodoka: Goodness! Catch your breath, dear. I'm so sorry! I  
didn't realize we were moving!  
  
Ukyou gasped as she leaned against the taxi.  
  
Ukyou: Wait...important...  
  
Nodoka: I said, catch your breath! You've run half to death. Now,  
we can all talk like reasonable people in a minute!   
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to the driver.  
  
Nodoka: If that's all right with you, sir.  
  
Driver: Yeah, sure. This is the best entertainment I got all  
night.   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked vaguely unsettled at that, but left it alone.   
  
A few seconds later, Mr. Tendo came bicycling up with Genma (as  
panda) on the handlebars.   
  
Soun: What's the problem? What's all the fuss about?  
  
Nabiki walked up.   
  
Nabiki: Hey, gang. What's going on?  
  
Soun: Nabiki! What are you doing up at this hour!?  
  
Other seventeen-year-old girls might have quailed at having their  
fathers find them out on the street at eleven p.m., but Nabiki was  
no ordinary seventeen-year-old girl. She was a pro. She didn't  
even panic. She just looked at her father sternly.  
  
Nabiki: Moi? What are *you* doing out in the street this late,  
daddy?   
  
Mr. Tendo's eyes crossed as he realized the standard he was setting  
for his baby girls. He nearly started to cry again.  
  
Akane: I have something very important to say to you, Mrs.  
Saotome!  
  
Nodoka: [with some trepidation] Really? Well, go on, dear.  
  
Akane: [triumphantly] I can tell you where Ranma is!  
  
Ranko looked at Akane, poleaxed. Genma hurriedly wrote a sign.  
  
Panda: [sign] "You can beat him up all you want later! Think of  
me!"  
  
Akane: She's been right here all al--  
  
Ranma-chan: AHHHHH!! AKANE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??  
  
Akane glared at Ranko.  
  
Akane: Shut up!  
  
Nodoka: Now, now, Akane. It's not nice to say that to people.   
  
Akane: I just want to say that Ranma is--  
  
Ranma-chan: GAHHH!! NO!! SHUT UP!  
  
Ukyou: Ranchan, listen to Akane, she--  
  
Panda: [sign] "Don't listen!"  
  
Ranma-chan: SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!  
  
Nodoka turned to Ranko. She opened her mouth. Then she shrugged  
and decided not to say anything.  
  
Akane looked at the two in surprise.  
  
Akane: Hey, how come she didn't get scolded?  
  
Nodoka ignored her.  
  
Nodoka: Was there something you wanted to tell me, Akane?  
  
Panda: [sign] "Just say no."  
  
Akane: Oh! I almost forgot! Ranma is--  
  
Ranma-chan: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!  
  
Ukyou: LISTEN TO AKANE, RANCHAN!  
  
Akane: I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU JERK!!  
  
Ranma-chan: YOUR HELP IS GOING TO GET ME KILLED!!  
  
Ukyou: NO IT'S NOT! JUST LISTEN FOR ONCE!!  
  
Lights turned on around the area as sleepy people woke up from  
sound sleep to hear the three girls shouting. A few looked out  
their windows to see a taxi, bicycle, panda, and assorted people  
with or without lethal weaponry on the streets below. A few of  
those called the news. Most of the rest were used to it and went  
back to sleep.  
  
Akane: Well, it's better than killing yourself!  
  
Mrs. Saotome kept turning her head to look at each in turn. She  
was not the only one. Everyone was paying close attention to the  
debate between Akane and Ranko.  
  
Ranma-chan: Oh yeah--how? By eating your cooking?  
  
Akane slammed Ranko into the ground.   
  
Akane: Mrs. Saotome--  
  
Ranma-chan: NO! DON'T! STOP!   
  
Akane kept going, heedless of Ranko's desperate cries.  
  
Akane: --your son Ranma is actually--  
  
Ranko screamed, drowning own Akane's next words. Then she stepped  
forward until her face was only inches away from Akane's. She had  
tears coming down her cheeks.   
  
Ranma-chan: I *HATE* YOU!!  
  
Akane fell silent, stunned. So did everybody else. A few cars  
were stopping nearby, curious. More lights were being turned on.  
  
Akane started crying. She looked at Ranko.   
  
Akane: [tearfully] B-but...Ranm--Ranko...I...l...l...[choking]  
...I l...[quietly] I really like you.  
  
Ukyou's instincts kicked in. She jumped in between them, rounding  
angrily on Akane.  
  
Ukyou: That may be so, but *I* LOVE Ranchan!  
  
Akane turned on Ukyou angrily. Apparently the truce was over.  
  
Akane: Oh YEAH? Well, *I'm* the one she's living with!  
  
Mr. Tendo leaned over Ukyou with a bullhorn.  
  
Soun: AKANE IS THE ONE AND ONLY FIANCEE THAT MATTERS!! GET THAT  
THROUGH YOUR HEAD!  
  
Ukyou: Well, *I* love Ranchan even with the curse!  
  
Akane: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?  
  
Ukyou smirked.   
  
Ukyou: *I'd* marry Ranchan even WITH the curse! Can you say the  
same?  
  
Mrs. Saotome walked forward. Everyone turned to her. They had  
forgotten she was there. The people from their houses sat down,  
getting good seats for the evening's entertainment. A few brought  
out lawn chairs, and some enterprising kids started selling  
lemonade and popcorn.  
  
Nodoka: Well, well. This is getting *very* interesting, don't you  
think so?  
  
Driver: Yeah, yeah!  
  
Mrs. Saotome ignored him.   
  
Nodoka: I think, Tendo-kun, that in light of recent...  
illuminations... it would be in your best interests to cancel  
your engagement of Akane to my Ranma.   
  
Everybody shut up. The news crew that had arrived started filming.  
  
Nodoka: I won't stand in the way of true love. Even if it is,  
well...unconventional.   
  
Akane and Ukyou stood still, their mouths hanging open as they  
realized what they had just said had sounded like to Mrs. Saotome.   
Ukyou blushed furiously. She wasn't that type of girl. Akane was  
just in shock.   
  
Nodoka: Except for one thing...Ranko.   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko, who was looking at the ground.  
  
Nodoka: Do you want to say anything, daughter?  
  
Everyone else's jaws dropped, making it unanimous. Ranko sadly  
shook her head, not daring to meet anyone's eyes.   
  
Shampoo: Good! Akane and Ukyou go make nice-nice! Then *Shampoo*  
be only bride for Ranma!  
  
Shampoo started laughing. Akane and Ukyou flattened Shampoo.  
  
Nodoka: Well. I suppose it's up to you girls, then. If you love  
Ranko, we'll cancel your engagements to Ranma.  
  
The film crews panned in for a close-up shot, getting the maximum  
tearjerks from the scene. Akane looked at Mrs. Saotome. Then she  
looked at Ranko, who was still avoiding her gaze. She looked at  
the ground. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ukyou doing the  
same thing. She looked around.   
  
It was only then she realized the huge number of people gathered  
around them. She 'eep'ed in shock. Anything she said here would  
be seen, heard by dozens--no, thousands of people, with that news  
crew included. She felt dizzy.  
  
It was Ukyou, though, who spoke first.   
  
Ukyou: [whispering brokenly] Hei. I...lo...love...Ran...Ranko.   
Please call off my engagement to Ranma.   
  
She turned to Ranko, who was looking at her with shock.  
  
Ukyou: [broken] I just want you to be happy.   
  
Akane spoke up. Her voice was barely audible.  
  
Akane: ...Me too.   
  
Soun started crying (#501, My Daughter Just Announced She Loves  
Other Women In Front Of All Our Neighbours).  
  
Soun: AHHH! My daughter just announced she loves other women in  
front of all our neighbours! We'll have to move out!! (1)  
  
Nodoka opened her mouth. Ranko put a hand on her arm. She turned  
to Ranko, surprised but willing to be silent.  
  
Ranma-chan: [whispering] Wait. You don't have to do this. Not  
for me.  
  
Akane & Ukyou: Ranko?/Ranchan?  
  
Ranma-chan: Mom? I'm not really Ranko.   
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko in mild surprise. She waited.  
  
Ranma-chan: I...I'm...  
  
Everyone leaned forward. Ranko looked up.  
  
Ranma-chan: I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY UNLESS THEY LEAVE US  
ALONE!!  
  
Everybody but the Tendo-Saotome families scattered. The camera  
crews hastily packed up and left. Ranko calmed down somewhat.  
  
Ranma-chan: Mom...remember everything I said at dinner?   
  
Nodoka: Yes, dear. What about it?  
  
Ranma-chan: It's true. [quiet] All of it.  
  
Mrs. Saotome slapped Ranko. Ranko fell back, hurt.  
  
Nodoka: Ranko! I am VERY disappointed in you. Besides taking me  
for a complete idiot, you have no respect for my feelings.   
What's worse, you're making the sacrifice of these girls into  
a mockery! I am ashamed of you!  
  
Ranko turned pale.  
  
Ranma-chan: Wait! I can prove it! [begging] Please...just give  
me a chance.  
  
Mrs. Saotome looked at her coldly. She sighed and relaxed. She  
nodded. Ranko brightened, then looked around, realizing the flaw  
in her plan.  
  
Shampoo: Here, ai lan (2). Shampoo bring hot water in case of  
'accident'.  
  
Shampoo handed Ranko a blue thermos. She accepted it gratefully,  
but couldn't get the top off. Looking at her, Mrs. Saotome  
realized Ranko's hands were shaking uncontrollably. Akane took the  
thermos from Ranko's hands.   
  
Akane: Are you *sure* you want to do this?  
  
Ranma-chan: YOU'RE the one who tried to do just this a few minutes  
ago!  
  
Akane shrugged. Then she undid the cap and poured the still-  
steaming water over Ranko. She transformed back into Ranma.  
  
Mrs. Saotome stood in shock. Everyone else froze, waiting for her  
reaction. But something was moving. Ranma felt his hair beginning  
to grow at a fantastic rate. And he didn't have the dragon's hair!  
  
He realized he'd forgotten about it in the panic. Nabiki smiled a  
smile that only vaguely resembled a predatory animal. She held out  
a piece of string to Ranma. He grabbed the dragon's hair and  
quickly tied his braid with it.   
  
That seemed to snap Mrs. Saotome out of her shock. She turned to  
regard Ranma.  
  
Nodoka: Why...?  
  
Ranma: Long story.   
  
Mrs. Saotome nodded. Then she grabbed her son in a ferocious hug.   
She was crying.  
  
Nodoka: Oh, RANMA! It's been so long! I thought I'd never see  
you again!   
  
Ranma: [incredulously happy] You mean you don't mind???  
  
Mrs. Saotome pulled away from Ranma. He hesitated, thinking she'd  
gone too far.  
  
Nodoka: Ranko...I mean, Ranma...what makes a man isn't the depth  
of his voice or the hair on his chest.   
  
Ranma: [dubiously] It's not?  
  
Nodoka: Of COURSE not! How could you think such a silly thing?   
Who taught you that?  
  
Genma nervously slipped away from the group.  
  
Nodoka: My darling son...being a man means living up to your word,  
honouring your commitments, being honest, caring and fair, and  
having honour (3). It won't change if your chest size does,  
or if you wear makeup. It's inside that counts.  
  
Ranma: But that doesn't--wait a sec. Why am I arguing?  
  
Nodoka: And tonight you have just shown me that you do indeed have  
honour, and caring, and that you are honest. You are indeed  
a man among men. And my dear son.   
  
Ranma looked at her mother. She held out her arms with a smile.   
Ranma lit up like a Christmas tree and jumped into her arms.  
  
Ranma: MOM!!  
  
  
(1) I would just like to state, for the record, that I am firmly  
in favour of gays and lesbians. While heterosexual myself (and  
happy that way) I have several friends and relatives who have  
chosen another path. I support them one hundred percent. It is  
used in this fanfic as humour only. Keep in mind Soun Tendo  
overreacts. A lot. To everything.  
  
(2) Chinese for "Dear Husband". I'm not sure whether Shampoo  
speaks Cantonese, Mandarin, or a variant offshoot. Actually, I'm  
not sure I want to know--that broken english just sounds so *cute*,  
and hearing her speak above a 3rd grade level would just ruin it  
for me (which says something about me, I'm sure). Of course, the  
same broken english also covers up an animal cunning and rather  
intelligent mind that controls a girl who'd sooner stick you with  
a sword as kiss you, unless it was the kiss of death. Maybe I  
should stick to spatula-wielding okinomiyaki-making brown-haired  
girls. It's something to give some thought to.  
  
(3) I like to think I'm not sexist. I support the feminist  
movement, and I try to avoid unconscious sexism. When I use the  
term "man", I'm referring to the old meaning--human being (from the  
Old German, look it up). It was never a sexist term--male  
only--until late in our history. They then made up the term  
woman. Many ancient Chinese and Japanese books of philosophy do  
something similar when they refer to the "Enlightened Man". I  
understand that the Japanese language has very distinct differences  
between male and female words and objects, but since I'm writing in  
english, I'm trying as well as I can.  
  
* * *  
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to the taxi driver, who was still sitting  
there. His cigarette had long since gone out, but he still had it  
in his mouth.  
  
Mrs. Saotome: I beg your pardon, sir, but it looks like I'll be  
staying for a little while longer.   
  
The driver made a feeble gesture and turned around, looking like he  
was in shock. Of course, considering that night's events, he might  
very well be. He started the car and resolved to give up drinking.  
Period.   
  
Nabiki smiled. She'd tell Ranma about the price tag on that hair  
later. She didn't want to spoil his happiness--yet, anyways.   
Besides, she had other people to blackmail--Ryoga, for one. He  
seemed to be nervous around her for some reason. He must have  
something to blackmail that he thought she knew. Not that that  
made any difference. It was all in his *belief* that she knew.   
She smiled.   
  
Mrs. Saotome turned to Ranma.   
  
Nodoka: You know, I'm not sure I'm used to this form yet. You're  
prettier in your other form. [a thought hits her] But if  
you're actually a boy, that means Ryoga isn't your boyfriend!   
That's too bad. You made a good couple.   
  
Ranma turned green. Mrs. Saotome sighed. She started to think.   
Ryoga was so sad, so lonely. Surely he had someone he liked. Of  
course! It was so obvious! The way he was so shy around her, the  
way he always faded into the woodwork when she was around. The  
poor boy was too shy to show it. Well, she'd help him out. She'd  
have to arrange for "accidental" meetings between the pair for a  
few days and let nature take its course. She idly wondered how  
Ryoga and Kodachi would look as a couple once she got them  
together. Ryoga would be so happy!  
  
Ranma turned to Akane and Ukyou while his mother talked. He  
blushed.  
  
Ranma: Akane...th...thank you. And you too, Ukyou.   
  
Ukyou beamed at him.  
  
Ukyou: No problem, Ranchan! Anything for my fiancee!  
  
Soun: [towering over Ukyou] No, no. You gave that up. Now my  
little girl Akane is Ranma's only fiancee!  
  
Everybody: WHAT?  
  
Shampoo glomped onto Ranma.  
  
Shampoo: Ha! Shampoo only one with claim to Ranma now! You give  
up claim on him too, no?   
  
Mr. Tendo grabbed Akane and Ranma and brought them together again.  
  
Soun: Akane! I am going to marry you to Ranma!  
  
Akane shouldered herself loose.   
  
Akane: WHAT!?  
  
Ukyou: If you can just make an engagement like that, so can I!   
Come here, Ranchan!  
  
Ukyou grabbed Ranma and pulled him close.  
  
Akane: HEY! Just *what* do you two think you're DOING?  
  
Ukyou: I'm giving him a kiss to seal the engagement!  
  
Ranma struggled in between Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Mr. Tendo.  
  
Ranma: Mom...! Help?  
  
Mrs. Saotome shook her head.  
  
Nodoka: I'm sorry, my son, but you must learn to deal with your  
own problems. Cleaning up your own mess is part of what makes  
you a man.  
  
Akane: [angry] Well, you have fun with your fiancee, Ranma.   
*I'm* going to go back and make dinner for you, since you  
never got any.  
  
Ranma: No! Don't do that! You'll kill us! I just got out of  
*one* form of murder alive and--ack! WHAM   
  
Ranma flew into the air, propelled by Akane's hammer. Akane panted  
heavily and stormed off.  
  
Shampoo: [formerly attached to Ranko] Where Ranma go? Ranma take  
Shampoo out on date like he promise now?  
  
Akane and Ukyou: WHAT?  
  
Ukyou: Ranchan, did you promise that bimbo a date when you haven't  
even taken me out to a movie yet?  
  
Akane: Ranma, what did you go and do THAT for?  
  
Ranma: Uh...  
  
Shampoo clasped her hands together and got a dreamy look.  
  
Shampoo: Oh, Shampoo so happy! Ranma say he love her for herself,  
no by force!  
  
Akane: RANMA! WHAM How could you say such a thing!  
  
Soun: [demon head] DO YOU HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS, BOY?  
  
Ranma: Aaiee! Wait! It's all a misunderstanding!  
  
Ranma backed into a wall. The wall was suddenly smashed to pieces.  
  
When the cloud of dust died down, a by-now familiar looking male in  
white robes and glasses was standing there. His arms were folded  
into his sleeves, and he looked mad. Next to him stood another  
familiar figure in travelling clothes and a bandanna, cracking his  
knuckles, which seem to have seen recent use, perhaps on the nearby  
wall. Beneath the two sinister figures were about two dozen  
assorted ducks milling around randomly, which ruined the mood.  
  
Mousse: Saotome! Did you tell my beloved Shampoo that you loved  
her? I will have to punish you now!  
  
Ryoga: Not before I do! I'm going to kill you Ranma! Did you  
really think throwing me out a two-story window was going to  
get rid of me?  
  
Ranma: Well, yes...  
  
Mousse whipped his hands in a half-circle. A small object flew  
into Ranma's clothing. He looked down. It was a small earring, or  
something.  
  
Ranma backed away from both opponents. He was now backed into a  
corner. His fiancees angrily marched towards him. Ranma looked  
around for a way out. There actually was one for a change. Ranma  
blinked in surprise. Then he saw Kuno running down the street  
towards him.  
  
Kuno: Saotome, you sorcerer! How could you keep the pig-tailed  
girl's twin hidden to your lecherous depravities all this  
time? How could you perform such acts of sorceries! And what  
evil spell did you cast on Akane to make her change her  
disposition so harshly towards myself today? You must pay!   
[his bokken starts blurring as he charges Ranma] Strike  
strike strike strike strike!   
  
Behind Ranma the remaining wall collapsed from the air pressure  
alone. Ranma was doing acrobatics trying to dodge all the blows.   
Then Mousse let fly with his chains just as Ryoga powered up for a  
ki-blast. Kuno grazed Ranma on the chest.  
  
Ranma: AHH! Kuno, wait a second!  
  
There was a burst of evil laughter. Everyone shuddered, including  
Kuno.  
  
Kodachi: [leaping off the wall in her leotard] Wait, dear  
brother! You need not worry about Ranma any more once I give  
him a dose of this extra-special love potion I made up!  
  
Everybody: [in flat voices] Kodachi.  
  
Kodachi: OHOHOHO!  
  
Everybody: [shivering] Brrrr...  
  
Ryoga: [taking advantage of the momentary lull] RAAAAANMA!  
  
Ryoga let fly with a SHISHI HOUKODAN (1) blast which caught Ranma  
and sent him flying into the wall with a crash, as well as  
incidentally destroying most of the rest of the wall. Shampoo  
smashed Ryoga over the head with a bonbori and threw him over the  
wall before running over to Ranma.  
  
Shampoo: Ranma? You alive?  
  
Akane: You'd better be, Ranma, because you're going to eat my  
dinner and LIKE it!  
  
Ukyou: [wielding her spatula threateningly] Ranchan, I'm still  
engaged to you? Got that?  
  
Soun: Remember, son! You promised to take out Akane on a date!   
I'm going to hold you to your word!   
  
Akane: Dad!   
  
Akane paused for a second to yell at her father before running back  
to Ranma. Soun started to cry (#160, My Youngest Daughter Yelled  
At Me).  
  
Ukyou: [wielding her spatula as a lethal weapon] RANMA! HOW  
COULD YOU GO OUT WITH *BOTH* OF THEM?! YOU TWO-TIMER!  
  
Mousse: Very bad, Ranma Saotome! I feel the strong urge to hurt  
you!  
  
Just then, three men in white lab coats came running into the area,  
carrying butterfly nets and a radar-receiver.   
  
First Man: There! That one in the chinese outfit!  
  
Second Man: ...But that's not a duck!  
  
The three men all stopped in their tracks. They got into a huddle  
while everybody stared, confused at this new interruption. Sure,  
they were following the regular pattern of new-martial-artist-  
randomly-attacks-Ranma-for-no-particularly-good-reason, but they  
usually didn't come in threes, or wear white lab coats, for that  
matter.  
  
Third Man: The computer doesn't lie.   
  
First Man: But he's obviously a human!   
  
Second Man: True. Which means...  
  
Third Man: [gasping] A witch?  
  
First Man: [nodding] And what do we know about witches?  
  
Second Man: Uh...they float in water?   
  
First Man: And what else does?  
  
Third Man: Uh...wood?  
  
Second Man: Small rocks?  
  
Third Man: A duck?  
  
First Man: Of course! A duck!  
  
Second Man: Which means...  
  
Third Man: It must be a duck.  
  
First Man: And we know what to do with them.  
  
Third Man: Let's get him!  
  
They charged Ranma with their nets. Everyone else started moving  
again, mostly towards Ranma. In large numbers. At once.   
  
Ranma: [in desperation] Help! Somebody, anybody, DO SOMETHING!!  
  
Just then, the clouds opened up and it started to pour.   
  
Shampoo-Cat: [attached to Ranko's face] Meow! Prr.  
  
Ranko: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
MuuMuu-chan: Quack. [translation: "Oh no. Not again. No, no,  
no, no, no..."]  
  
First Man: Look! More ducks!  
  
Second Man: Let's get that one, too!  
  
MuuMuu-chan: QUACK! [translation: "Hidden Weapons school final  
attack: hunk'a hunk'a burning couch of love!" (2)]  
WHAAAAAAAAM [everybody else winces]   
  
P-Chan came walking dizzily around the carnage from where Shampoo  
had tossed him.  
  
P-Chan: [dizzily walking around the carnage] Bwee!  
  
Akane: P-Chan! Oh, I've missed you, you widdle thing! Where did  
you come from?  
  
Ukyou: I think I saw him come from around the dojo, Akane.  
  
Akane: Oh! Isn't that where Ryoga fell after Shampoo hit him? He  
hasn't come back yet! He might be hurt!  
  
Ranma: [groaning] What am I, chopped liver? [to Akane] Don't  
worry about Ryoga, he can be a real pig at ti--WHAM OW!   
WHADYA DO THAT FOR?  
  
Akane: RANMA!! Stop picking on Ryoga! I'm serious!  
  
P-Chan: [agreeing] Bwee!   
  
Nodoka and Soun stood in the rain as the shouts became more  
distant.   
  
Nodoka: ...But then again, maybe there are just some things we  
were never meant to face alone.  
  
Soun just stood and cried (#77, Everything is Back To Normal  
Again).  
  
Nodoka: By the way, I've been meaning to ask...where is my  
husband?  
  
Everybody facefaulted.  
  
  
(1) Roaring Lion Bullet. A ki attack which uses one's negative  
feelings as a "hard energy" strike. With Ryoga, it is very  
powerful, seeing as how depression is an almost constant state of  
mind with him.   
  
(2) Another attack taken from the Ranma 1/2 Roleplaying Game. It  
doesn't really exist in the series (to the best of my knowledge,  
anyways). It consists of the master of Hidden Weapons pulling a  
chesterfield out of his or her robes, setting it on fire, and then  
using it as a blunt instrument.   
  
FINI  
  
  
  
All Of My Life - by Phil Collins  
  
  
All of my life (We see Ranko dive into the pool  
I've been searching as her mom walks into the light)  
For the words to say how I   
feel (Ranko smiles and laughs  
I've spent my time thinking nervously with her mom)  
too much   
And leave too little to say (Nodoka cries. Ranko looks  
what I mean around nervously before  
But I've tried to understand comforting her mom in a hug)  
the best I can   
All of my life (Nodoka smiles at her)  
  
All of my life (Ranko cries herself to sleep)  
I've been saying sorry   
For the things I know I should (Ranko yells at Akane and sadly  
have done looks at the ground as Nodoka  
All the things I could have looks between Akane and Ukyou)  
said come back to me   
Sometimes I wish that it had (The calender flips a dozen  
just begun pages and Ranko and her mom  
Seems I'm always that little walk together during different  
too late visits)  
All of my life  
  
Saddle up (Ranko insults Akane. Akane   
I'll take a drink with you pummels her into the ground)  
Pull up a chair, I think I'll   
stay (Nodoka stops her and talks to  
Saddle up Akane. Akane looks abashed.   
'Cause I'm going nowhere All three walk inside together  
There's too much trying to to make dinner)  
remember  
And there's too much trying (Ranko screams as the hot water  
to say nearly hits her)  
  
All of my life (Genma tells Ranma about  
I've been looking Nodoka's wonderful cooking)  
But it's hard to find a way  
Just reaching past the goal (Ranma beats Ryoga with a new  
in front of me technique he learned from  
While what's important just Cologne)  
slips away  
And it doesn't come back but (Mrs. Saotome looks out a window  
I'll be looking sadly, all alone. She picks up   
All of my life a picture of baby Ranma)  
  
Saddle up (Nodoka slaps Ranko. Ranko  
I'll take a drink with you cries and pours water on   
Pull up a chair, I think I'll herself)  
stay  
Saddle up (Nodoka stands in shock. Ranko  
'Cause I'm going nowhere stands and waits, unsure. Then  
There's too much trying to Nodoka enfolds him in a hug)  
remember  
And there's too much trying (Ranma hugs her back, happy)  
to say  
  
All of my life (Everybody goes home. Nabiki  
There have been regrets holds out her hand. Nodoka  
That I didn't do all I could hands her money. She goes  
Playing records upstairs while upstairs. A second later, Mrs.  
he watched TV Saotome joins her and points out  
I didn't spend the time I the window before leaving.   
should Nabiki shrugs, counting her  
It's a memory I will live with money. Then she stops and   
All of my life puts it away to watch the sun  
rise)  
  
Music fades out Fade to black  
  
  
Author's comments:  
YES!! It's over! It's finally over! I'm free! Free!   
HAHAHAHAHA! Well, seriously--it's now a little over a month and a  
half since I conceived of the plot for this story while trying to  
fall asleep late one night, and over a hundred hours later hunched  
over my computer screen, mostly late at night. Many long nights  
were spent on this pet project that wouldn't die, and a few tests  
went worse than they should have because I was inspired to write  
something when I should have been studying. Staring at page 182 of  
the end of this epic story, I feel like I should be able to say  
something witty and wise that will change all your lives for the  
better. I hope those of you who read my work understand all my  
wisdom is in the story and what it says, between the lines and in  
them, and not in my comments here at the end--or in any email I  
write. I hope you'll like the story, because if you do, it's all  
been worth it.   
  
Dave Harper, February 8th 1996, 3:30 am  
2nd draft, April 3rd 1996, 2:20 am  
 


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